I HATE PEOPLE..

Sometimes I just have to sit and look at the people who live in my life and I find that I am surrouded by inconsiderate, indecent, selfish people. I have come to the conclusion that whenever I am dealt with a petty problem..I must immediately remind myself how much I hate people. Lets just back up a bit...

You know, when I was younger...bout 5/6 years ago, and I had my last boyfriend...yes...seriously 5 or 6 years ago. Back then, I had to face a lot of high school drama issues. I really wasn't apart of the whole dating scene either, and having a boyfriend was a new thing. On a regular day, I was used to attending school, doing my music, and then going home and doing homework. But with a boyfriend came a new change in routine. I now had an obligation to meet up with someone after school. It was crucial that in the morning, I had to spend an extra 15 to 20 minutes on beauty preparation in the morning. I had to always sit with him at lunch...you know the usual. It was different, but not hard to adjust. The difficulty came with the baggage that he brought with him. My regular day of schoolwork and music, also ended up with fresh drama.....High school drama....every single day. Going to school became like an ongoing war. Shoot, I could even call it my own WWIII. Every day I battled with my boyfriends ex-girlfriends, who seemed to think of me as a piece of shit. I battled the group of girls that hadn't gotten to him yet...they seemed to like to share to everyone how much they thought of me as a piece of shit. And, on top of that...his "boys" were regulars with insulting every inch of me....they made it their business to treat me like a piece of shit. So, with such great help...I literally became a piece of shit. Im not sure wat bothers me most...I have still not come to terms with wat is worst...Was it having all of these people on my boyfriend's side push so much hurt and hate on me.....Orr, was it just the fact that none of my friends...none of my "people" ever treated him in such a way. In fact, he was...treated like a king...from everyone. I don't know...it is probably a little bit of both that completely ticked me off. But in any case, I'm still so upset that this first boyfriend became my reference to all relationships. I'm so mad that I did not have any good memories of dealing with highschool relationships.

Wat does push my buttons even more is the fact that even today...6 years later...on my second boyfriend, I am falling back into the trap of highschool drama. All of my friends...adore him. None of his....even give a shit about me. They simply complain about the time that is taken away from their..."hang-out sessions", his "girl" friends find ways in which to hang out with him alone....and get him into God knows wat kind of things. And they treat me like.....wat? Yes, a piece of shit. And...so on this day. Out of this meak...and new relationship....I have truly discovered my hate for people in general. Out of these relationships...I see how people are incredibly selfish. I can't begin to fathom how people don't know how to be happy for one another. Instead of congratulating someone on finding someone they like...they bitch and moan...because they do not see any sort of profit for themselves. They are at a loss...and because of this..they want to make your life a living hell. Then there is the other group of people who are into your business...they are happy for you because your private business becomes a daily "tune-in" soap opera for them. Instead of helping you...they just enjoy the ride...and are even willing to give you bad advice so that their current series does not have a quick and early finale. Its just sad, and I'm jus fed up with these people. (which currently.....even include my own bestfriends). I feel like its me against them. All of the time. No one understands my point of view.....but wat hurts is that no one seems to care to understand. I just feel like I'm surrounded by people who just don't give a shit about me. They don't. The sad thing is that maybe they think they do...give a shit. Maybe they think that we are good friends...maybe they call me because they miss my company...but most likely..they are just blinded by the fact that they miss sucking the life out of me.

They need me...in order to make their lives interesting. And this is the ultimate reason why I hate people. They are selfish to the point that they will suck the life out of you....in order to entertain themselves, in order to make some sort of profit, in order to see you suffer as they do, basically to make themselves feel better about their own situation...by fucking up urs.
Well i'm through with fucking with people. I'm through with falling into these high school dramatic games. I'm through with allowing people to affect me the way that they do. For the past few months..the wall has slowly been deteriorating. But starting now....I'm going to build that shit up. No more, not for me. No more.

Late Night...Amusement.

So this is funny. Atleast for me it is. Just a few hours I was ready to sit and let out some serious single-female aggression. I had my lil Kim Lyrics ready to motivate me through an entry that blew this guy through the wall...and eventually it would allow me to get over him by creating this imaginary image that I am the strongest shit on the planet..and he couldn't hurt me...not even a little bit.

So this is the funny part...at 3:00am. He called and changed my fucking entry.

This is how I know that we have a decent possibility of working out well together. Cause dude calls me and says.."Well you know we both don't like labels, but I was seriously thinking of how me and you could be exclusive..together..you know that bf and gf shit. I mean, if you don't want the label, its cool..cause thats how I see how we are now..but I mean its up to you."

And I say " Well I was never really good at long distant relationships. But..I'm just laying out my weaknesses on the table..Besides that..I'M GAME."

"Really? Okay cool." he says over the phone.

"Cool." I say with a grin. "Now when can we become the next Bonnie and Clyde and rob a bank or something..cause i'm broke as hell."

