i have decided to move to WORD PRESS.

Blogspot. Its been great.

new site.. kboug.wordpress.com

Hello to all!

I'm back from a few days in the upstate region of the NY. It was fun relaxing..and well overdue. I've been thinking about for days what it is that I want to do. Right now. What do I want to do RIGHT NOW? I want to talk..more and more and analyze more and more. I want to get out every single idea that pops into my head..because I feel like i'm going crazy with all of these thoughts. My brain is on complete overload. So...where do we start?

Lets start simply..with Blogger. I really was thinking of moving to Word Press. I thought that it would be a nice exchange. I still might do it. We'll see. The biggest issue I have is whether I want to continue a thus far 2 year tradition with blogger..or do I want to move on to wordpress..which in my mind would allow me to start over...

Which brings me to the next thing..I am always trying to find a way to start over. Maybe its time for a new way of doing things. CAUSE Obviously...starting over doesn't always work. Whenever I start over..I am happy with the ability to start a new clean slate...it has always been important for me to simply erase what has come before. But now I see that possibly..this doesn't ALWAYS work. whatever..

I'm still trying to figure out what My November goal is...I think I'm going for just being myself. Now to most this would seem like the easiest deed in the world. But for me...it has become quite a challenge. I always find myself altering what I say..altering what I do....which many would say you have to in life. But now i've come to the point where its LYING. I feel like i'm always lying. Sometimes I find myself lying for no reason at all. I lie to my mother about where I'm going...I lie to my friend about who i'm talking to..I lie to everyone. And one day..I sat down and I said to myself..."SELF, WHY DOST THOU LIE?" And Self said..."SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU ARE SIMPLY INTERESTED IN KEEPING A MERE FISAD(SPELL?) OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU."

And then, I realized that its mainly because of fear. I'm scared of what people will think of me. People that I'm close to..people that I love..they do not get the whole of me..because..somewhere in the back of my brain..I "know" they are going to judge me. They are going to think i'm different. They are going to think I'm crazy. MAYBE, I need to make a conscious decision to stop being afraid of what people think. It has always been important...but now its getting dangerous.

I need to be proud of my decisions, my moves, my goals, my body, my accomplishments, my failures...everything. And I need to be truthful to me and everyone around me. If I want the relationships that I so dream about..one of the first things that I've got to do is be honest with everyone else. Let them see me. Even if it may be an ugly me. So..with all of that...I'd ask November to give me the ability to "SPEAK MYSELF". To not live in fear of what people will think of me. I can be able to still say what I want but simply be cautious of the presentation. This is a goal. But before I be cautious of everything..I just want to be happy with what I've got to contribute. I want to be happy with presenting me to the world..and not be so scared of what people will think. Cause honestly...they'll think badly..if thats what they want..there's nothing that you can do to change that.

There is some part of me that wants to make everyone happy. That wants even the "bad guys" to think wonderfully of me. But this cannot happen! I can only control myself...and not what others think. I have to just be..simply happy with who I am..what I love to do..what I've like to give..what I believe. And not be afraid. Just stop being afraid.

November

So i've got to think of a goal for November before November is over!

So i've been thinking about a lot of things. Some of them include...no more facebook inquiries...no more soda...no more fast food..yada yada. But I guess I could do those later...I want something better...lol.

November and April are actually my favorite months of the year. I'm not sure why...I do notice that they both have the similarity that they both are periods of season changes. Futhermore, in November and April....the season change is evident in the color of the trees...november they are these beautiful rusty reds and yellows..and in April..they are green and have other great bright bright colors! whooppeee. I imagine that if April had a boyfriend it would be November.

"When Happiness Does not Come to You..Create it Yourself"

So lets review my October's PATIENCE plea.

Patience is the key. I have realized that as a youngin' I've lived without it for waay too long. During this month of trying to keep myself at a miserable rate in which I can wait....has been difficult. There are few times in which I have failed...and many times in which I have succeeded. What I have learned is that patience allows for me to let things boil over. Its better for me to walk away or wait, because sometimes..trying to deal with a situation immediately can only result in disaster. Especially for this hot tempered gyal.

My only problem with patience...it seems..is fear of letting things go for too long. Or even fear for letting time pass by...without life. I'm sure this needs more explaining. With the way life is going right now.. I am physically alone. There aren't much people that I can visit or turn to for company...And the few that there are..aren't available or aren't the best choice. Much of these days are filled with getting up, making breakfast, going to work, coming home and watching late-night tv. Not many people to call or talk to. My patience is helpful for it allows me to get through the day...but fear arises if my day will continually consist of waiting for the next few weeks to come to go out of town or go to the movies. Its a little rough. But i'm learning..i guess.

Letting it Go...

I'm trying my best to make moves..move on...move ahead...move away.

But things just don't seem to be right at the moment. I'm finding that i'm holding on. There is a lot of work that needs to be done...on MYSELF.

At this moment. I feel despair...but I am hoping for something better really soon.

It has been a full 2 months of drama...of which God has come to put his hand down and call it an end....He is telling me to Let it go.

And its hard. But I decided that I will just try small steps. Getting up everyday. Looking at my ceiling...making the decision to do something...and do it.

I decided to take away that facebook account. It is causing more and more hurt and pain than helping at all.

And I'm still working that Patience Goal.

Pray..

Catching Up...

So its been a minute since i've posted. Looking at where I was just two weeks ago, really allows me to put real things into perspective. Patience is key!! Today..I feel okay. And thats way better than where I was coming from..losing a boyfriend, losing a job, losing friends. Today I am trying to find the beauty in just the company of myself. I realize that I can call the actions...I can allow myself the ability to either choose if I want to trigger this emotion and hang out with this girl, I can choose if I want to face the consequence of talking to my ex, I realize that I can choose to be content with myself...watch a movie ...read a book...go for a walk...and enjoy Me.

Don't get me wrong. Times are still hard and rough. Rough and hard...like a mothaf* but patience allows me to just take it one day at a time. Just move on right along..away from that time where I felt like I was two seconds from a jar of percosets.

I've been trying to figure out what my next move is...with everything. With my living space..I know I gotta stay here..i DON'T want to get kicked out and live on the streets...so finding a decent job is important to me.
But finding a job that will allow me to focus on a career is important as well. Yesterday, I went on an interview for a serving position. Its funny...cause I USED to think that I didnt want any job, I didn't want to win any audition...or anything like that unless they felt like I was absolutely qualified. THESE DAYS, I think very differently. These days its..."just give me a chance"..."let me prove to you"...or..."who do I know that can help put in a good word"? All of which are things that I have put at the top of my list when looking for a job in NYC. Forgive me, but I do not understand how the hell there are miillions of business in this city...and I cannot find one thing to suit me!!! Jeeez louise!

OCTOBER RESOLUTIONS

So. today is october 1st! Whoa..time is going isn't it?
I'm thinking about all the things going on in life..and i'm feeling more and more a general feeling of needing more patience. Formyself..of course.

I feel like i'm always wanting to rush things. Maybe because now that i'm a product of the millenium...I expect things to come to me fast and quickly...and efficiently.

But some of the things that i'm dying to have happen to me...they don't work under the rules of the millenium. They require real time ...time to heal, time to develop, time to grow, and time to live.

So for the month of October, I am trying to put myself on the road of patience. I'm trying to make that my key goal as I continue on in this godforsaken city! lol.

