THERAPY "When you can't afford a Shrinkkkk"

I couldn't help but feel that a new found friend blogger was speaking straight to me. Even if it wasn't the case, its as if God led me to find someone who would put some important things in perspective. And so...today the list continues.....in possibly a more positive light?..well maybe for today.

21. Getting Over you...By Getting Over Myself.
22. Conclusions...aren't the best way for me to live by. They are usually false.
23. Dramatizing...allows me to wallow in disbelief of my circumstances. And its okay to allow yourself to just have your slump...all you want. But its time to give myself a time limit.
24. Rules...makes you feel like you are in control. I can only be in control of my OWN choices.....(snaps her fingers) darn it!
25. I'd like to think that I don't put Labels on people. But I do...its the only way to make myself feel like i am in CONTROL...again. Cause I know what to expect. But..you don't know what to expect...so its just time to let it go.
26. Nobody likes an anal ass. So i have to realize that nothing in life is perfect. "It is what it is"
27. Instincts and emotions are what i'm not sure if I've been able to distinguish yet. Sometimes i mistake the two for the same. Becareful...
28. Its always "easier" to see the negative side of things. I've always allowed it to...ahem..again make me feel like I am in control. Because you think that if you expect the negative..you won't get thrown off your feet....wrong. You STILL will. so..."positive" thinking? Yes?
29. I'm not a toy to be played with. And until I can learn to conduct myself in a way to send that message...i need not deal with anymore relationships
30. I'm cute though...and he's dumb for losing that. lol

THERAPY - "Giving props to who deserves it most."

11. If you want to comfort Nikki. Comfort her all you want. Leave me alone.
12. I am nothing like Nikki. Don't ever compare me to another girl dopehead.
13. You are supposed to be with the baddest chick, not tell your gf about when you met the baddest chick ever. God I hate u right now.
14. Cheating does not constitute to just having sex with another girl..its kissing, its mental, its way more than your empty head could ever grasp.
15. You are not the baddest dude in the world. Even if your brain is delusional and tells you otherwise.
16. There's a reason why you and your friends can only gawk from afar and are never able to get the girls...
17. Who is the worst friend? The one who stays away from them when they are in conflict (me) or the one who smiles in their faces..and then trash talks them behind their back (ahem..u nigga)
18. Weedheads are not attractive. Get it together.
19. Hot and Drunk Girls..will give you the clap. So enjoy them all you want.
20. Trust comes with time. Not with King magazines.

Wow...thaaat felt really good. More to come..!

THERAPY - "I'm not playing with you anymore"

Taking the ways of Suezette..I'm going to create my own 50 things list.

50 Thoughts that could help me move on from u...

1. Treating me like a little girl is not cool...talk to your little cousin like that not me.
2. Driving your friends around was never a cool deal. Especially when they don't like me.
3. Giving you money was a loan...
4. Why should i have gone to your friends performances and they never came to any of mine?
5. Why can't you talk to me longer? I'm not asking for your soul
6. Yes I know that all men look at other women. But isn't it the boyfriend thing to do to be more apologetic about it..then telling me to accept it? Ahole
7.Inquiring about why you are in some other girls bedroom is not nagging, its inquiring.
8. Allowing me to cry on my bday should be an utter no no.
9. Telling me that i'm better off with some preppy boy..really does let me see what you think of me.
10. Telling your girlfriend to go to the gym is never a good move.

More to come...for my therapy

The Aftermaths of Separation

So as it stands as a done deal of not being together. I am definetly in one of the most vulnerable states that I've ever thought I'd find myself in. ...I just can't function.

I've been reading my girl's "InMyShoez" old entries during her break-up. But I just can't seem to find the right way of learning how to deal. Nothing feels the same to me anymore.

I remember walking to my friend's house on Friday and all these old and familiar feelings came back to me. Before being in this relationship...I was very sure of myself. I was sure that I wouldn't ever find someone in this day...who could love me for me. I was sure that I was unattractive....and I was sure to be alone.

And for this mere one year....all of those feelings went away.
And even when we did break-up, I was hoping that I would come out of it a different person...with different feelings. But instead, they are the same ones. The same ones that used to put me in my own little hole and separate me from the happy people in the world.

During the weekend, I basically just had the most burning eyes. I couldn't stop crying. Everything reminds me of him. The movies on the TV, the block I live on, driving in my car, the bed sheets.....everything. I just can't escape. I can't find a way to move on.

Every so often, I find a small distraction, like reading a book, or even going out with friends. But they are mere distractions that leave me even more upset afterwards.

I find myself lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about him lying next to me, or holding me. I sit with my legs slightly open, and I remember him. And I don't think of the feelings of sex...but just his touch, how he held his hand under my head, how his lips felt on my forehead, how smooth his skin felt. It just all makes me more upset. And I just start to cry...cause I know the possibility of me never feeling it again....or of someone else getting what I feel is rightfully mine. It hurts.

And I've spent the most time with the friend that I was fairly distant from in this relationship. And as much as it is nice to have my friend back, I wonder if it was solely my fault that we didn't hang out. I feel like she idolizes other girls and how they handle other relationships, but she tells me that I shouldn't be with him. She says how she has witnessed other guys and how much they are infatuated with their girls, but she has never witnessed the love that he had for me. Has she really never witnessed it? And if she did, why does she choose to not tell me those things, instead of that I should not bother to be with him. I feel like my trust with her is fading. I feel like if he came back into my life...that she would be distant again. And I feel that she enjoys the fact that I'm not with him, that she may even take pleasure in seeing me upset over him. And whether these feelings are wrong or right, they are making me resent my time with her. Almost to the point that I just don't want her around.

