Can't Sleep...:(


So its late. And I've gotta get up in the morning to go sit behind a cash register for five hours. Five hours of my life wasted away behind a cash register so that I can sort of make money to survive in this god forsaken world. I'm so upset. And I so don't belong here.lol. There are many reasons why I honestly think that my existence on this earth is a waste of time. Firstly, I HATE working. I hate getting up for work and I hate being at work. And I hate waiting for work to end. Work is something that I am just not sure I can get used to. Work must die! I absolutely despise it and hate every aspect of it.

Second, I have a thing with consistency and maintenance that never seems to work. Lets talk about this for a second. This issue or lack there of in being consistent has been the downfall of everything that i have worked for..thus far in my life. Singing... losing weight... even intelligence...all of these are examples of my talents that have lost their quality due to my inconsistency to practice, inconsistency to get on a diet and exercise regime and stick to it, and inconsistency to study! I am a lost cause... because I do see myself as someone who can go very far... yet, I can see how I can easily be my own downfall to my dreams and goals.

Furthermore, my lack of consistency and maintenance is going to show forth with my relationship with this boy. I can see it already. First of all, I have NEVER been good at relationships period. And only my closest friends have remained my closest friends because they have learned to accept this. I don't know how to conduct myself in relationships...so I do what I do best...and I just be me. I am me when i'm moody, i am me when i've got my period, i am me when i'm happy, and i am me when i'm pissed. I don't try to hide anything... not really. So, being in a relationship with this guy is going to be difficult. I don't know how to maintain this relationship. And as much as I want to.. I see it as an obligation to call him and talk to him sometimes. Its like when you play that computer game...SIMS. You have to take care of your people. And there is this one section where you must make sure they talk to people everyday and maintain their relationships by talking in person or talking on the phone...otherwise..their social bar will decrease, will send them into depression, and then its hard to progress in the game. Well thats how i see some of my relationships....I see them as a social bar that I have to fulfill. This is how it is with BG..and its so hard. There are days when I'm dying to talk to him. And then there are times when I just need to be by myself..no matter if I want to talk to him or not. I just need to keep him out for a lil bit so i can focus. But I feel like i've got to call him everyday and make sure that he's okay everyday ...o i dnt kno

So, its late....

Yeah I'm up. Even though I am supposed to be sleeping early so that I can get up early to go do my first day of running and then a full day of training. Well, I'm putting together my ipod for the morning...so hopefully I'm not going to cop out ..lol.

Anyways, What do I talk about? I don't know I don't really have much to say...I'm just chilling I guess. BG came this weekend...and it was..well I guess bittersweet. It always sucks when you want something so bad, and its visit is so short. Like if you're on a diet and allow yourself to have chocolate once a week...shit... How horrible is it for you to have that chocolate? I think its worse to get it sparingly. It should be either get it all the time.. or never again. Because its kinda hard to go back to living life without chocolate after that mere moment of having a few tastes. It's almost like torture...lol. So thats me.. missing my chocolate.

I feel bad though, everytime he's with me, he seems to be late for everything. I don't know why i'm rambling.. but sometimes I just have to get thoughts out so here I go. So yeah, like everytime he's with me he's always getting ready to go to someplace important after. And we have to rush to the train and then..he's alwaayyysss late. Its so ridiculous. This might sound a little weird..but sometimes I swear that I bring him bad luck or something. When he's with me.. nothing seems to go right. Like for his last showcase..he got fucked over having to wait the whole night to perform. And he has another one coming up. And I can't make it. Man, I swear if everything goes right, I'm going to be positive that it is me. I don't know, maybe I'm stressing too much... thinking that the world revolves around me... but seriously man... I swear that it is me! Its late... let me be. lol.

Sometimes my insecurities do get the best of me. I am surprised tho. Maybe even like proud of myself that it is just now sneaking up on me... the insecurities that is. So often I am so insecure about...myself in general. It is only recently that I am realizing that my insecurities are coming back. When i'm with him.. I get so weird about how I look..and how I act. It's weird. But.. I think its just that time of the relationship. You know when things are starting to settle. And you are past the parts of can't getting enough of each other and all the new explorations of each other. We know each other now.. so its like.. well..what happens next? He seems to be paranoid sometimes ...and I think that it is the fact that he thinks that I could be cheating! How crazy is that? I can't even believe I'm talking like this... me.. in a relationship..with my bf thinking i'm cheating....craazzy. Well, little does he know that I have turned down every single horny ass guy that has come my way. I'm more dedicated that I thought I would be. Its funny that he would be thinking that i'm cheating anyways. He's the one who has all those damned girlfriends and fuck buddies...all these previous girls who are way prettier...wayyy well off...and fuck... he sees women all the time.. I hang out with gay guys...how the hell could I anyways? Okay the rambling will stop....for now atleast.


Nighty

Ready... Set....And Don't Look Back


I'm like on top of the world. In some ways its quite ironic since I am unhappy and discouraged by so many things. But even with what is hitting me now, I know that I can be unstoppable. I can be what I want to be, because I have the potential to be what I see in my mind's eye.