Yes. I love the part how we were "Exclusive" within 4 minutes. "I'm Game." Were the two words that put me at a new level..A familiar level that is over 7 years old...But a new level altogether as well.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I thought.."God, you're really spoiling me right now." And then I was ao excited, and feeling weird..like the whole queasy butterflies part, and then quite vulnerable to the fact that he knew how much I wanted him...cause I said yes. And then, I felt happy to know that I was allowed to be angry. "Ownership" is the wrong term over him. But its the closest that I can find to explain my reasons for being able to be angry if he doesn't call or if he is talking to some other chick. I'm allowed to be angry..cause I've got him..he's my man, (wow listen to how that sounds) and for the first time in a verrryyy long time, I can be mad, cause he's mine. lol. Its funny..the amount of emotions that run through a girl's mind when she gets asked out. I wish guys knew how much more there is other than..."I'm a happy girl cause I gotta boyfriend!" No..there is definetly more colors to the emotions than just pink happiness.

I then had this Rude Awakening...which is what truly motivated me to get up and write this entry at this moment. I realized that I would have to share myself to him. Sharing meaning....I would have to share my musiq. I was just telling my friend how its important that you have your own life when you are in a relationship. I told her how I keep my musiq theatre life out of my outside social relations..cause I would not allow any boy to know about it..and mess up the one thing that I own...the one thing that I have worked hard for...its mine mine mine....and I'm afraid that any random boy could find out about it...and sort of crush it. But, when you are in a real relationship...it can't be completely under secret. He's going to want to know what I do on a regular basis. He's going to want to hear me sing..He's going to want to see me perform! Oh shit.....I don't even know if I am capable of handling it.

I have dedicated my sweat and blood into my music theatre training. Whenever a boy didn't call...whenever I felt like I was out of place in a certain environment...Whenever people outrightly insulted me...I knew that I had something very special about me..that They could never break. And thats how it is now. But now, I've got to share some of it. Cause I imagine that he will be interested...

I guess i'm not going to completely freak out on my first moments of my non-singleness...lol(wow i can't believe it). I'll allow a few more dayz before I freak out anymore. But I guess I just wanted a head start on some of the serious issues that I will have to deal with mentally and emotionally.

But..for the moment. I'm just going to enjoy it. Wow. Shit.

I'm not single? I'm not single. I'm not fucking single..! lol.

But I AM fucking crazy huh? lol

night

THE CELL PHONE IS THE DEVIL!



There is a very gooood reason why i don't talk on the phone. And everyone gets real mad at me when I don't answer..Wellll..the reason is mainly because when times get hard..and when times gets real quiet..Nobody likes to pick up the fucking PHONE and call me. So i'm just chillin in this freaking room..starving and dying to talk to SOMEONE..and NOONE will pick up. Its fucking insane how much it depresses you to not here a damn phone ring.

Or how about how I have applied to over 10 places for a job. And not one damn company has CALLED me yet. So i'm chillin at this phone waiting for one of these people to call me..and not a damn soul has yet.

Orrrr, how about how i have auditioned for a few places..and NOT a DAMN soul has called to even let me know if I got in or not. I mean I've got tough skin. I'd rather that you CALL me and let me know if I made it in or not, instead of me just chillin by the damn phone waiting for these people to call me, when its just soooooo not going to happen. But I sit staring at the damn phone anyway.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, how about i've been hanging out with this f*cking boy for the whole of the summer thus far, and now that i'm back in Jersey...his ass is not calling. I freaking hate boys. I 've gotta pull teeth for them to even recognize that I still exist. They just get some ass and then drop you once you are out of reach. Fucking A! I'd much rather have spent my whole summer vomiting instead of sitting by this damn phone waiting for this damn boy to call me. Fucking...Boys!

So I'm going on a damn phone diet. Right now... 12:26pm on Fucking July 13, 2006. I WILL NOT answer the damnnnn phone. And I wont even look at the shit for the next three days. Fucking People and voicemails, and creditors, and fucking text messages just keep messing with my fucking head.

Fuck the phucking phone.

A Return To Love... THE COMEBACK

"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne WilliamsonA Return to Love

I always knew that the compliments would end real soon. Yeah they came pouring down throughout my "developing" years. When everyone just covers you with love so that you will grow up thinking that you are worth something. But i'm glad God instilled within me the maturity to recognize that those compliments were more covered in bullshit than truth. Even though I knew it was coming, I still wasn't prepared for the effect that it would have upon my whole being. Music Theater doesn't equal a short, underprivileged African-American girl. And eventually this truth was bound to catch up to me. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on with only me telling me that I can get through it. During the workshop the director, Paul Gemignani asked me if I was in love with this career. And, I couldn't give him a straight answer. The best I could come up with is that it is all that i know. Musiq and theater has been all that I've done with my life for the past eight years. Its all that I know..... but is that a good enough answer? I don't even know. And now its got me questioning my whole path. What the hell am I doing going to college for Music Theater? Am I nuts or something? Jesus! I'm like....trapped.

