Bucklin' Down

Any motivation that I can get! Today i saw some great blogs and sites from fellow peers who are showing that they are off to doing big things. They are pure inspirations for me. I am so scared of graduating, but I'm also very excited.

In order to ease the nervousness...I'm trying to bring myself up. I gotta Buckle Down and see what areas in my theatre experience that need essential help. I've gotta work on everything. FULL FORCE. Dance, Acting..etc. I'm very excited and I think I can do this! I just gotta take one day at a time.

I also looked up headshots today. How difficult! I decided that paying almost a thousand dollars on headshots is NOT the best bet for such a young and inexperienced theatre artist. Its more important to get fresh new headshots that will help me to jump off my career. Now, everyone at WCC is using this Nick Gravito guy. I think he's good. But he's not fresh enough for me. Also, I want someone different. I don't want to be like everyone else. I've never been completely accepted as apart of them....so why should i start now? lol. So I did what i did best. I went through every photographer that is recommended in new york. I put all my favorite and expensive photographers to the side...so that I may be able to revist them in a few years. I asked around..and I'm getting excited for my decision. I haven't made it yet, but when I do....I'll definetly let you know.

Lose the Weight Update:
It seems that I'm off to a decent start. I've gone down a few pounds. about 4. Its important that I start being consistent with my exercise and food routine so that I can see steady results. 4 lbs is great! But 4 lbs will come back real quickly...lol. So this week, its my goal to make sure that I'm doing some sort of activity for atleast 30 min.
Also, I need to look up the stats on chocolate milk. I've found a new fondness for it. And if it is okay to drink...then I could use it as a replacement for cookie and cake desserts. We'll see!

Seeing Dee in her bathing suit tonight made me feel even more inspired to go along with my goals. Dnt I sound like the shallow one? Even so, I've wanted this for years. She looks so great in her bathing suit, I just kno that once bg and Ryan see those pics..that they are going to salivate ferociously. Even images of my boyfriend masturbating to Dee's pics pop into my head. (Yeah...this is offdashoulda..if u can't take the graphics..leave now.) I don't know why i torture myself this way. But I can just see him now.

I see him when he looks at her when he's here. She's got that tiny and tall torso. Her waist is so pretty cause its so freakin tiny! And then she's got the west indian butt..that i know bg likes. So i'm thinking to myself..although he loves me...he can't help but peek at her picks and just salivate to no man's land. It hurts...but it motivates as well. I hope:(.

I'm beginning to realize that my mind is completely whacked up. I'm realizing more and more how low my self-esteem is. ITS PRETTY LOW. But whats weird is that i have been swimming in this kinda state for so long, that I am used to it. I'm used to being like this. My mind is like a mix between a romantic comedy, an action, a porno and a horror flick all in one. Only because of the extreme that I take things in my mind. Everything gets blown up to its worst existence. And when it comes to the bf..or the bg...it becomes graphic. Maybe because if you imagine the worse...it wont be so bad if its true. But we all know the truth. I'mma be hurt either way.

I think if I just saw myself...the way that I wanna be. If I could meet HER once. I'd feel like I can accomplish anything. But she just seems so far away.

On a brighter note...
How about a little time of inspiration to avoid hitting the sack with tears in the eyes.

Nova, the acting teacher, says to write 5 things/times that I am ultimately proud of in my life... lets see.

1. I'm proud of having BG in my life. Right now, my boyfriend is what makes my world turn. Unfortunately, its probably the unsafest thing for me to devote my all in my boyfriend...buts its quite difficult to fight the urge.
2. I'm proud of my theater accomplishments. Although I can only think of one show of the many that i have done that I absolutely felt the best at. I imagine that my experiences in theatre will either do one of the two things...Get better...or Go downhill. We all know which I'd prefer. But if the latter is my fate, I have all of my cherishable moments on stage. I freakin love the stage. Its where I live, its where I belong. It's the only home I know.
3. Grandpa Passing. When my grandfather past it was the hardest thing for me. But I learned so much from his life that I keep with me always. He loved and worked hard...his whole life. And the memory of him..will stay in my heart...always.
4. Spending the Holidays with my entire family. I don't like them sometimes. But most of the time, they are generally my favorite people.
5. Receiving the SGA award in my sophomore year. It was a hard year. And although everyone hated me...that plaque proves that I busted my ass for them. So fuck them All. I got the fuckin award.

..Alright welll I was hoping that was going to be somehow rewarding. It was only halfway. But it'll do...No wait..here's an idea.....

The 5 Top things I'd like to Accomplish in my life.