THERAPY "When you can't afford a Shrinkkkk"

I couldn't help but feel that a new found friend blogger was speaking straight to me. Even if it wasn't the case, its as if God led me to find someone who would put some important things in perspective. And so...today the list continues.....in possibly a more positive light?..well maybe for today.

21. Getting Over you...By Getting Over Myself.
22. Conclusions...aren't the best way for me to live by. They are usually false.
23. Dramatizing...allows me to wallow in disbelief of my circumstances. And its okay to allow yourself to just have your slump...all you want. But its time to give myself a time limit.
24. Rules...makes you feel like you are in control. I can only be in control of my OWN choices.....(snaps her fingers) darn it!
25. I'd like to think that I don't put Labels on people. But I do...its the only way to make myself feel like i am in CONTROL...again. Cause I know what to expect. But..you don't know what to expect...so its just time to let it go.
26. Nobody likes an anal ass. So i have to realize that nothing in life is perfect. "It is what it is"
27. Instincts and emotions are what i'm not sure if I've been able to distinguish yet. Sometimes i mistake the two for the same. Becareful...
28. Its always "easier" to see the negative side of things. I've always allowed it to...ahem..again make me feel like I am in control. Because you think that if you expect the negative..you won't get thrown off your feet....wrong. You STILL will. so..."positive" thinking? Yes?
29. I'm not a toy to be played with. And until I can learn to conduct myself in a way to send that message...i need not deal with anymore relationships
30. I'm cute though...and he's dumb for losing that. lol

THERAPY - "Giving props to who deserves it most."

11. If you want to comfort Nikki. Comfort her all you want. Leave me alone.
12. I am nothing like Nikki. Don't ever compare me to another girl dopehead.
13. You are supposed to be with the baddest chick, not tell your gf about when you met the baddest chick ever. God I hate u right now.
14. Cheating does not constitute to just having sex with another girl..its kissing, its mental, its way more than your empty head could ever grasp.
15. You are not the baddest dude in the world. Even if your brain is delusional and tells you otherwise.
16. There's a reason why you and your friends can only gawk from afar and are never able to get the girls...
17. Who is the worst friend? The one who stays away from them when they are in conflict (me) or the one who smiles in their faces..and then trash talks them behind their back (ahem..u nigga)
18. Weedheads are not attractive. Get it together.
19. Hot and Drunk Girls..will give you the clap. So enjoy them all you want.
20. Trust comes with time. Not with King magazines.

Wow...thaaat felt really good. More to come..!

THERAPY - "I'm not playing with you anymore"

Taking the ways of Suezette..I'm going to create my own 50 things list.

50 Thoughts that could help me move on from u...

1. Treating me like a little girl is not cool...talk to your little cousin like that not me.
2. Driving your friends around was never a cool deal. Especially when they don't like me.
3. Giving you money was a loan...
4. Why should i have gone to your friends performances and they never came to any of mine?
5. Why can't you talk to me longer? I'm not asking for your soul
6. Yes I know that all men look at other women. But isn't it the boyfriend thing to do to be more apologetic about it..then telling me to accept it? Ahole
7.Inquiring about why you are in some other girls bedroom is not nagging, its inquiring.
8. Allowing me to cry on my bday should be an utter no no.
9. Telling me that i'm better off with some preppy boy..really does let me see what you think of me.
10. Telling your girlfriend to go to the gym is never a good move.

More to come...for my therapy

The Aftermaths of Separation

So as it stands as a done deal of not being together. I am definetly in one of the most vulnerable states that I've ever thought I'd find myself in. ...I just can't function.

I've been reading my girl's "InMyShoez" old entries during her break-up. But I just can't seem to find the right way of learning how to deal. Nothing feels the same to me anymore.

I remember walking to my friend's house on Friday and all these old and familiar feelings came back to me. Before being in this relationship...I was very sure of myself. I was sure that I wouldn't ever find someone in this day...who could love me for me. I was sure that I was unattractive....and I was sure to be alone.

And for this mere one year....all of those feelings went away.
And even when we did break-up, I was hoping that I would come out of it a different person...with different feelings. But instead, they are the same ones. The same ones that used to put me in my own little hole and separate me from the happy people in the world.

During the weekend, I basically just had the most burning eyes. I couldn't stop crying. Everything reminds me of him. The movies on the TV, the block I live on, driving in my car, the bed sheets.....everything. I just can't escape. I can't find a way to move on.

Every so often, I find a small distraction, like reading a book, or even going out with friends. But they are mere distractions that leave me even more upset afterwards.

I find myself lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about him lying next to me, or holding me. I sit with my legs slightly open, and I remember him. And I don't think of the feelings of sex...but just his touch, how he held his hand under my head, how his lips felt on my forehead, how smooth his skin felt. It just all makes me more upset. And I just start to cry...cause I know the possibility of me never feeling it again....or of someone else getting what I feel is rightfully mine. It hurts.

And I've spent the most time with the friend that I was fairly distant from in this relationship. And as much as it is nice to have my friend back, I wonder if it was solely my fault that we didn't hang out. I feel like she idolizes other girls and how they handle other relationships, but she tells me that I shouldn't be with him. She says how she has witnessed other guys and how much they are infatuated with their girls, but she has never witnessed the love that he had for me. Has she really never witnessed it? And if she did, why does she choose to not tell me those things, instead of that I should not bother to be with him. I feel like my trust with her is fading. I feel like if he came back into my life...that she would be distant again. And I feel that she enjoys the fact that I'm not with him, that she may even take pleasure in seeing me upset over him. And whether these feelings are wrong or right, they are making me resent my time with her. Almost to the point that I just don't want her around.

Whts going on with me? What is happening to me? Am I ever going to feel full again? Am I ever going to feel normal? Wanted? nearly happy?

I feel stuck without him. And it saddens my heart. But even more I'm scared for the future.

Sickling...

Dealing with Life...I never knew it would be this hard...ygh..ughlol.

So..a little update after the rant...

I've been living in this godforsaken city and its utterly killing me.
But what has been the bigger issue is learning how to cope with change..i guess.
I've been looking through my entries..and as you can see the biggest concern has been my relationship. It has been probing me for the past year as far as how i've been handling things. Its been soooo hard for me...learning how do deal in a real relationship..im still not sure if i'm ready for it.

We been together for over a year and have had major fights and break-ups. Our most recent break-up has really allowed me to see how I need to start handling things if I do want to survive. Period. And its not even the conclusion of how I need to start handling things in order to preserve a relationship..but in order to save and preserve my own self.

I realize that I am possibly at an unhealthy state of attachment Where all my moves and decisions are based on this relationship...Possibly that is all and well for someone that I am coming home to every night...someone that I am married to...but this is not the case.
Even more, I am forgetting about my needs for more than survival but for living. I am forgetting about my goals and what I want to achieve in life. And the biggest and bottom line is...is that I must continue to live in this relationship with the cost of losing him. I will not give up what I love to do....because i'm afraid to lose him. I will not avoid spending the right time on myself..the right attention for myself.....and the money for myself...because i'm afraid to lose him. Yes, I have witnessed for myself that losing him would be tormenting. But the question is...can I survive if I did lose him? Can i learn to eventually find contentment in my life if I did lose him...and I do believe that my answer for the last 6 months and even now...would be no.

