She'sss BAAAAAACK

I'm ready to do it again. I've been moping around complaining about what I want and what i haven't got. And I am sooo unaware of my capabillities. I want to do theater! I want to do it so badly. And I want to be so good at it.

Funny realization..I guess i've always flocked to what I do best. And what I do best is what I have always chosen to do..because I do it best. So i'm lucky to have been able to be really good at what I love to do. But, i'm getting older..entering the world and realizing that i'm not the only one good at it. And I've become scared of not myself, but of everyone else. Completely losing sight that this is what I want. Now, I think its all about focus. I just need to remind myself of why I love it. And GO FOR IT!
Its what i've been dreaming to do. And I can do it so well.

So i have to work harder. So what? Everyone is kicking their ass, and i think I felt that I could get a free ride by natural talent and empathy. Well its definetly obvious that the world works against empathy. Its what looks good, its what sounds good, its what moves you. And so many people can do it. So i've got to STEP UP. And thats pretty much it.

She's Back. Fo Sho

Homesick Blues...

Today is a Blue Day. I don't know where to start. When you lose someone in your life, it is a simple awakening. You start to look at your life. You question your actions, your thoughts, your goals...

I just feel so lost.

Actually, I think I am actually scared. I think this is it. Life is so scary. Its fast moving, constantly going, you've got to be always on your grind. People come into your life and hurt you, People leave you, People Love and then leave you, Careers are competitive, Money is rare, and if you're not on top of it all...You lose. After Joey's death, I look at a guy who had life figured out. He made his moves and was on his way. No questions. No fear. It almost makes me wonder why the hell am I still here?

I feel like the weakest link. Always attempting..Always trying. Never succeeding. I just wish that I could take control of my life. But instead, I have realized that I just walk around these days scared. Scared of losing him. Scared of not succeeding at what I want to do. Scared of Living. and at the same time..scared of Dying.

And I wonder how did I come to this? And all I want to do is just fix it. But I can't. I just don't know how. Its sooo many things. So many things I want to fix. Everything has a great importance. Everything is at top priority. Everything is giving me only one chance, and if I slip. I'm out.

How do people do it everyday? How do they get up in the morning, and take showers, and make themselves up?
How do they compete in their careers, knowing that there are thousands and millions who are going after the same exact thing?
How do they stay sane in their relationships? Not worrying if you're doing the right thing, and if your partner will stay with you?
How do people live?

I wish I knew the secret to living.

Spring Breaak.

While I did not go off to a far and wonderful warm, hot, sexy beach like Miami or Cancun, I did find myself in a handful of events during my last break as a student. Spring Break. A time for people to wile out and lose control. I decided to bring myself upstate to Oneonta..SUNY Oneonta, and visit my friend and boyfriend. Boy...I dunno.

Maybe a handful of events is just too belittling to such a week.
I wish that sometimes I didn't live in regret. I also wish that I could just change people's attitudes with the snap of my finger, I wish that I could have it all, it all..includes money, and I wish that everyone in the world lived forever...except the rapists and killers of course. This week was one hell of a riot...going back and forth trying to figure out of my friend is pissy mad at me. With her fluctuating attitudes, Im still not even sure! And when you're best friend is mad, you just seem to wonder if it makes sense to bother even try to make friends anymore. Nah mean? This girl is mad at me for something. I don't know what. And she wont say what. I think it could be the inclusion of the bf, but I just wish that maybe she could be happy for me. I don't know. It just never works to try to mix your bestf and your boyf in your fun affairs, especially if they are good friends and will most likely cause a lot of anguish for you when you are present, but get along just fine when you are gone. I wish I could eat my cake and have it too. I wish I could have both to be happy with. But maybe i'm wrong and I just have to face the fact! ughh jee goshh.
And then the constant bickering between me and my hublove is a given in any circumstance. I guess I have to admit that I do ask a lot. But goshh.. i just want to have him forever...and no one will let me:(. So these week went with tons of drinking and drunking, lots of laser tag fun, some of the most passionate sexual experiences that I ever had, and the pain in my heart that my bf was mad at me after fighting just when I left. I'm an emotional rollercoaster. Maybe I should be committed.

So uh...No COunselor

Since i can't meet with my counselor. I guess i'll just write whats on my mind today. So, after much thought over the past 2 weeks, I have officially decided to END my theater career. Okay, maybe i'm being dramatic. Ending is so final, and I'm not sure if once I get out there if I'll want to start it again. So, i'm taking a step away from theater. I'm just finding that its not for me anymore, and my passion is slowly deteriorating. Now, this may be for several reasons, one being that I'm just fed up with this school. But my intuitions are, that as much as this school kills me, its probably not too far off from the real world.
The same old issues that I face here as a Black Theater Major, will most likely be doubled when I get into the "REAL" world. And, i'm just certain that I can't handle it. I wont say i don't have the talent or the drive, but I definetly don't have the balls. Too bad. I always thought I was street saavy and shit. Better luck next time!
What I want more than anything is to have a place of my own. A steady job that gives me steady money. And a big bed to sleep in.
This is my goal right now. And i'm pretty happy with it.
I've dreaded being a quitter my whole life. I'm going to try to not be, but I just don't know.

Today I was ready to quit. But the Lord said "No." And he opened my eyes to let me see what I am capable of. My dreams are the strongest insurance that I have. So, for now...I'll keep going.