be like them...

I don't know why I keep trying to be like those that I cannot. The saddest thing is that I walk away thinking that it could be a possibility. And then its a longer fall...a harder punch..when I realize I'll never amount to them. I've gotta find a way for me to be me...Only. And then to be happy with just that...no. Not "just" that. But happy. Period.

Summer Bliss...


I wasn't excited before. Nah i definetly just saw this summer as another stress way to figure out where i'm going to stay, what the hell am i going to do, and how the hell am i going to get out of debt. Funny thing is...none of that has really changed! Nope! I'm still worried about those things... but you know there is just something about the summer that is so wonderful. Its not necessarily a time for new beginnings, but it does provide for us..a chance to let loose, to love our bodies, to take up a new habit, to discover, to find new things about ourselves and the ones we love........ahem, and the ones we hate. Yeh, summertime is good. And as long as my body is still moving and working along in this earth, i'm going to try to push myself away from depression and stress and find the good things about living. Its hard to find them..but there are some great things about living! My favorite thing is a deep breath. I know you know this..but yeh.. you are constantly breathing in and out all day long. Have you ever given yourself the opportunity to sit and just feel the breath move in and out? Go ahead try it! For you asthmatics..like myself... you'll really get a good one if you take your albuterol before it.lol. In all cases, a deep breath is a beautiful thing. The way it fills your body..in a non-caloric way..lol. The way it comes out..slow and steady...as if you are blowing out everything that has got you worried or stressed or out of your "free to be me" zone.

You know what? I just got a fab...absolutely fab idea! I want to put you and myself up to a challenge. Yeh, a sure fire way for us to make sure we get the most out of this summer..! Yeh, ok. Change..or no lets not use the word "change" , but add some important elements to our summer weeks to enjoy the summer bliss. Okay okay, imma call it...Off Da Shoulda's Summer Bliss Challenge! We can add and talk about various things like health, sex, fitness, love, etc... that will lead us to entirely healthy, beautiful, summer loving beings! You know I never managed to get successful with these diets because they required so much of me at once. So how about we allow this summer challenge to give us JUST ONE THING!..to think about every week. Okay..i'm loving this! I guess i'm not going to wait till tomorrow.. So let the challenge begin. I'm gonna be the guinea pig to this challenge.. but i encourage anyone out there to join me.

Off Da Shoulda ...Summer Bliss Challenge..(week one)

FIND YOUR BREATH!

This week...

Focus: On Taking a Deep Breath

How to use it?: As a singer, i'll tell you that the best deep breath comes from the diaphragm. Many people take a deep breath and shorten it. This is obvious because your shoulders will strain up. No! A deep breath comes from down within. Your belly will expand when you inhale, and then it will go in when you exhale.. For anyone who wants a real "OPERA SINGER DEEP BREATH"...take notice of the muscles that you use when you do #2 on the toilet. Trust me they are real easy to find once you locate them! Focus on those muscles everytime you inhale and exhale deeply!

Where to use it? Everywhere! I mean..your body is already breathing. But if you take a moment to organize your own deep breath.. you may find that you can use it in needed situations. Like before you go for that run, or before you have an exam, before you go see that cutie..

Goal: to find my breath and let it be the first step fuel for de-stress!

Challenge away! (OOOOoooo i'm liking this!)

Time on my hands...

As you can see.. i have nothing else to do for the next two weeks, but watch tv and journal. So as i was thinking and i went through my favorite talk shows of the day..first maury, then tyra...she's not too bad, and then the best of all oprah...i'm starting to realize that I need to get on the ball. I need to pull the bull by the horns and say..hey k get up and do something! Stop moping about complaining about things that u do have control of! Right?

But then I had a bowl of fruity pebbles and decided that i'd get on the ball tomorrow. lol. Laziness overcomes me again. I guess i'm just happy to finally be able to sit down..lay down..walk around and do nothing. Its been a stressful year, and i feel like i'm in the relapse section. Lol. Where I can't push myself to be better..i just need to fall back. Falling back isn't so bad I guess.. i don't know. I think i'm rambling now. Well I guess I'll start with some real goals today.

Transform Me...

UnFaItHfUl..?

Maybe I could use some guidance on this one. Not sure how I feel or where to go..Or even where to start when it comes to solving this huge problem..that i have so graciously bestowed upon myself.

So.you kno those one true loves. Those young loves that you get to experience while growing up? Your first kiss? The first person to ever say I love you..? That one person who will always have a piece of your heart, no matter where you go or what you do? Yes, well i guess in many reasons I can say that I have been blessed to be able to keep that one person in my life. Its a long story..and i'll try to spare you the ridiculous details. Lets just get straight to the point and say that I freakin kissed his best friend! Yes, I know..scandalous huh?