I wouldn't know how to live without him. And I try to say to myself..that I've been doing it for 20 years..before him....what happened? I don't know....but I've got to get myself back. I've got to. I've got to know that I can be strong for myself. And I've got to find the confidence within myself to say....If he doesn't like me doing this...or doesn't like this about me...or if he is going to cheat on me because of this...then to hell with him...and i'll find a better life without him. Most recently..Those Ifs have become conclusions that would end in....okay then i need to change this about myself..and I need to hang out with his friends..so that he stays liking me...and I've got to learn to love what he does without me...and i've got to love what he does...even if I don't really care for it. I'm tired of adapting. I'm more than willing to go into this relationship with compromise...But i'm not willing to be so scared of losing him...that I end up losing myself.

And...well its easier said than done. Because I do love him and I don't want to lose him. But our situation...which is that he is upstate in college...and i'm down here...tackling the big city on my own.....this situation gives me no choice than to make moves for myself. I do believe I was put in this position for a reason...and I am going to do my darndest to fight for myself.

But then again, where do I start?

I think little steps at best. Taking each day in..with a goal in mind for myself. Even if its...go apply to this place for a job. Or look up auditions today. Or, research graduate schools today, or take a dance class today, or pay these tickets today.......as long as I keep my days more focused on my progression...I will work on this plan as best as I can. And i'm sure there'll be roads...hard days....more tears...but this time I do see my future....I do see the need for me to survive. And I hope that this will be enough. ...Or atleast....this can provide me with something....even a small spark of a push.

"I just want you close....Where you can stay forever..."

I just want everything to be alright. But i don't know if it will.
This is what they mean.....this is what so many have gone through....my first taste of the bitter plate that life serves..

"My heart is hurting......"

There are so many things that are coming down on me right now. And I feel like little ol' me...5'1 frame...with little power to spare cannot push through this right now. I'm living alone. Without any soul right now. No one to sleep next to me. No ones shoulder that i can even go to cry on. Just my small room...my "home" full of strangers literally. Living in the big city is not what its cut out to be....I feel like I have no control over the future of my career. My control has left me...to stay behind the institution walls were it stays to fool and betray those to come before me. I've always been progressive...using "school" to help me move forward. But what happens when you're out? And you've been used to a certain way of life? And now you are out in the real world. Nobody taught me how to find a place to live in my math classes. No one taught me how to find a job in any science class. There was no offered class of "Life Sucks and How to Deal". Nope.

You are just taught to dream and aspire. They fill your mind with the possibilities of what you could be. But they fail to tell you how to get there..and how to manage the pain and struggle that comes with it.

...But I guess you can't blame them really......... its not up to them to teach you this. Every single one of us has to learn this on our own. As we enter into the world blind folded, with injury...we must prevail. We must get through. Because.......there isn't any other solution? Right?

You can't quit....

You can't just leave....

........

I miss my mom. I miss my dad....and I miss seeing my mom and dad together.

I miss my bed...and I miss a roof...and I miss having safety...and I miss living at "HOME".

I miss my auntie Mufeedah....SHE was so strong and she wanted me to do well.

I miss knowing and going after what I wanted despite what other people said or made me feel.

I miss "knowing" I am strong.

I miss being in the arms of love and company.

And I miss BJI. I miss you baby.

What am I going to do? I'm soo ALONE. AND ALL HOPE IS GONE.

Boyfriend Blues...

I guess I keep asking myself how many times am I going to cry?

How many times am I going to be upset that I can't even function?

How many times am I going to think about letting go?

What do you do when you're in love with someone so much..it hurts to function? I think that possibly my love is so powerful for this guy..that it may be even impossible for me to be a real person. You know? Every move he makes...just makes me upset. And its not because I hate him, but more ..i think because i don't want to lose him. So the question lies if you love someone that much...do you press on and try to make it work?...with the possibility that you'll be fighting even more? How many times are we going to fight and I am going to say that i'll get over it...or i'll keep hoping things will get better?

Most recently I have realized my jealousy and anger to take on a level on its own. Knowing that this guy has multiple exes...of whom he is friends with all...it has been hard to deal with. He claims that they are "sisters" to him. But really? do U think thats true? lol.

Sometimes I just wonder if my insecurities are just way too low to be in a relationship. But its just the thought of losing him that hurts. U know? I just don't want to lose whom I think is the love of my life. But then with all that is happening...I wonder if I am capable of having a relationship with whom i think is the love of my life. He says that i'm pushing him away. Because i'm so upset and the way i approach him is disrespectful. I guess I can understand that. This was my issue with jq..my first love. He was always coming at me with things to the point that i just didn't want to talk to him anymore. I dn't want my love to feel that way. But, i can't help being upset when i see that he wants to "link" up with his ex-girlfriend. Not even just that, but the person who took his virginity. It just makes me ball-up angry inside. But..actually just talking about it..and writing about it allows me to let go of some of the heat. He says to get angry at what is important at getting angry at...i guess that would be cheating right? Yea. true.

I guess i'll try again. Trying to write first before exploding on the world. Writing is my therapy ain't it? Until next time.

Maaaaad Excitement.

So I definetly lied to myself when i SAID i would take a year off from theater.
TADA! My old youth theater company invited me to audition for a festival that they are apart of. And thank God....its not children's theater! Wooo hooo!

Susan-Lori Parks...is the playwright. I think for most, they would recognize the play she did on Broadway a few years ago..."Topdog/Underdog". She is an African American writer, who has made quite a name for herself in the theater district. She started a project in 2002, where she wanted to write 365 plays in 365 days. Crazy huh? I'll fckn say. Anyways, she accomplished it. Made a book about it, and is now including 700 theaters to participate in her 365 plays festival. We'll be performing at TADA! and then we will be getting our asses in The Public Theater for one night!!! If you didn't know, the Public Theater is a very well-known off broadway theater, located I think in Astor Pl. I'm so psyched. Even with a little part, I find that this is where I belong. I'm planning on soaking up as much of the preparation and acting process as possible. I'm trying to create a great repore (spell? hello.) with as many theater people as I can. I've gotta grasp any of these opportunities I can and nip them in the butt (BUD? whichever is supposed to be right). I've got to get the headshots popping and i've gotta get the body moving, and I've just gotta work hard. I guess...i just can't stay away. I have a feeling that after this experience, i'm going to get back the taste of theater and only want to get into it even more.....

So although we only have a 30min time slot, i'm going to start researching and getting used to the taste of her words and the rhythm of her lines right away. One of the plays that I am interested in purchasing and reading is The Death of the Last Black Man in the Whole Entire world.
here is the link to the play cycle...woo hoo. http://www.365days365plays.com/
I'm so psyched. Good luck to all.

VA VA VOOM - Jennifer Holiday.

In theatre news, Ms. Holiday is back on stage in the original roll of effie in Dreamgirls. Its showing in atlanta. Some of the best well-known Black Broadway stars will be beside her. Although I can't go, you know i've got myself a list to research some of the careers of these stars. See link below. Not to mention the fabulous look that Jennifer seems to be sporting now....Diva's Never Die.

Playbill News:http://www.playbill.com/news/article/109619.html

With the horrible news of the cop's death after a tragic shooting in brooklyn, nyc seems to be coming together to tear down the suspected killers. Unfortunately, in Brooklyn..this tragedy takes a whole different kind of spin. This morning, alerted by my bf about his paranoia of police coming after all black men, opened my eyes to the possibility of more racially involved problems within the future. I guess it seems that a lot of black men, although feeling remorseful for the killed cop, can only suspect that the relationship between police and black men are no where near...getting better. This is hard to accept.

