i have decided to move to WORD PRESS.

Blogspot. Its been great.

new site.. kboug.wordpress.com

Hello to all!

I'm back from a few days in the upstate region of the NY. It was fun relaxing..and well overdue. I've been thinking about for days what it is that I want to do. Right now. What do I want to do RIGHT NOW? I want to talk..more and more and analyze more and more. I want to get out every single idea that pops into my head..because I feel like i'm going crazy with all of these thoughts. My brain is on complete overload. So...where do we start?

Lets start simply..with Blogger. I really was thinking of moving to Word Press. I thought that it would be a nice exchange. I still might do it. We'll see. The biggest issue I have is whether I want to continue a thus far 2 year tradition with blogger..or do I want to move on to wordpress..which in my mind would allow me to start over...

Which brings me to the next thing..I am always trying to find a way to start over. Maybe its time for a new way of doing things. CAUSE Obviously...starting over doesn't always work. Whenever I start over..I am happy with the ability to start a new clean slate...it has always been important for me to simply erase what has come before. But now I see that possibly..this doesn't ALWAYS work. whatever..

I'm still trying to figure out what My November goal is...I think I'm going for just being myself. Now to most this would seem like the easiest deed in the world. But for me...it has become quite a challenge. I always find myself altering what I say..altering what I do....which many would say you have to in life. But now i've come to the point where its LYING. I feel like i'm always lying. Sometimes I find myself lying for no reason at all. I lie to my mother about where I'm going...I lie to my friend about who i'm talking to..I lie to everyone. And one day..I sat down and I said to myself..."SELF, WHY DOST THOU LIE?" And Self said..."SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU ARE SIMPLY INTERESTED IN KEEPING A MERE FISAD(SPELL?) OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU."

And then, I realized that its mainly because of fear. I'm scared of what people will think of me. People that I'm close to..people that I love..they do not get the whole of me..because..somewhere in the back of my brain..I "know" they are going to judge me. They are going to think i'm different. They are going to think I'm crazy. MAYBE, I need to make a conscious decision to stop being afraid of what people think. It has always been important...but now its getting dangerous.

I need to be proud of my decisions, my moves, my goals, my body, my accomplishments, my failures...everything. And I need to be truthful to me and everyone around me. If I want the relationships that I so dream about..one of the first things that I've got to do is be honest with everyone else. Let them see me. Even if it may be an ugly me. So..with all of that...I'd ask November to give me the ability to "SPEAK MYSELF". To not live in fear of what people will think of me. I can be able to still say what I want but simply be cautious of the presentation. This is a goal. But before I be cautious of everything..I just want to be happy with what I've got to contribute. I want to be happy with presenting me to the world..and not be so scared of what people will think. Cause honestly...they'll think badly..if thats what they want..there's nothing that you can do to change that.

There is some part of me that wants to make everyone happy. That wants even the "bad guys" to think wonderfully of me. But this cannot happen! I can only control myself...and not what others think. I have to just be..simply happy with who I am..what I love to do..what I've like to give..what I believe. And not be afraid. Just stop being afraid.

November

So i've got to think of a goal for November before November is over!

So i've been thinking about a lot of things. Some of them include...no more facebook inquiries...no more soda...no more fast food..yada yada. But I guess I could do those later...I want something better...lol.

November and April are actually my favorite months of the year. I'm not sure why...I do notice that they both have the similarity that they both are periods of season changes. Futhermore, in November and April....the season change is evident in the color of the trees...november they are these beautiful rusty reds and yellows..and in April..they are green and have other great bright bright colors! whooppeee. I imagine that if April had a boyfriend it would be November.

"When Happiness Does not Come to You..Create it Yourself"

So lets review my October's PATIENCE plea.

Patience is the key. I have realized that as a youngin' I've lived without it for waay too long. During this month of trying to keep myself at a miserable rate in which I can wait....has been difficult. There are few times in which I have failed...and many times in which I have succeeded. What I have learned is that patience allows for me to let things boil over. Its better for me to walk away or wait, because sometimes..trying to deal with a situation immediately can only result in disaster. Especially for this hot tempered gyal.

My only problem with patience...it seems..is fear of letting things go for too long. Or even fear for letting time pass by...without life. I'm sure this needs more explaining. With the way life is going right now.. I am physically alone. There aren't much people that I can visit or turn to for company...And the few that there are..aren't available or aren't the best choice. Much of these days are filled with getting up, making breakfast, going to work, coming home and watching late-night tv. Not many people to call or talk to. My patience is helpful for it allows me to get through the day...but fear arises if my day will continually consist of waiting for the next few weeks to come to go out of town or go to the movies. Its a little rough. But i'm learning..i guess.