Whts going on with me? What is happening to me? Am I ever going to feel full again? Am I ever going to feel normal? Wanted? nearly happy?

I feel stuck without him. And it saddens my heart. But even more I'm scared for the future.

Sickling...

Dealing with Life...I never knew it would be this hard...ygh..ughlol.

So..a little update after the rant...

I've been living in this godforsaken city and its utterly killing me.
But what has been the bigger issue is learning how to cope with change..i guess.
I've been looking through my entries..and as you can see the biggest concern has been my relationship. It has been probing me for the past year as far as how i've been handling things. Its been soooo hard for me...learning how do deal in a real relationship..im still not sure if i'm ready for it.

We been together for over a year and have had major fights and break-ups. Our most recent break-up has really allowed me to see how I need to start handling things if I do want to survive. Period. And its not even the conclusion of how I need to start handling things in order to preserve a relationship..but in order to save and preserve my own self.

I realize that I am possibly at an unhealthy state of attachment Where all my moves and decisions are based on this relationship...Possibly that is all and well for someone that I am coming home to every night...someone that I am married to...but this is not the case.
Even more, I am forgetting about my needs for more than survival but for living. I am forgetting about my goals and what I want to achieve in life. And the biggest and bottom line is...is that I must continue to live in this relationship with the cost of losing him. I will not give up what I love to do....because i'm afraid to lose him. I will not avoid spending the right time on myself..the right attention for myself.....and the money for myself...because i'm afraid to lose him. Yes, I have witnessed for myself that losing him would be tormenting. But the question is...can I survive if I did lose him? Can i learn to eventually find contentment in my life if I did lose him...and I do believe that my answer for the last 6 months and even now...would be no.

I wouldn't know how to live without him. And I try to say to myself..that I've been doing it for 20 years..before him....what happened? I don't know....but I've got to get myself back. I've got to. I've got to know that I can be strong for myself. And I've got to find the confidence within myself to say....If he doesn't like me doing this...or doesn't like this about me...or if he is going to cheat on me because of this...then to hell with him...and i'll find a better life without him. Most recently..Those Ifs have become conclusions that would end in....okay then i need to change this about myself..and I need to hang out with his friends..so that he stays liking me...and I've got to learn to love what he does without me...and i've got to love what he does...even if I don't really care for it. I'm tired of adapting. I'm more than willing to go into this relationship with compromise...But i'm not willing to be so scared of losing him...that I end up losing myself.

And...well its easier said than done. Because I do love him and I don't want to lose him. But our situation...which is that he is upstate in college...and i'm down here...tackling the big city on my own.....this situation gives me no choice than to make moves for myself. I do believe I was put in this position for a reason...and I am going to do my darndest to fight for myself.

But then again, where do I start?

I think little steps at best. Taking each day in..with a goal in mind for myself. Even if its...go apply to this place for a job. Or look up auditions today. Or, research graduate schools today, or take a dance class today, or pay these tickets today.......as long as I keep my days more focused on my progression...I will work on this plan as best as I can. And i'm sure there'll be roads...hard days....more tears...but this time I do see my future....I do see the need for me to survive. And I hope that this will be enough. ...Or atleast....this can provide me with something....even a small spark of a push.

"I just want you close....Where you can stay forever..."

I just want everything to be alright. But i don't know if it will.
This is what they mean.....this is what so many have gone through....my first taste of the bitter plate that life serves..

"My heart is hurting......"

There are so many things that are coming down on me right now. And I feel like little ol' me...5'1 frame...with little power to spare cannot push through this right now. I'm living alone. Without any soul right now. No one to sleep next to me. No ones shoulder that i can even go to cry on. Just my small room...my "home" full of strangers literally. Living in the big city is not what its cut out to be....I feel like I have no control over the future of my career. My control has left me...to stay behind the institution walls were it stays to fool and betray those to come before me. I've always been progressive...using "school" to help me move forward. But what happens when you're out? And you've been used to a certain way of life? And now you are out in the real world. Nobody taught me how to find a place to live in my math classes. No one taught me how to find a job in any science class. There was no offered class of "Life Sucks and How to Deal". Nope.

You are just taught to dream and aspire. They fill your mind with the possibilities of what you could be. But they fail to tell you how to get there..and how to manage the pain and struggle that comes with it.

...But I guess you can't blame them really......... its not up to them to teach you this. Every single one of us has to learn this on our own. As we enter into the world blind folded, with injury...we must prevail. We must get through. Because.......there isn't any other solution? Right?

You can't quit....

You can't just leave....

........

I miss my mom. I miss my dad....and I miss seeing my mom and dad together.

I miss my bed...and I miss a roof...and I miss having safety...and I miss living at "HOME".

I miss my auntie Mufeedah....SHE was so strong and she wanted me to do well.

I miss knowing and going after what I wanted despite what other people said or made me feel.

I miss "knowing" I am strong.

I miss being in the arms of love and company.

And I miss BJI. I miss you baby.

What am I going to do? I'm soo ALONE. AND ALL HOPE IS GONE.