Even more so, mr. dumb bloomberg wants to start charging nyc'ers for coming into the city between 6am and 6pm. Like its not already incredibly difficult to live in nyc already. I'm still pissed at my overtime work getting cut by nyc taxes!! ughhh...so now bloomberg wants to add onto the trouble by charging $8! How ridiculous. As much as congestion is a problem in the city, i don't think its the MAIN problem for the city. NYC will be congested no matter what you do, and I disagree to charging NyC's citizens to enter into their own territory. Ughh...lets see what happens with this one.

Setting GOals?..making plans



So another day in the office...



Its friday and I have a whack-ass apartment that I have to attend to. Its great though, having anything to go home to is all I ever wanted. So i'll simply push myself into further debt by joining Ikea...



In other News...



Fantasia is making big statements on Bway these days..

She is extended with Color Purple till 2008! I think its time that this fellow theater gyal spends some money and go see this fabulous actress...I'm excited.



Even more, Fantasia is definetly rumored to be working on another play about the life of Ada (Bricktop) Smith, an African-American expatriate in Paris in the 1920s who became a nightlife queen. I figure that this will be cutting the rug on broadway for about 2009 or 2010, in which I will let you all know that this 25 year-old..named me..will be doing everything she can to be apart of that show. Let the games begin. I'm out for the kill!

"The Trying Times"

This week in the Trying Times we take a look at the trying times that friends could bring.

I'm grateful..Simply grateful. As much as it seems like I might be pulling myself..deep into a hole..because i'm trying to survive in the big city...

I thank God everyday..cause i'm still being blessed. Just landed myself a job interview at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I'm more than motivated to land that second job...I need it! I just laid down a deposit on a new apartment and i'm OH SO HAPPY TO HAVE A HOME...its too bad that I can't afford the second deposit right now..but i'm not going to stress over it anymore. I found myself on the train..unable to relax, unable to even take a regular subway nap..due to the constant buzzing in my brain over how i'm going to come up with an extra $600 for our deposit..when I still have other bills to pay, and I have to eat. Furthermore, my check this friday may just be grazing $400...how will it work out? I have no idea...but i'm done trying to kill myself over it. Its going to be alright...I hope! So this is the stressful life of NYC huh? When all i've got is a couple of dollars in my pocket to pay bills, eat, and travel to work. Even so, I look at the last couple of months and I'll say that I've come a long way. I've worked hard to figure things out..and although they aren't perfect, although i'm not doing theater right now, although my weight is at its worst right now, and although i'm so broke I hold on tightly to the pennies in my purse...I still feel like i'm on my way towards the kind of life that I've always dreamed. Focusing heavily on what I don't have...will not allow me to celebrate the fact that I do have another job possibility, and that I do have a roof over my head, and I do have a family that truly cares for me and will put out...Through it all..I'm still blessed.

though, what is probing me is the anguishing relationship that I am holding with my "best" friend and now to be roommate. Again, sitting on the train I was disturbed from my nap just feeling anngry. I don't understand her attitude towards me at all. And I have always been the person to admit that I am wrong. I have been the person to try to get people to feel better and to try to consolidate our relationship. I have done wrong things...but who hasn't? And how many people can say that they've outwardly admitted it and apologized? And even so, what i've done is not some outlandish thing like....sleeping with her boyfriend or stealing money. I would like to say that although i'm struggling...no one can say that I haven't been a good friend. But ya'll...THIS girl has got me thinking that I should just not give a shit about friends anymore.

I'm still trying to figure out what I did wrong..but I guess time will tell.

This weekend..I get to venture off to syracuse,ny to attend a wedding from my boyfriends family.
I'm not sure if I really want to hang out with all those weedheads..but I would give anything to get out of this stressful environment for a few days. I wish you all a safe weekend and I hope that this trip will be memorable...in a good way....no more memorable bad ways...i don't like that feeling.

Too Far Into it....


How deep is YOUR love?
Hello from NYC where I..."reside" or am attempting to "reside" which really means...where I am currently working and yet homeless all at the same time. Ladies and Gents here's to a new change for this blogger as she sets forth into the future to claim her stance upon the world.

Today, on this very morning sitting in my office assistant chair...having nothing to do but to cut the backs of hearts, dreaming about how I want my life to be, knowing that its so close...but yet very far out of my reach....i'm reminded that I have a ...love life? A boyfriend...almost a year of fighting and trouble....embarassment...sex...love...hate...suspicion...love..hugs..kisses..misses...break ups...unhappiness...unsureness(word?).....As july is here...I think of the one more month left we have to make it a year...and i wonder if i'll make it. I wonder if its worth it. I wonder if this is right for me. Still, after a year, i'm unsure. Normally I would say quit it...but..How deep is my love? So blinded from the fact that I could really be unhappy. But still...i push forward..hoping and wishing that love prevails. Of course I know, i need to do a lot more action than hoping and wishing.....Ha..a lot of action..thats funny..maybe i already do enough of that....
So here it comes to....the story of the day. This is what all my babbling has resulted in...the story of the weekend. Lets put it in as short simple terms as possible.
Go to his show...late. He is upset...understood. I am a little tipsy...needed it. I ask him to dance...innocent. He denies me.....fucker. I walk away...only to find him staring at some white skinny girl....he continues to stare...as if his eyes is glued on her ever so gorgeous breasts and long legs. And then..all hell breaks loose...I approach him...curse up a storm..nudge him in the head. And then walk away......almost. I promise you..it was the liquor that gave me the permission....to walk back to the girl and push her.
So now that everyone has calmed down, yelled at each other, pretended to make up....and after I have repeated this storyto my friends over and over again...i'm still sitting here...at my job...embarassed cause his friends think that im mentally crazy...and..hurt...cause as much as he denies it...I saw him staring.

Now if we analyze this from a perspective of many relationships..there are other way worse positions that couples could find themselves in. I, however, already know...the potential future for a young couple...and this may be the main reason why I am uptight about see my boyfriend stare at other girls...cause after the staring stage begins....then I know what the next level is....straight up cheating.

The other part that is difficult is facing my own esteem and how I view myself. Quite possibly it could be that I need to get stronger...I need to find my place as a beautiful woman in this world...I need more security.....from myself.

I haven't quite yet figured out how I am going to handle this situation. I could possibly just try to forget it. But...i'd rather not. In situations like these, I find that taking something out of it..is the best way to make the situation become better than it seems. Right now, its seeming like this shoulder needs a little her time. Where she is not comforting her boyfriend..not trying to make all her friends happy...but trying to live..trying to get on her feet...trying to work it all out for herself. And as I make this plan for myself...and strive to let it form within this month...I am still faced with the insecurities that my boyfriend will hurt me.....I don't know how to get it out of my mind. I'm so scared of getting hurt..and I'm more scared of losing him.

But you know what they say....when you are that scared...it means its time to face your fears.
So this last month, the last month before one year....I challenge myself to step away from the boyfriend...give him .....no give me....my time...and if I lose him....it will hurt. But I will be finally growing up..and facing the biggest fear that I have today...so be it. Let it begin.

A Letter to My Lost Love

I'll never love more than how I loved you. I can't even think of how I'm going to get through tomorrow without you. What hurts even more is that we are both so madly in love...and yet we cannot be together. Its the hardest thing to not be with you anymore. I just want to take it back, right now. But your absence only assures me that its really over. And i'm not sure if i'm ready to accept that now.