And then it comes to me that I really do want to do this. I just wish that people would stop telling me that its not easy. You know? Get this.... I would still be pursuing the damn career if they didn't mention that part. And when it got tough.. I'm almost confident that I would struggle through it...and eventually getting on top. Because its what I love to do. Its what I've always done..and its where I belong. So the problem isn't the struggle... its the people that tell you that there is a struggle. Its a mind game. We all know you love this and you can handle the pressure of making it on your own. But can you handle us telling you that you wont make it? Its a sick game. And unfortunately, this along with many other aspects of this business has to be something that you learn to trick yourself out of, something that you have to learn the skills to overcome. Its absurd. Actually..quite ridiculous.. but its there. And my friends, it is winning the battle over me. I just look at my life and I think. It would just be so much easierrrrr... if I just go to school for something PRACTICAL.. like.. nursing, or psychology or something. And I look through university catalogs looking to see what else I could do. The truth is... I could do anything. But my Passion...and even more than my passion.. but my time and dedication has gone into music theater. And I truly believe that if I just find a way to push myself to overcome this...I can be greater than I ever thought possible.

It seems like a dream. Something that i'm doomed to wake up from....

Well then I guess I'm doomed then. Cause I'm not fucking walking away. I wont even let myself ruin this for me.

Night.

I'mma Wear Dis!!

Oneday...folks one day i'm gonna wear these beauties! They wont call her cute.. or adorable any more.. The only words that'll come out of their mouth is ..."OOOoooo thats one hot sexxy mama!" lol. I'm just havin fun with some fashion. You know a sista just LOVES her fashion. So i'm flippin through some of my favorite fashion websites, and I come across great glam. And well..MY GOD! If only i had the body to wear this shyt!....To all the ladies with the banging ass bodies that will like to turn heads on their next club venture... I advise you to take a look at greatglam.com!

One day ya'll i'll be sportin' these!




There is absolutely nothing as good as when you get a chance to take a look in the mirror. And enjoy what you see. Right? Clothes are the "It" thing these days, and I'm all about falling into the material world. Im ready ya'll.

Rules for the Jealous Dater...

Like I've always said... I'm a jealous girl. I can't really ignore it. The best thing I can do is try to control it. Notice the key word in that previous sentence..try, lol.

So I'm hanging out with, "my boy" as my friend calls him these days. He's mad cool. Well anyways, i'm hanging with him and his best friend. Yeup, just me and the boys. And these guys are crazy funny and just telling stories. Of course, the stories of "my boys" past girlfriends comes to the surface. They joke about this girl and that. They talk about this girls..."titties" and her body. And i'm smiling, laughing..chuckling...and ripping my napkin into shreds under the table.

Oh the life of a jealous girl. Its quite hard even now to accept that the person with you did have another life before you! Yeah, you may say... get a hold of yourself, there were guys before him in your case. Yeah..thats true. But nothing can stop the jealousy from arising out of no where. Its hard, and if you suffer from this, I encourage you to take the attempt with me to atleast control our jealous streaks. lol.

Some of me begins to fall into that whole deep thought phase, where I just think to myself, i'm just his present trend, and that since there were more before me, there will be more after me. Unfortunately, that may be so true, but it wont help your relationship if you go on that hinge. So where do we start? Lets start with the fact of accepting that you are not the only cute chick that runs through this universe. There are many cute chicks. Actually...more cute chicks than cute guys. Waaayyy more. Meaning there were more before you, and then there will be more after you. Nah Mean?

So after we finally establish that. We can get to the good part... which is. He wont ever meet anyone else like you. Got it? With the amount of chicks that walk through this world.. its amazing how God makes each one....each and everyone is just beautifully unique in their own way. You've got to take these guys by the ears, the eyes, and eventually the balls, and show them ...nothing more but yourself. Because that will be enough. Stop thinking of everyone else, and just focus on yourself. How easy is that? lol. Even when you hear about this girl and that.. if you walk with the confidence that what you have are righteous, rich, and unique...you'll never lose at your fight with jealousy. And even if your times together are temporary... your mark will be permanent.

Alchie

Never thought I'd say it, but..."its time to put down the drink!" Alcohol isn't worth the two day recovery. Ladies and Gents I think i've taken my last swig of shots and wine for a while. I'm beginning to feel like I could easily depend on alcohol to ease away any troubles that I may have. Last time I drank this much, it was because I felt bad for missing an important engagement. This time, it was because I was sexually frustrated. And as I think of it, I realize that these aren't huge problems you know? So just imagine when the problems do begin to grow and get harder? What am I going to add on a shot to every higher level of life's difficulties? I think now. As I sit here, 7am, feeling wooosey, missing my boy toy, and regretting the fact that my colleague saw me in such a state, i'm going to start making better decisions.

Here's a little note to all of you, rip out any obstacles that are personally created from the beginning. I promise you, God will send you enough that'll keep you busy for a good enough time.

Until then... No more drinking.

Atleast for the next month. We'll take baby steps. (wink, wink)