Now this would obviously come as a shock to most people who know me, and would ask why did I do it? Something about this almost seems justified to me. Maybe because I haven't been with anyone in a long time. Maybe because his friend made the first moves. Maybe because he has been with women in comparison to me with men, one for like 10:1. Maybe because i'm jealous. Maybe because we weren't together then. I dont kno... Like I said, its a long story...and since i'm not the one to go into details, i guess i'll just take the fall as the scandalous bitch who gets in between friends. damnn..well there's more to talk about with this situation.. but i'm just going to leave it at that. Right now, i kno that i was wrong for letting it happen, i kno that. But could that be a form of unfaithfulness? I guess that question needs the information that me and him were not talking at the time. But we are now..oh shit..this is so messed up...yuck

Damnnn

I took a trip...

I can't even think right now. My mind is just foggy. I feel like i'm in pain, but i don't kno why. Let me just write and see what comes out...lol..its not like anyone is reading anyway..its just me. Its always ended up being just me...talking to my fuckin self...lol.

I took a trip.
I went on a long ass trip this weekend..from princeton, nj to Oneonta, NY. I had $100 bucks, and nothing else. I spent about $30 bucks on gas..and drove my ass all the way up to my "best friends" college to help her pack her things and bring her back to nyc..where she lives. My drive was hesitant. With very little money, and very little energy..and very shaky directions. I made the voyage. As I drove through the sun which turned into thunderstorms at various times, my car was without a stereo. But no problem..I'll just plug in my ipod and listen the whole way. I was afraid that it was going to be a difficult trip, but the entire moment of listening to music and seeing the beautiful scenery of the northern mountains put me at a different state. I felt good. My sweet car protected me from the thunder..and allowed the trickling rain to refresh my spirit as my favorite musiq pumped through my mini headphones. When a gospel song came out, I thought of my times in church when I first started singing. When a hot reggae beat came on, I thought of walking in a club with the hottest outfit, on my hottest possible body (even if it didn't exist at the moment. lol) and the prettiest hair, and the prettiest smile, and my target..a fine ass chocolate brother took me by the eyes, and our bodies grinded with each other from a distance. Its like mental sex or something! lol. When Nas came on, I felt the overwhelming sense of the struggle of my people..wishing that I knew the words to each of songs so that I could recite them like how the older guys would do when I was a little girl watching them play basketball or getting on the train. When lil Kim's foul words came through.. I enjoyed her vulgar use of language..and I even imagined myself in that way. Talking to men like how they talk about women in their songs. And then when the sweetest soulful tunes came through, it was like a call for me to get all prissy and girly..lol. Wishing that maybe in this long car ride..there would be that cutie from brooklyn right next to me...and we could nod our heads in sync to the soft tunes of MC, Mary, Beyonce..and all those great ones. And our eyes would play with each other..and maybe even hint to each other..to pull over..and get some quick nookie on the side of Interstate 95.

c'mon! not yet over the hill...!

Why is it that I look in the mirror everyday and find that I am overweight, overstressed, overtired, and overused? I'm freakin 21 not 40! And even at 40, i'd like to think of myself as a vibrant middle aged lady who's gonna get hers in every second that is left of her life. I've come to the realization today that I'm unhappy. Not clinically depressed, or sick or any of that shit. I'm just unhappy. With all of the responsibilities, that I put on myself, I have lost my youth. And i'm freaking 21! I'm so uptight, so moody and man can I bring you down! Since when did I become this, and why doesn't anyone ever tell me? Why is it that I have to go through a damn panic attack, and lose my hair and myself, before I can realize what is happening to me?

LOL. i am finding it amusing. Just three years ago, i had energy. Yeh I got sad sometimes, I got angry sometimes, shit even short-tempered, I even got jealous, but I also got happy, I got sexy, I got ambitious. It all worked well together. And I just don't know where the balance went off. But in any case, this summer.. i'm willing to sit here, and write and ponder..lol. And analyze..and go to the gym, and read, and enjoy , and become happier. It's ridiculous that I feel so overwhelmed at my age. It's ridiculous that I feel that I can't participate in the youth, in the sex, and the fun and shit. I'm not dead yet...so what the hell is going on?

Off da chest...

So summer is here! No kidding. And i'm feeling really good right now, not because i'm on a new diet plan, not because i'm getting off campus, not even because of any new guy in my life..nah. It just feels good. I look back at this year, and I see tons of mistakes that I made. Yeah, I talked about people behind their backs..but only cause they started the shit. Yeah I've made a few mistakes..but who hasn't? And since when was it important that K makes herself suffer for all of her mistakes..when bitches make mistakes left and right and still push my guilt on me? Yeah, I fess up to what I did wrong. And thats it. More than anything else, i'm going to live in the accomplishments..like passing fucking theory! And getting Outstanding Service Awards..! I may have swayed off the wrong track..but I got back on, and I can honestly say that everything that I did this year, from Resident Assistant to President of the Black and Hispanic Alliance, I did it because I had the best intentions. I did it out of love for my people..and for my skool.(even). So mistakes come and go, and i'm just going to leave it at that. I'm not going to regret a thing, because I needed to see what it was that I did wrong..so I can learn from myself..unlike many around here who just walk around like their shit is golden. I just pray that one day they'll realize that their shit is just as brown and mushy as the rest of ours! Wha wha!