Today, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I wanna talk about my weight. I feel like it has been an ongoing battle between me, myself, and I for since I can remember. I cannot recall a day when I was happy with my weight. And now it is flying high, possibly the heaviest I have ever been before.

I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to have a full turn-around. More than likely, I could possibly never see 40. I want to be able to say, I want to do this....and it happen right now. Get me?

I'm tired of being unhappy with myself. Especially when I'm on top of the world...lol. And I know that this battle IS something that I can overcome. No more pep talks or late night readings of Shape or Fitness magazine. No more last days of junk food eating. From now here on in, Its set. Today is the day that I begin. Not tomorrow. I am ready to finally push myself into success.

Lets do it.

I am Mad....


And can't really do shit about it. So anyways, since I can't find anyone at freakin 9 in the morning to talk to... I've gotta turn to my good ol' blogger buddy for this one. So I spent like..maybe six hours on the phone with BG last night. Ridiculous I know, but..thats just how much I missed him..lol. Anyways, you know how when you talk on the phone for hours, and there'll be like a few moments of nothingness, and then there will be like long moments of conversation or debate. Well during our ...maybe 3rd time of debate... we started talking about his past life and how he was..blah blah blah... basically he was a cold-ass nigga who didn't care much about women except fucking them. And then he had the cocky ass nerve to say.. that if he had met me just a few months earlier... it wouldn't have been much of a relationship... more like a fucking session and then it would be over. Now you know I was pissed...and I said some shit like "that wouldn't be possible... you wouldn't have gotten any sex from me." And I wish I could explain why.. but...

Here's the deal.. this is where the situation gets REAL JJJJUicy...listen close blogger... This boy met me a year ago last August and discovered that I was a virgin. And then when we started chillin again this summer... he automatically assumed that I was STILL a virgin. His fault! Never did he ask me if I had hooked up with anyone. And I never really felt like it was necessary to offer him that information. Now..if you see that as wrong.. I don't really care cause shit...Im not walking around just spitting out my ish to anyone. So.. he didn't ask...and so he never knew that I had already had sex before this summer.

So the bitch thinks that he took my virginity. And he's on the other side of the phone laughing saying how easy it would be for him to mack to be and get the pum pum...and then drop it. And he was saying shit like... "Hey, what if I just came out right now and said that all of this was a game, the whole relationship was a game..and now that I've got what I wanted... I am gonna drop you right now?" Can you guess...how I was at that moment? FLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!
And I was surely about to spill the beans.. but I decided to just get a little stern and just say... "You think you would've gotten the best of me... but you know little."

Now, I'm still mad at the conversation. But to be honest the whole idea of it is already dropped. But I'm just heated that this boy would come out of his face and say some shit like that to me. I'm lucky that I did already have sex with someone else..and part of me is happy that I decided to do that before fucking with BG. I'm a New Yorker.. I know how the game is played. What if I was a fucking virgin? Then that conversation would have had me in fucking tears.. nah mean? Thats why we NY girls keep shit straight. Thats why I made sure that I shared my first time with someone who I know would never do shit like that to me. And I can hold onto my own dignity and pride knowing that BG could never get the best of me in this situation. As cold-hearted as this may seem....I am beginning to fall in love with BG... but if he EVER pulled that shit....I would have to knock his balls out of the park by letting him know that he didn't take nothing from me....and he never could. I don't like to play fucking games... but if it came down to it.. THATS HOW MY FUCKING GAME IS PLAYYED.

But to get out of my random anger spout, I hate carrying around this secret from him. I don't know how to tell him. And I don't know if I should. And I don't know if I want to. If he wants to automatically assume this...then.. what the hell am I to do?

I don't know...So i'm mad for the moment... but it wont last long cause I really do fucking like the fucking boy a lot. Just keeping it real you know?

enough for now.

I'm Bringing SEXY BACK...


So, its been a minute since I vomited my ideas and thoughts, and pure complaints onto my favorite online diary. So many things happening and so many things going on .... somethings would leave me stressed out.. completely un-end, but I've got to thank God for bringing BG in my life, for he is the only one who keeps me from losing it all. I'm afraid that he might be an actual distraction from my harsh reality, but for now... we'll just thank God for our new found happiness and deal with that evolving ish on another night. lol.

So lets talk about sex BABY. Lets talk about how I can officially define myself as sexually active. How crazy is that? Just six months ago... Never would I think that I would be experiencing the....ahem...joy of sex that I have been. Lets Talk about Sex... Its crazy. I mean.. I guess I can get a little open with it..after all this is my diary... anywayz...soooo lets talk about sex and how it can allow you to let yourself go in the most unexpected way. How it can almost allow you to find some different parts of yourself that you never knew existed. Now i'm not just talking about the groans and moans and the....utters of screams at times.... though these times are included as well, but i'm just talking about the openness. I mean, I honestly am a different person when I have sex. No longer do I care how big my belly is bulging out, or how thick my thighs are...or anything... in fact, every part of my body becomes the most sexy part that I have ever had. I love sex because it has allowed me to see myself..and say.. "hey..what I have is good." Lets talk about sex... because too often it is talked about on the hush hush amongst families. And then when it is brought up in society.. it is used and abused, it is scrutinized, and it is no longer seen as the gift from God....And what a freakin gift it is! Lets talk about sex...and how much I love getting it in all different ways and how i'm not afraid to admit it. Not because i'm a hoe, but because I deserve to get it when I want it and how I want it. And...I happen to want it in every way possible. Lets talk about sex and how it can be so exciting when you are absolutely sharing it with someone special....