Letting it Go...

I'm trying my best to make moves..move on...move ahead...move away.

But things just don't seem to be right at the moment. I'm finding that i'm holding on. There is a lot of work that needs to be done...on MYSELF.

At this moment. I feel despair...but I am hoping for something better really soon.

It has been a full 2 months of drama...of which God has come to put his hand down and call it an end....He is telling me to Let it go.

And its hard. But I decided that I will just try small steps. Getting up everyday. Looking at my ceiling...making the decision to do something...and do it.

I decided to take away that facebook account. It is causing more and more hurt and pain than helping at all.

And I'm still working that Patience Goal.

Pray..

Catching Up...

So its been a minute since i've posted. Looking at where I was just two weeks ago, really allows me to put real things into perspective. Patience is key!! Today..I feel okay. And thats way better than where I was coming from..losing a boyfriend, losing a job, losing friends. Today I am trying to find the beauty in just the company of myself. I realize that I can call the actions...I can allow myself the ability to either choose if I want to trigger this emotion and hang out with this girl, I can choose if I want to face the consequence of talking to my ex, I realize that I can choose to be content with myself...watch a movie ...read a book...go for a walk...and enjoy Me.

Don't get me wrong. Times are still hard and rough. Rough and hard...like a mothaf* but patience allows me to just take it one day at a time. Just move on right along..away from that time where I felt like I was two seconds from a jar of percosets.

I've been trying to figure out what my next move is...with everything. With my living space..I know I gotta stay here..i DON'T want to get kicked out and live on the streets...so finding a decent job is important to me.
But finding a job that will allow me to focus on a career is important as well. Yesterday, I went on an interview for a serving position. Its funny...cause I USED to think that I didnt want any job, I didn't want to win any audition...or anything like that unless they felt like I was absolutely qualified. THESE DAYS, I think very differently. These days its..."just give me a chance"..."let me prove to you"...or..."who do I know that can help put in a good word"? All of which are things that I have put at the top of my list when looking for a job in NYC. Forgive me, but I do not understand how the hell there are miillions of business in this city...and I cannot find one thing to suit me!!! Jeeez louise!

OCTOBER RESOLUTIONS

So. today is october 1st! Whoa..time is going isn't it?
I'm thinking about all the things going on in life..and i'm feeling more and more a general feeling of needing more patience. Formyself..of course.

I feel like i'm always wanting to rush things. Maybe because now that i'm a product of the millenium...I expect things to come to me fast and quickly...and efficiently.

But some of the things that i'm dying to have happen to me...they don't work under the rules of the millenium. They require real time ...time to heal, time to develop, time to grow, and time to live.

So for the month of October, I am trying to put myself on the road of patience. I'm trying to make that my key goal as I continue on in this godforsaken city! lol.

THERAPY "When you can't afford a Shrinkkkk"

I couldn't help but feel that a new found friend blogger was speaking straight to me. Even if it wasn't the case, its as if God led me to find someone who would put some important things in perspective. And so...today the list continues.....in possibly a more positive light?..well maybe for today.

21. Getting Over you...By Getting Over Myself.
22. Conclusions...aren't the best way for me to live by. They are usually false.
23. Dramatizing...allows me to wallow in disbelief of my circumstances. And its okay to allow yourself to just have your slump...all you want. But its time to give myself a time limit.
24. Rules...makes you feel like you are in control. I can only be in control of my OWN choices.....(snaps her fingers) darn it!
25. I'd like to think that I don't put Labels on people. But I do...its the only way to make myself feel like i am in CONTROL...again. Cause I know what to expect. But..you don't know what to expect...so its just time to let it go.
26. Nobody likes an anal ass. So i have to realize that nothing in life is perfect. "It is what it is"
27. Instincts and emotions are what i'm not sure if I've been able to distinguish yet. Sometimes i mistake the two for the same. Becareful...
28. Its always "easier" to see the negative side of things. I've always allowed it to...ahem..again make me feel like I am in control. Because you think that if you expect the negative..you won't get thrown off your feet....wrong. You STILL will. so..."positive" thinking? Yes?
29. I'm not a toy to be played with. And until I can learn to conduct myself in a way to send that message...i need not deal with anymore relationships
30. I'm cute though...and he's dumb for losing that. lol