I love you. My tears burn even stronger because I don't see a future for myself. I have changed so much because of you. I have witnessed life differently. And I wish that we could both go into the world with the new same views. But this is life. This is what people were saying when the quote goes "life sucks". You just can't have your cake and eat it to. I'm going to miss you Obeji....please don't forget about me. ..............

-kareen

Mad AT the World...My Morning Rant...

So where do I start?
I'm pissed at everyone today.
Lets start withhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate being a theater major that has to limit herself to what she has to do, simply because of the color of my skin. This is my problem with dealing with people who've been in the business for so long and do not understand the importance of people being people and not characteristics or stereotypes. Its like i'm non-existent in that class, like i'm not supposed to be there or something and that shit just makes me fire. Sometimes, i think its just me. Maybe its my paranoid mind...but then this bitch yells out some shit about being the "Black Girl" and shit and then I realize that it is all that he sees me as. And because of this, i'm very nervous about HIM messing up my chances...because basically in the end I feel very short changed.

Being Black is ALWAYS an issue. And I just wish that I could change it. But because I simply can't. What the hell am I supposed to do?


Furthermore, I am pissed at the group of men that inhabit this world today. They get away with so much.....but now that I think of it, I guess its always been that way. Men are able to get away with so much shit. I guess i'm just not the type of girl to jus sit back and say..."Well thats Life." Well thats the world! And there's nothing I can do about it." I'm more of a person who takes action....but there is no way to do that with this issue.
Why do men cheat? Why can't they stop? And if they do, why can't there be some blazing signal of flashing lights and twirling winds to alarm the girl that he's with? Its just AB-solutely not cool for me to be sitting home thinking about how my guy could be cheating and shit.
Well, don't jump to conclusions. No one knows for sure, but this boy has been so distant. Its like he doesn't want to talk to me at all. And I have no idea what I did. Before I continue on with being reasonable and saying how he is just going through something, and he probably just needs some space....BEFORE I GET REASONABLE...i'll be a girl first , and simply say that i'm afraid of this getting out of hand. To the point that he doesn't really want to talk to me at all. And this week, becomes more weeks, which then becomes no more of us. And I'm definetly afraid of that. And I don't know what to do. I tried pushing myself on him.....possibly seeing that the way that he is acting is downright mean...that he is very obvious that he's hurting me....BUT this boy just seems to not care at all. He's just like whatever....and so that means that I have to sit back and wait for him to feel better? And then what? You think he's going to call me back two weeks later and say "I'm sorry baby, I was just going through alot." Bullshit, he'll probably just act like nothings wrong. All of this blogging is just making me even angrier. Instead of wanting to fix this, I just want to quit it.
I just don't understand how his mentality works. If he's going through something...the thing that he is going to go to for help is going to be his bud. Its not going to be his girlfriend. When he goes through something he wants to stay away from me, and that shit doesn't make sense. Especially because I am the one who is supposed to hold him down. Isn't that how it goes in the book? Isn't that how its supposed to be? Even if its not, thats HOW I want it to be. But this boy is oblivioius to me. I am used only when needed.

That shit pisses me off. I'm about ready to take his number and trash it for the week. My bday is coming up, and all I want to do is be happy. And if he is not going to do that for me...then fuck him.

I'M OVER HER

So Once Upon A Time, I used to aspire to be like one of my friends. She's gorgeous, plain ol' has one of the best bodies ever...and I just always wanted to have what she has. I'm over the shallow-ness that my mind has conceived. I'm over trying to be something that i'm not. I'm over her.

This is mainly because she isn't as cool as me. There I said it. All I had to do was spend a mere 15 minutes with her to see that I was much happier being me. I no longer aspired to even look like her, because I realized that me is maybe not better, maybe me doesn't look better, maybe me can't fit into her kinds of clothes, and maybe me can't get the looks that she gets, but I'd wayy prefer me.

She'sss BAAAAAACK

I'm ready to do it again. I've been moping around complaining about what I want and what i haven't got. And I am sooo unaware of my capabillities. I want to do theater! I want to do it so badly. And I want to be so good at it.

Funny realization..I guess i've always flocked to what I do best. And what I do best is what I have always chosen to do..because I do it best. So i'm lucky to have been able to be really good at what I love to do. But, i'm getting older..entering the world and realizing that i'm not the only one good at it. And I've become scared of not myself, but of everyone else. Completely losing sight that this is what I want. Now, I think its all about focus. I just need to remind myself of why I love it. And GO FOR IT!
Its what i've been dreaming to do. And I can do it so well.

So i have to work harder. So what? Everyone is kicking their ass, and i think I felt that I could get a free ride by natural talent and empathy. Well its definetly obvious that the world works against empathy. Its what looks good, its what sounds good, its what moves you. And so many people can do it. So i've got to STEP UP. And thats pretty much it.

She's Back. Fo Sho

Homesick Blues...

Today is a Blue Day. I don't know where to start. When you lose someone in your life, it is a simple awakening. You start to look at your life. You question your actions, your thoughts, your goals...

I just feel so lost.

Actually, I think I am actually scared. I think this is it. Life is so scary. Its fast moving, constantly going, you've got to be always on your grind. People come into your life and hurt you, People leave you, People Love and then leave you, Careers are competitive, Money is rare, and if you're not on top of it all...You lose. After Joey's death, I look at a guy who had life figured out. He made his moves and was on his way. No questions. No fear. It almost makes me wonder why the hell am I still here?

I feel like the weakest link. Always attempting..Always trying. Never succeeding. I just wish that I could take control of my life. But instead, I have realized that I just walk around these days scared. Scared of losing him. Scared of not succeeding at what I want to do. Scared of Living. and at the same time..scared of Dying.

And I wonder how did I come to this? And all I want to do is just fix it. But I can't. I just don't know how. Its sooo many things. So many things I want to fix. Everything has a great importance. Everything is at top priority. Everything is giving me only one chance, and if I slip. I'm out.

How do people do it everyday? How do they get up in the morning, and take showers, and make themselves up?
How do they compete in their careers, knowing that there are thousands and millions who are going after the same exact thing?
How do they stay sane in their relationships? Not worrying if you're doing the right thing, and if your partner will stay with you?
How do people live?

I wish I knew the secret to living.

Spring Breaak.

While I did not go off to a far and wonderful warm, hot, sexy beach like Miami or Cancun, I did find myself in a handful of events during my last break as a student. Spring Break. A time for people to wile out and lose control. I decided to bring myself upstate to Oneonta..SUNY Oneonta, and visit my friend and boyfriend. Boy...I dunno.

Maybe a handful of events is just too belittling to such a week.
I wish that sometimes I didn't live in regret. I also wish that I could just change people's attitudes with the snap of my finger, I wish that I could have it all, it all..includes money, and I wish that everyone in the world lived forever...except the rapists and killers of course. This week was one hell of a riot...going back and forth trying to figure out of my friend is pissy mad at me. With her fluctuating attitudes, Im still not even sure! And when you're best friend is mad, you just seem to wonder if it makes sense to bother even try to make friends anymore. Nah mean? This girl is mad at me for something. I don't know what. And she wont say what. I think it could be the inclusion of the bf, but I just wish that maybe she could be happy for me. I don't know. It just never works to try to mix your bestf and your boyf in your fun affairs, especially if they are good friends and will most likely cause a lot of anguish for you when you are present, but get along just fine when you are gone. I wish I could eat my cake and have it too. I wish I could have both to be happy with. But maybe i'm wrong and I just have to face the fact! ughh jee goshh.
And then the constant bickering between me and my hublove is a given in any circumstance. I guess I have to admit that I do ask a lot. But goshh.. i just want to have him forever...and no one will let me:(. So these week went with tons of drinking and drunking, lots of laser tag fun, some of the most passionate sexual experiences that I ever had, and the pain in my heart that my bf was mad at me after fighting just when I left. I'm an emotional rollercoaster. Maybe I should be committed.