#1. Being at 122 on my 22nd Birthday which happens to be on April 22nd. How sweet would it be to reward myself by being 122 @ 22 on 4/22? I would be so happy. Its a far stretch...but if I make this one...I'll wear bathing suits for a week. Just for fuckin fun.
#2. Buying my Parents a house...WHEREVER
#3. Travel around the world..safely
#4. By GOD!..Be on the Broadway stage
#5. Get Married

No where to go...

Being apart of The Music Man is quite difficult. It is a very humbling and yet terribly frustrating experience to be in the ensemble. I must say this is one of the worst musical experiences thus far in my musical career. So bad.. that i am actually contemplating on whether I can really do this in REAL LIFE...? Its just so hard. iTS SO HARD TO STICK OUT. And its hard to give 100% when you know that no one is watching.

I don't know if I'm in the right place anymore. I just feel like this is something I want to do...but I am truly physically, mentally, and emotionally..unable to do it. And I've always felt this way. And now..its just as if this year is a confirmation. I wanna cry. But I can't cause I gotta do the theory homework that i've been procrastinating for the past week. Woof. I'm doomed.

Uhmmm.....Lets be friends again.

Lets see. Today I feel better because i talked to bg and now we are back to being happy.....for now. Ha. Today I didn't do much. I mainly feel bad about what I ate today. Not only did I not go to the gym, but I had fries for lunch, pizza for dinner, a steak hoagie for evening, and a snickers ice cream for late late night. Woof. I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize. Losing that 20 lbs is not going to be easy. But I just gotta buckle down. Be strong right? Tomorrow I will start gymning. I am hoping to get my exercise videos back by monday so that I can start doing them in my room..I think that will definetly help the most. Until then..i'll do the gym thing and hope for the best.

Today I feel happy because although I didn't do anything progressive as far as my weight loss..I did do other things that made me happy:) I finally washed my hair after about 3 weeks. Yuck. I'll try to keep it up from now on. I also looked up auditions for theatre and looked up headshots. I ended up finding someone I really like, but she costs $950! I really want to work with her though. I'm thinking...these headshots should last me for atleast 4-5 years. Since i'm coming out into the theatre world, I wanna come full force you know? If I do these headshots, I definetly have to be 20lbs lighter. I want to do this right.

I'm so scared to grow up. I just look at myself compared to the other majors and im just not sure if i'm cut out for it. If only it were easier and I could just land a job in the theatre. I would be ecstatic and happy forever. But it just doesn't get that easy. So I guess I gotta just keep my hopes up and do what I gotta do! Until next time......I'm really liking this everyday blogging thing. It feels good to get the little shit offdashoulda..nah mean?

My List.


I could write a "What do I want in a guy" List like everyone else. But i've found a more simplier answer to this that sums it up in a more ME way.

So, what do I want in a guy?

I want someone who will FIGHT for ME. And if you don't understand what that means, then you are obviously not the ONE.

Corto....Talking on the phone

So today i read a few blogs and read over mine as well. And i'm realizing that i need to start writing to myself everyday. Even if its just a short one. Getting things off da shoulda...on a regular basis maybe very helpful for me as a theatre artist, as an RA, as a Friend, as a daughter, as...still hopefully...a gf.

The last words I heard spoken on the phone to me last night was, "I don't want to talk to you."

And I said, "But I really want to talk to you. If you don't want to talk to me, then we could just end it."

And he said, "I don't want to do all that. You are such a baby you always have to get what you want. And I don't want to deal with someone like that. I don't want to talk to you!!!"

I'm so surprised at the fact that I didn't hang up the phone and start balling my eyes out.

So the situation these days is that I am just so lonely.

And you see when u have your boyfriend around you, you are just so happy because he makes you feel so special. But then when he is 8 hours away, and everytime you get a chance to talk to him, he is distracted, you start to get real lonely...and you start to feel really unspecial. So last night, I hung up on him. Maybe it wasn't the best thing to do, but I was upset. And he got upset and told me..well you know.

So i'm sad. Cause I don't want to be at fault. Although I was at fault for hanging up, I don't feel that demanding a little attention when you are so far away is too much. I definetly wouldnt demand it if I didn't do it myself. And with the thick schedule that I have, I still stop everything I'm doing just to talk to him. He calls me a baby. And says I can't get everything I want. Maybe he's right. I feel he's wrong. But maybe I'm just demanding too much from him.

In any case, I'm the one who is sad.

5 min solution...