I never thought... I never saw me... as the person who would get stuck on anyone. And I mean.. stuck. I've always liked to think of myself as... independent. Don't need men...cause they don't do me no good. But..shit.. if its not the sex thats turning me out.. its just the plain and simple genuine company that I'm getting from my new found boyfriend. I've been with him for such a short time, but already I am experiencing the way that I've always dreamed that I would be treated if I was in a relationship. He honestly treats me well...not because he follows any rules in the fucking Rule Book of Relationship Conduct. But because he really cares for me, every move he makes seems to be of my best interest. And I mean how great is that? I find myself still building those obstacle walls....so worried about how this relationship is going to end...But i'm going to fight myself from this. I just want to enjoy it NOW. And worry about tomorrow when it gets here. I'm just so in awe about how things are going... Its just...well.. too good to be true. We are friends first you see....his company is enough. And the sex..is just the bonus addition! I always thought that my first love, JQ was the only one who seemed to care and love me the way that I deserved. But i'm finding in this relationship that there are other ways to go about this. And I'm slowly learning about what I want in a relationship and what I don't. I'm finding that I can call the shots. And get what I want... and within the same way....I'm giving as well. Its funny cause I've always thought of myself as independent without a guy in my life.. but when I'm with BG, I've found even more independence. How crazy is that? With such little short time to have..I've been afraid to say it. But, now I know for sure that I am in love. I don't know what kind of love it is.. but its gotta be love.

Its even funnier how..my late night sex talk has changed into another love entry....welllll...Thats how it should be anyway. Sex and Love.... together again. Night night.

Another Late Night Rejuvenation...

You know I forgot what came with the trials and tribulations in a relationship. Its been so long. And even then, I wasn't sure about ....anything. So, in its own way, I am still seeing myself as an amateur at this. I just wish that I could say that this time is going to be great. I wish I could say that I know that me and him are headed for love, and that I have found someone whom I know is the right one for me. But to be truthful, I'm more than scared to even think these things. I mean, they could be possible. But more than anything I'm afraid to claim him because I don't know how much of him he wants me to claim. ...Ok..I just don't know if I have the confidence to handle this. I feel like our relationship is on sticks and stones...Sometimes I feel like i'm treading on broken glass... because I really don't know if he really likes me...that much, you know?

Everyday he calls me, I am reassured......but just for that day. If I don't hear from him one day...its enough to make me think that...maybe..just maybe...I'm not that much on his mind. You know? I just wish that when I head into a relationship...I could throw all the bullshit away. All the insecurities that I'm not pretty enough, NOT skinny enough, not confident enough to have a man, and know that he wants me just as much. Maybe if I had a contract, a 100% guarantee that if he will be my man, He's gonna call me everyday. He's going to tell me how much he misses me, atleast 4 times a week, he's gonna hang out with me, or visit me atleast 2-3 times a week. And he will show proof of his faithfulness through physical evidence..like maybe his friends would report to me, or some undercover chick...would keep report of how many women he comes into contact with...how many times they have made a pass at him, and how many times he hinted that he might be interested himself. ....HOW CRAZY WOULD THAT BE? I bet that I would enjoy it greatly for a long time. I would know that he is faithful to me. I would know that he wants to be with me. And I would know that he's NOT cheating! But eventually, i'm sure....it would not work. Because things that sound that perfect..never really work that well. Firstly, it would be mechanical...I want to be surprised by his outbursts of "I miss you" and "When Can I see you again?". Not to mention, that all of those actions in a contract...are supposed to be voluntary... thats what makes it special. You don't have to make him do anything..he just does it automatically. A Contract would be perfect...but then the relationship loses its spontaneity and even its risk. And i'm sure that thats what makes relationships so wonderful...because they are spontaneous, they are fun, they are loving, and they are risky. I guess I've just got to work, day by day to push my insecurities to the side..and just dive in.

But still.... I don't know where to start! (lol...silly of me to think this entry was anywhere near done. ) I'm so scared. So many things to do! So many responsibilites! i MEAN..when you head into a relationship.. you not only date the guy.. but his lifestyle. You date his job..which is currently the gap. You date his goals and dreams..which is to become a producer and recording artist. You date his friends...which is a group of rowdy ass boys who are no where near used to their boy ..."seriously dating". You date his family...who seem to be disappointing him continuously. I don't know where to start. I feel like I have so many jobs sometimes. I've got to prove to all aspects of his life that I can handle it. That I can be supportive, and that I can be useful. ....How crazy?! And I have to try to be super-beautiful and intelligent and funny and strong and sexy..all at the same time?! Jesus! I don't know... I just don't know where to begin. I don't know if I can handle this...and MY life all at the same time! What to do? Where to start?

Okay.. i'm done for now.