So uh...No COunselor

Since i can't meet with my counselor. I guess i'll just write whats on my mind today. So, after much thought over the past 2 weeks, I have officially decided to END my theater career. Okay, maybe i'm being dramatic. Ending is so final, and I'm not sure if once I get out there if I'll want to start it again. So, i'm taking a step away from theater. I'm just finding that its not for me anymore, and my passion is slowly deteriorating. Now, this may be for several reasons, one being that I'm just fed up with this school. But my intuitions are, that as much as this school kills me, its probably not too far off from the real world.
The same old issues that I face here as a Black Theater Major, will most likely be doubled when I get into the "REAL" world. And, i'm just certain that I can't handle it. I wont say i don't have the talent or the drive, but I definetly don't have the balls. Too bad. I always thought I was street saavy and shit. Better luck next time!
What I want more than anything is to have a place of my own. A steady job that gives me steady money. And a big bed to sleep in.
This is my goal right now. And i'm pretty happy with it.
I've dreaded being a quitter my whole life. I'm going to try to not be, but I just don't know.

Today I was ready to quit. But the Lord said "No." And he opened my eyes to let me see what I am capable of. My dreams are the strongest insurance that I have. So, for now...I'll keep going.

Fortune favors the Brave....

So today. I couldn't wait. And as soon as i got into my room i just had to hop onto that weight scale. UNNNNfooortunattelly....babygirl is not losing any weight.Thank god. I'm not really gaining any. Just stuck at 143. And on any normal day, I would be unhappy. But I know that I have been pushing myself for the past week. Today, I felt so good pushing myself at the gym. Then I had a wonderful lunch. And enjoyed my protein drink. I'm doing well with food. I've got to fix a few things, but by far, I have been trying hard. And I will just keep trying. Hopefully next week, we'll see a 2lbs loss? 141....Please come:(
I'm just going to keep trying. I wont let this bring me down.

Mood Change....

Today is no especially a good day. I just feel fat. Very fat. And i feel worse cause i was doing so well until tonight when i had to go for the 'bad food'. It just sucks. Losing weight is such a long voyage. Its just as bad as waiting to see your bf after 2 months! Its so frustrating cause you just have to get through each day consistently. Waiting and waiting for the end of the time to come near.
I look back at all of these years that i've been overweight, and to come to the point where i am today, i'm just so upset that i have let myself get this far. This saturday is my first week weigh-in. I can only hope that atleast a pound was lost! I can hope.
But besides the weight loss, and the sudden burst of depression, I think i'm doing much better so far this semester than last. Last semester started off rough. With me missing classes in the first week, and consistently missing classes. I wouldn't even shower every day or brush my teeth or do my hair. I was much more content with staying in my room and locking the door to everyone.
I think this goal of weight loss has helped my spirits to arise. I have a plan that is acceptably possible. Even more, I'm just generally better at handling myself and managing my loneliness. I think I also have pinpointed some important emotional and mental issues and am learning how to define them on the spot, and then come up with a solution as well.
I think i'm going to be fine. Consistency is key.
night lov'

Its getting really difficult to trust him. How do i get over this? Anyone?

Today....


Today I decided that finding a better way for me to redirect my anger will give me power. Not power over my relationship. But power over myself.

Bucklin' Down

Any motivation that I can get! Today i saw some great blogs and sites from fellow peers who are showing that they are off to doing big things. They are pure inspirations for me. I am so scared of graduating, but I'm also very excited.

In order to ease the nervousness...I'm trying to bring myself up. I gotta Buckle Down and see what areas in my theatre experience that need essential help. I've gotta work on everything. FULL FORCE. Dance, Acting..etc. I'm very excited and I think I can do this! I just gotta take one day at a time.

I also looked up headshots today. How difficult! I decided that paying almost a thousand dollars on headshots is NOT the best bet for such a young and inexperienced theatre artist. Its more important to get fresh new headshots that will help me to jump off my career. Now, everyone at WCC is using this Nick Gravito guy. I think he's good. But he's not fresh enough for me. Also, I want someone different. I don't want to be like everyone else. I've never been completely accepted as apart of them....so why should i start now? lol. So I did what i did best. I went through every photographer that is recommended in new york. I put all my favorite and expensive photographers to the side...so that I may be able to revist them in a few years. I asked around..and I'm getting excited for my decision. I haven't made it yet, but when I do....I'll definetly let you know.

Lose the Weight Update:
It seems that I'm off to a decent start. I've gone down a few pounds. about 4. Its important that I start being consistent with my exercise and food routine so that I can see steady results. 4 lbs is great! But 4 lbs will come back real quickly...lol. So this week, its my goal to make sure that I'm doing some sort of activity for atleast 30 min.
Also, I need to look up the stats on chocolate milk. I've found a new fondness for it. And if it is okay to drink...then I could use it as a replacement for cookie and cake desserts. We'll see!

Seeing Dee in her bathing suit tonight made me feel even more inspired to go along with my goals. Dnt I sound like the shallow one? Even so, I've wanted this for years. She looks so great in her bathing suit, I just kno that once bg and Ryan see those pics..that they are going to salivate ferociously. Even images of my boyfriend masturbating to Dee's pics pop into my head. (Yeah...this is offdashoulda..if u can't take the graphics..leave now.) I don't know why i torture myself this way. But I can just see him now.

I see him when he looks at her when he's here. She's got that tiny and tall torso. Her waist is so pretty cause its so freakin tiny! And then she's got the west indian butt..that i know bg likes. So i'm thinking to myself..although he loves me...he can't help but peek at her picks and just salivate to no man's land. It hurts...but it motivates as well. I hope:(.

I'm beginning to realize that my mind is completely whacked up. I'm realizing more and more how low my self-esteem is. ITS PRETTY LOW. But whats weird is that i have been swimming in this kinda state for so long, that I am used to it. I'm used to being like this. My mind is like a mix between a romantic comedy, an action, a porno and a horror flick all in one. Only because of the extreme that I take things in my mind. Everything gets blown up to its worst existence. And when it comes to the bf..or the bg...it becomes graphic. Maybe because if you imagine the worse...it wont be so bad if its true. But we all know the truth. I'mma be hurt either way.

I think if I just saw myself...the way that I wanna be. If I could meet HER once. I'd feel like I can accomplish anything. But she just seems so far away.

On a brighter note...
How about a little time of inspiration to avoid hitting the sack with tears in the eyes.

Nova, the acting teacher, says to write 5 things/times that I am ultimately proud of in my life... lets see.

1. I'm proud of having BG in my life. Right now, my boyfriend is what makes my world turn. Unfortunately, its probably the unsafest thing for me to devote my all in my boyfriend...buts its quite difficult to fight the urge.
2. I'm proud of my theater accomplishments. Although I can only think of one show of the many that i have done that I absolutely felt the best at. I imagine that my experiences in theatre will either do one of the two things...Get better...or Go downhill. We all know which I'd prefer. But if the latter is my fate, I have all of my cherishable moments on stage. I freakin love the stage. Its where I live, its where I belong. It's the only home I know.
3. Grandpa Passing. When my grandfather past it was the hardest thing for me. But I learned so much from his life that I keep with me always. He loved and worked hard...his whole life. And the memory of him..will stay in my heart...always.
4. Spending the Holidays with my entire family. I don't like them sometimes. But most of the time, they are generally my favorite people.
5. Receiving the SGA award in my sophomore year. It was a hard year. And although everyone hated me...that plaque proves that I busted my ass for them. So fuck them All. I got the fuckin award.