Today in class we talked about Shakespeare and how his stories are such great representations of love. Women desire love because they desire stablity. We, women want men to profess their undying love. We want to be theirs. We want to be only theirs. And its funny how this works only to our disadvantage. The professor asked, why is it that we find ourselves in such horrible predicaments when we are in love? Constantly there are two parties that are constantly battling. Whether it be the two people in love, or their families..or their in-laws...etc. There is only conflict. Why is this? The class continued to spit out very intellectual answers, as I...remaining quiet for the entire class..due to my own insecurities on my knowledge of the text.........as I watch my own mind search for the reason. I amazed myself. As I was witness to how my mind went through idea after idea...searching for the best solution that i could think of. And just when the teacher was ending the convo...It hit me. It hit me like a fucking tree trunk..right across the right side of my head. Why is it that my mother desires me to stay with her when she knows that i love her, but i would never survive living with her? My mother is the only stable example in my life of true love. And yet, she will not budge when it comes to me living with her...she INSISTS! So then, if I could grow from my only example in my life to anything higher...what would be?

Any Black person can chime in right about now...it would be God. God is the Ultimate example of stability and love. He WILL NOT budge from his love. In fact, God Is LOVE. God = Love. Remember this. And often I have forgotten this. ALONG WITH HIS LOVE.. it is stated himself that HE is a jealous God. He does not want any of us to stray from him. Much like how my mother does not want me to stray from her. And THIS...is called possession. And THAT is Selfish. And Love is Selfish.

Selfishness has always been a sign of negativity to me. But wouldn't it be funny if I realized that selfishness comes out of something that is positive like Love. Or is love positive? To me yes it is. And yes i am selfish in my love. I want my friends to be with me and care for only me. I want them to be mine. I want my mother to listen to me and only me. I want my boyfriend to do what i want him to. And this selfishness is not derived from anything negative...it is derived from my care for them. I care about them. And my love...gives me possession of them and thus...I am selfish with them.

I have 5 minutes. 5 easy minutes to make a decision about my current relationship. He is doing something that I do not LIKE. And yet he refuses to stop. I love him. But i cannot see myself going on with this unless something has changed. And he says that if I feel this way, then it should end now. Why wait till later? And waste time? Right? I guess.
I don't want to live in denial in this relationship. Its been a few times that we have come to this issue if whether we should stay together..and now it is an issue that i cannot seem to get over. But why?

Because I am jealous of the fact that he has something else to avert his attention. I am upset at the fact that this is something that can harm him. And I am afraid of his future...if this is something that grows to be even more harmful....I would hate to hear him cry his regrets. I would hate it. Because I knew...from a long time ago...that he should've stopped. Everyone seems to belittle this issue as if its nothing. But if you can prevent something harmful from happening to someone you love....Wouldn't u?

5 minutes to decide if I can live with this. I want to stay with him..but I feel as if he's cheating on me with something else. So why do i feel that? When a man cheats on you with a woman...why are we upset? Lets seee....we are upset because we FEAR that we are unattractive to him. Right? We are upset because we want him to only want us...and we THOUGHT we had this power...and he has stripped us of it. He has said.."No...there is something better than u. I don't always need you." And THAT shit hurts. He has left us to be insecure creatures who are always questioning ourselves and what we are. When a man cheats...he is sharing what you two have seen as the ultimate intimacy with someone else. And along with that...he has endangered your mental, emotional, and especially physical health.

Can a guy cheat with something else besides a woman? I guess a man in our days..but i mean to be serious right now. Can my boyfriend cheat on me with his weed? I got 2 minutes.....

When he smokes I am upset. I am upset that he is harming himself. Even more I find that his smoking is apart of what he was before me. What he was before me...is still him now. And this is where the real problem lies. Cuz what he was before..is nothing that I am interested in being apart of. And I want him to start a new with me. I feel that his smoking is like cheating, because if things are rough he will result to the smoking before he comes to me. I want to be his everything. Because I love him, and I'm selfish for it. But I have to realize that I can't change him.

Women who get beaten everyday...claim they love. Am I falling into a trap in which one day...I will realize that I am an idiot? Am I just scared of what will end up happening to me if I stay with him?

If I can't change him. What can I do? I could Leave. THATS WHAT I SHOULD DO. I NEED TO LEAVE. I NEED TO LET GO. I REALLY NEED TO LET GO. IT WOULD HURT SO MUCH TO LET IT GO. How can I be happy with it? It just seems impossible. It feels as if I would just be waiting out the time for it to pass. Because he is not going to budge. Can I say to myself...i'll deal with it now... and hope to be better with him later. Can I live with knowing that later may never be better? Can I stay with that? I can't. I just can't. Cause I would be unhappy....eventually. I can't.................

1 minute...

Love is cruel thing. It hurts more than it pleases. Why should I stop the tradition now? If I walk away....I feel I will be playing it safe. Now, Its not about the fact that I am upset with his smoking...its about whether I can Love harder. Even despite the risk of what it could mean later. Love is so many things...and there is no reason to hide or make excuses for being scared. It is definetly better to have loved than not loved at all...and its even better to fall for love...instead of staying on solid ground.
Love is selfish. Love is jealousy. Love is sweet. Love is warm.
Love is Risk. Love is Strong.

The Trials and Tribulations of a new Relationship. Ch. 1


Where do I begin? Funny, cause i already have a feeling on how I will end. Better yet, I have a feeling on how IT will end. So I know the ending, but the beginning is so far fetched. What am I talking about? I'm talking about this damned thing we call love. Yes, I have fallen under the trap of it. ME...a 21-year old, just turned non-virgin, with quite a jerk for a boyfriend..except when he's with me. It feels like everyone is looking in on this relationship and thinking the same thing that i fear. This nigga is gonna ruin her life. Eventually, he will find some other chick to fuck around with, and it'll be ova. Just that simple. Why do we see this? Cause every man imaginable has committed the same crimes; From my best friends' boyfriends to my own damned father. All of which are good examples of men who seem to be the ones to trust and yet they have failed. And now I, a youngin to the game of LOVE is now pulling her guard down to a Cocky-Cutie, who loves to play video games, watch basketball and football, have sex with many chicas, and smoke weed on the side. He is Not at all a God-fearing man, who condemns sex before marriage, and the abuse of drugs and alcohol.

Hot Damn. It sure as hell seems as if I'm doomed for failure. I mean, he doesn't even match up to what a "decent" idea of an available and willing boyfriend would be. And I'm almost certain that if we were just friends...I probably wouldn't be able to stand him, with the way he talks about girls like they are merely a conquest...sex vixens...and not at all human beings or friends that he could simply chill with. And yet, I have fallen. Deeply. So deeply that I'm so afraid of the end. Where do I begin is not at all important anymore. How it will end?..has taken its position in my head. And I'm scared. I'm so scared. And ..the funny thing is... I don't really think that I'm so scared for getting my heart broken. I mean, DAMN its gonna hurt badly. But I'm more scared about losing him and him losing me. Cause I FEEL that I am the best thing for him. Not because of anything that I may possess..like money or cars or anything like that. I know i'm the best for him because I care about him sooo much. And I love him so much, that I would do anything to see him happy. I'm afraid of the end, because I'm afraid of where he'll RETURN to if we end.

Sometimes I think of him like my favorite doggy Petey. Another funny, comparing my boyfriend to a dog! Well, when I was growing up, Petey was so bad with the outside world. Any strangers that would come to the door, immediately infuriated him! He would bark so ferociously and scratch at the window, and the door. I swear it felt that if i would let him go, he would try to kill any and every one. It was bad. But Petey wasn't ever that way with me. Sometimes we would get into our little fights, and he may growl or run away from me. But besides that, he was always loving. He would lie on my lap whenever I was watching tv. And when I had hard times at school, I would sit there....and rub his head....and I'd talk to him. Like he was my therapist or something! I would tell him about EVERYTHING, and complain about all the pretty girls, and the mean boys and how I wish I was one of the pretty girls who the mean boys liked. And as we all know, he was a dog...and he didn't care. He just liked being there because i rubbed his head. And he liked following me around because he knew that I was the one who took care of him. I fed him, walked him, and played with him. And he showed his affection and thanks to me...every single day. The way he was to me was the COMPLETE opposite of how he acted towards the strangers who came to the house.

In a small way, I find that my boyfriend is sort of like him. Only difference is is that he genuinely wants to hear what I say, he goes out of his way to make me happy. He has proven that he'll stick around for me when times are hard. And he tells me all the time how much he misses and Loves me. SO WEIRD! Cause before me...and to the outside world..he is not the same. Weird huh? So yeah, he is what I mentioned before, from the jerkiness to the smoking. BUT, he is only like that on the outside. To me, he is much different. And I feel so appreciated and loved by him. And its not like he has two faces, he just treats me differently. Its quite beautiful.

But still, insecurities arise. I am still afraid of losing him to someone or something else. And I fear the end and how badly it will turn out. All I know is that I love him, and I'll try to either ignore the future, or imagine it to be something a little more happier.

A new revelation...

I'm trying to see my future...but at this point it is just way too cloudy to see anything promising. I'm hoping to revive my spirit this year. Thats the only resolution that makes any sort of sense for me. What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? I always wanted these questions to come out of sweet anticipation and excitement for beginning a new part of my life. But right now, its simply out of frustration and helplessness. I know what I want to do. But the question lies if i DARE to do it. Despite everything against me.....can i do it? I know i want to...but is it really possible? (Closes her eyes and breathes) I know I can finish school. I know I can graduate on time. And I know that i can find a place...I know I can lose the weight...I know I can land a theatre job. I know I can blow them out of the park. I know I can be THE BEST. I can see myself doing it. I dream it everyday.

But can I do it with a baby?