..Alright welll I was hoping that was going to be somehow rewarding. It was only halfway. But it'll do...No wait..here's an idea.....

The 5 Top things I'd like to Accomplish in my life.

#1. Being at 122 on my 22nd Birthday which happens to be on April 22nd. How sweet would it be to reward myself by being 122 @ 22 on 4/22? I would be so happy. Its a far stretch...but if I make this one...I'll wear bathing suits for a week. Just for fuckin fun.
#2. Buying my Parents a house...WHEREVER
#3. Travel around the world..safely
#4. By GOD!..Be on the Broadway stage
#5. Get Married

No where to go...

Being apart of The Music Man is quite difficult. It is a very humbling and yet terribly frustrating experience to be in the ensemble. I must say this is one of the worst musical experiences thus far in my musical career. So bad.. that i am actually contemplating on whether I can really do this in REAL LIFE...? Its just so hard. iTS SO HARD TO STICK OUT. And its hard to give 100% when you know that no one is watching.

I don't know if I'm in the right place anymore. I just feel like this is something I want to do...but I am truly physically, mentally, and emotionally..unable to do it. And I've always felt this way. And now..its just as if this year is a confirmation. I wanna cry. But I can't cause I gotta do the theory homework that i've been procrastinating for the past week. Woof. I'm doomed.

Uhmmm.....Lets be friends again.

Lets see. Today I feel better because i talked to bg and now we are back to being happy.....for now. Ha. Today I didn't do much. I mainly feel bad about what I ate today. Not only did I not go to the gym, but I had fries for lunch, pizza for dinner, a steak hoagie for evening, and a snickers ice cream for late late night. Woof. I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize. Losing that 20 lbs is not going to be easy. But I just gotta buckle down. Be strong right? Tomorrow I will start gymning. I am hoping to get my exercise videos back by monday so that I can start doing them in my room..I think that will definetly help the most. Until then..i'll do the gym thing and hope for the best.

Today I feel happy because although I didn't do anything progressive as far as my weight loss..I did do other things that made me happy:) I finally washed my hair after about 3 weeks. Yuck. I'll try to keep it up from now on. I also looked up auditions for theatre and looked up headshots. I ended up finding someone I really like, but she costs $950! I really want to work with her though. I'm thinking...these headshots should last me for atleast 4-5 years. Since i'm coming out into the theatre world, I wanna come full force you know? If I do these headshots, I definetly have to be 20lbs lighter. I want to do this right.

I'm so scared to grow up. I just look at myself compared to the other majors and im just not sure if i'm cut out for it. If only it were easier and I could just land a job in the theatre. I would be ecstatic and happy forever. But it just doesn't get that easy. So I guess I gotta just keep my hopes up and do what I gotta do! Until next time......I'm really liking this everyday blogging thing. It feels good to get the little shit offdashoulda..nah mean?

My List.


I could write a "What do I want in a guy" List like everyone else. But i've found a more simplier answer to this that sums it up in a more ME way.

So, what do I want in a guy?

I want someone who will FIGHT for ME. And if you don't understand what that means, then you are obviously not the ONE.

Corto....Talking on the phone

So today i read a few blogs and read over mine as well. And i'm realizing that i need to start writing to myself everyday. Even if its just a short one. Getting things off da shoulda...on a regular basis maybe very helpful for me as a theatre artist, as an RA, as a Friend, as a daughter, as...still hopefully...a gf.

The last words I heard spoken on the phone to me last night was, "I don't want to talk to you."

And I said, "But I really want to talk to you. If you don't want to talk to me, then we could just end it."

And he said, "I don't want to do all that. You are such a baby you always have to get what you want. And I don't want to deal with someone like that. I don't want to talk to you!!!"

I'm so surprised at the fact that I didn't hang up the phone and start balling my eyes out.

So the situation these days is that I am just so lonely.

And you see when u have your boyfriend around you, you are just so happy because he makes you feel so special. But then when he is 8 hours away, and everytime you get a chance to talk to him, he is distracted, you start to get real lonely...and you start to feel really unspecial. So last night, I hung up on him. Maybe it wasn't the best thing to do, but I was upset. And he got upset and told me..well you know.

So i'm sad. Cause I don't want to be at fault. Although I was at fault for hanging up, I don't feel that demanding a little attention when you are so far away is too much. I definetly wouldnt demand it if I didn't do it myself. And with the thick schedule that I have, I still stop everything I'm doing just to talk to him. He calls me a baby. And says I can't get everything I want. Maybe he's right. I feel he's wrong. But maybe I'm just demanding too much from him.

In any case, I'm the one who is sad.

5 min solution...

Today in class we talked about Shakespeare and how his stories are such great representations of love. Women desire love because they desire stablity. We, women want men to profess their undying love. We want to be theirs. We want to be only theirs. And its funny how this works only to our disadvantage. The professor asked, why is it that we find ourselves in such horrible predicaments when we are in love? Constantly there are two parties that are constantly battling. Whether it be the two people in love, or their families..or their in-laws...etc. There is only conflict. Why is this? The class continued to spit out very intellectual answers, as I...remaining quiet for the entire class..due to my own insecurities on my knowledge of the text.........as I watch my own mind search for the reason. I amazed myself. As I was witness to how my mind went through idea after idea...searching for the best solution that i could think of. And just when the teacher was ending the convo...It hit me. It hit me like a fucking tree trunk..right across the right side of my head. Why is it that my mother desires me to stay with her when she knows that i love her, but i would never survive living with her? My mother is the only stable example in my life of true love. And yet, she will not budge when it comes to me living with her...she INSISTS! So then, if I could grow from my only example in my life to anything higher...what would be?

Any Black person can chime in right about now...it would be God. God is the Ultimate example of stability and love. He WILL NOT budge from his love. In fact, God Is LOVE. God = Love. Remember this. And often I have forgotten this. ALONG WITH HIS LOVE.. it is stated himself that HE is a jealous God. He does not want any of us to stray from him. Much like how my mother does not want me to stray from her. And THIS...is called possession. And THAT is Selfish. And Love is Selfish.

Selfishness has always been a sign of negativity to me. But wouldn't it be funny if I realized that selfishness comes out of something that is positive like Love. Or is love positive? To me yes it is. And yes i am selfish in my love. I want my friends to be with me and care for only me. I want them to be mine. I want my mother to listen to me and only me. I want my boyfriend to do what i want him to. And this selfishness is not derived from anything negative...it is derived from my care for them. I care about them. And my love...gives me possession of them and thus...I am selfish with them.

I have 5 minutes. 5 easy minutes to make a decision about my current relationship. He is doing something that I do not LIKE. And yet he refuses to stop. I love him. But i cannot see myself going on with this unless something has changed. And he says that if I feel this way, then it should end now. Why wait till later? And waste time? Right? I guess.
I don't want to live in denial in this relationship. Its been a few times that we have come to this issue if whether we should stay together..and now it is an issue that i cannot seem to get over. But why?

Because I am jealous of the fact that he has something else to avert his attention. I am upset at the fact that this is something that can harm him. And I am afraid of his future...if this is something that grows to be even more harmful....I would hate to hear him cry his regrets. I would hate it. Because I knew...from a long time ago...that he should've stopped. Everyone seems to belittle this issue as if its nothing. But if you can prevent something harmful from happening to someone you love....Wouldn't u?

5 minutes to decide if I can live with this. I want to stay with him..but I feel as if he's cheating on me with something else. So why do i feel that? When a man cheats on you with a woman...why are we upset? Lets seee....we are upset because we FEAR that we are unattractive to him. Right? We are upset because we want him to only want us...and we THOUGHT we had this power...and he has stripped us of it. He has said.."No...there is something better than u. I don't always need you." And THAT shit hurts. He has left us to be insecure creatures who are always questioning ourselves and what we are. When a man cheats...he is sharing what you two have seen as the ultimate intimacy with someone else. And along with that...he has endangered your mental, emotional, and especially physical health.

Can a guy cheat with something else besides a woman? I guess a man in our days..but i mean to be serious right now. Can my boyfriend cheat on me with his weed? I got 2 minutes.....

When he smokes I am upset. I am upset that he is harming himself. Even more I find that his smoking is apart of what he was before me. What he was before me...is still him now. And this is where the real problem lies. Cuz what he was before..is nothing that I am interested in being apart of. And I want him to start a new with me. I feel that his smoking is like cheating, because if things are rough he will result to the smoking before he comes to me. I want to be his everything. Because I love him, and I'm selfish for it. But I have to realize that I can't change him.

Women who get beaten everyday...claim they love. Am I falling into a trap in which one day...I will realize that I am an idiot? Am I just scared of what will end up happening to me if I stay with him?

If I can't change him. What can I do? I could Leave. THATS WHAT I SHOULD DO. I NEED TO LEAVE. I NEED TO LET GO. I REALLY NEED TO LET GO. IT WOULD HURT SO MUCH TO LET IT GO. How can I be happy with it? It just seems impossible. It feels as if I would just be waiting out the time for it to pass. Because he is not going to budge. Can I say to myself...i'll deal with it now... and hope to be better with him later. Can I live with knowing that later may never be better? Can I stay with that? I can't. I just can't. Cause I would be unhappy....eventually. I can't.................

1 minute...

Love is cruel thing. It hurts more than it pleases. Why should I stop the tradition now? If I walk away....I feel I will be playing it safe. Now, Its not about the fact that I am upset with his smoking...its about whether I can Love harder. Even despite the risk of what it could mean later. Love is so many things...and there is no reason to hide or make excuses for being scared. It is definetly better to have loved than not loved at all...and its even better to fall for love...instead of staying on solid ground.
Love is selfish. Love is jealousy. Love is sweet. Love is warm.
Love is Risk. Love is Strong.

The Trials and Tribulations of a new Relationship. Ch. 1


Where do I begin? Funny, cause i already have a feeling on how I will end. Better yet, I have a feeling on how IT will end. So I know the ending, but the beginning is so far fetched. What am I talking about? I'm talking about this damned thing we call love. Yes, I have fallen under the trap of it. ME...a 21-year old, just turned non-virgin, with quite a jerk for a boyfriend..except when he's with me. It feels like everyone is looking in on this relationship and thinking the same thing that i fear. This nigga is gonna ruin her life. Eventually, he will find some other chick to fuck around with, and it'll be ova. Just that simple. Why do we see this? Cause every man imaginable has committed the same crimes; From my best friends' boyfriends to my own damned father. All of which are good examples of men who seem to be the ones to trust and yet they have failed. And now I, a youngin to the game of LOVE is now pulling her guard down to a Cocky-Cutie, who loves to play video games, watch basketball and football, have sex with many chicas, and smoke weed on the side. He is Not at all a God-fearing man, who condemns sex before marriage, and the abuse of drugs and alcohol.

Hot Damn. It sure as hell seems as if I'm doomed for failure. I mean, he doesn't even match up to what a "decent" idea of an available and willing boyfriend would be. And I'm almost certain that if we were just friends...I probably wouldn't be able to stand him, with the way he talks about girls like they are merely a conquest...sex vixens...and not at all human beings or friends that he could simply chill with. And yet, I have fallen. Deeply. So deeply that I'm so afraid of the end. Where do I begin is not at all important anymore. How it will end?..has taken its position in my head. And I'm scared. I'm so scared. And ..the funny thing is... I don't really think that I'm so scared for getting my heart broken. I mean, DAMN its gonna hurt badly. But I'm more scared about losing him and him losing me. Cause I FEEL that I am the best thing for him. Not because of anything that I may possess..like money or cars or anything like that. I know i'm the best for him because I care about him sooo much. And I love him so much, that I would do anything to see him happy. I'm afraid of the end, because I'm afraid of where he'll RETURN to if we end.

Sometimes I think of him like my favorite doggy Petey. Another funny, comparing my boyfriend to a dog! Well, when I was growing up, Petey was so bad with the outside world. Any strangers that would come to the door, immediately infuriated him! He would bark so ferociously and scratch at the window, and the door. I swear it felt that if i would let him go, he would try to kill any and every one. It was bad. But Petey wasn't ever that way with me. Sometimes we would get into our little fights, and he may growl or run away from me. But besides that, he was always loving. He would lie on my lap whenever I was watching tv. And when I had hard times at school, I would sit there....and rub his head....and I'd talk to him. Like he was my therapist or something! I would tell him about EVERYTHING, and complain about all the pretty girls, and the mean boys and how I wish I was one of the pretty girls who the mean boys liked. And as we all know, he was a dog...and he didn't care. He just liked being there because i rubbed his head. And he liked following me around because he knew that I was the one who took care of him. I fed him, walked him, and played with him. And he showed his affection and thanks to me...every single day. The way he was to me was the COMPLETE opposite of how he acted towards the strangers who came to the house.

In a small way, I find that my boyfriend is sort of like him. Only difference is is that he genuinely wants to hear what I say, he goes out of his way to make me happy. He has proven that he'll stick around for me when times are hard. And he tells me all the time how much he misses and Loves me. SO WEIRD! Cause before me...and to the outside world..he is not the same. Weird huh? So yeah, he is what I mentioned before, from the jerkiness to the smoking. BUT, he is only like that on the outside. To me, he is much different. And I feel so appreciated and loved by him. And its not like he has two faces, he just treats me differently. Its quite beautiful.

But still, insecurities arise. I am still afraid of losing him to someone or something else. And I fear the end and how badly it will turn out. All I know is that I love him, and I'll try to either ignore the future, or imagine it to be something a little more happier.

A new revelation...

I'm trying to see my future...but at this point it is just way too cloudy to see anything promising. I'm hoping to revive my spirit this year. Thats the only resolution that makes any sort of sense for me. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? I always wanted these questions to come out of sweet anticipation and excitement for beginning a new part of my life. But right now, its simply out of frustration and helplessness. I know what I want to do. But the question lies if i DARE to do it. Despite everything against me.....can i do it? I know i want to...but is it really possible? (Closes her eyes and breathes) I know I can finish school. I know I can graduate on time. And I know that i can find a place...I know I can lose the weight...I know I can land a theatre job. I know I can blow them out of the park. I know I can be THE BEST. I can see myself doing it. I dream it everyday.

But can I do it with a baby?