Wednesday, December 27th

I miss my boyfriend. Today my mother made it her business to remind me not to get too involved...not to fall too hard..and to protect myself. I'm just not sure how I know how to take this. Given the fact that my mother is just not usually the one who speaks like this...I was rather stunned and of course at first, i was on the defense. So sad.

But then i came back to life, and realized that she is merely speaking from experience. Need I say more...my father has proven such arguments. So i'm stuck with this dilemma. Thinking back at my relationship.. I am happy because it truly is a first relationship for me. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually...i am really there. And now, i'm scared. I don't want to get hurt. Nobody does. And so my mind flips to everything...i start thinking about some resolutions about this relationship. Should cut some things out? Spend more time away? Or just cut some of the sex?...u know...just to see if he really cares. I don't know what to do. I just want to be careful with my heart. Its fragile you know. I don't want to be like the numbers of girls before me and currently..who are crying at night and bitching about how much they hate men.

The key to my problem is obviously that i cannot seem to bare the finale. Before i begin anything..i am already thinking of how it will end. Even for the next meal that i will have. I am thinking about how i will feel afterwards. Even over new years.. i am thinking about the day after when all the fun lasts for what feels like a minute..and then i have to return to "Real Life". And just like the others, from day one.. i looked at this relationship and just wonder and imagine...who will be the one to fuck up? Him or me? Me or HIm? Or both? I don't know. And it scares me. So...what do i do? Shit. Love sucks.

Why Skinny Bitches Rule The World....


Its unfortunate but here is the truth....on Why Skinny Bitches Rule The World








1. They can fit into anything they want. - Skinny bitches have more options. If something doesn't look good on them, its not cause its too small, its cause the shit just don't look right. Unlike the rest of us in the world, skinny bitches are able to borrow any piece of article from anyone, and pull that shit off as if they got it from off the fucking runway.

2. They are usally a 1st choice for the best friend. If a guy is checking out some girsl for his friend, he is most likely to pick the skinny girl. Why? Because the skinny bitch is the most neutral chick of the bunch. All guys will consider atleast the skinny chick...all guys will.

3. They are NOT what they eat. Skinny bitches have the luxury of eating whatever they want. And they will not be judged by it. If its a cheeseburger they are okay, because they don't need to step away..if anything it makes people happy that they are not perfect. If its a salad for lunch, they are okay because it looks like they are dedicated to their bodies..and you only can only look good when you're eating salad. Unlike a non skinny bitch, who would be judged for eating a cheeseburger cause its obvious she doesn't need it, and if she is eating a salad...its almost like a joke because of the drastic choice to eat a salad when she's not skinny..it just looks odd.

4. They Belong in the Gym. These days..the gym is just as important as a runway show. If you're a skinny bitch, you can wear whatever you want and go chill at the gym..you'll look good already..and its just about showing off what you've got. Unlike the rest of us, who actually go to the gym to kill ourselves..and leave looking close to disastrous.

5. Everyone prefers a flat belly. Skinny bitches have flat bellies. They come close to the idea of a star. Anything they do..sex... flat bellies are prefered. And in clothing... skinny bitches look less vulgar in any slutty clothing..in comparison to a curvy woman.

6. They get positive Assumptions. It is more likely that anyone will think that skinny bitches are more capable of doing things that are more physically challenging. They are assumed to be the most athletic in things like running and dancing.

7. They Can Wear Bikinis. blach

ENVY
You should see her
She got hips that sway and dance for no good earthly reason
Lord make me just like her
No
No make me better
Make me the kind that can change the weather
Stop tornados
And heavy storms from tearing down the shingles
I want to stop traffic
I want them to moan and lust
I want to be bold and sexy sexy like that
Make me "hot" like they say on videos
I want to be a 12 out of 10
No a 14
Shooot make me a 25
Then I know I'll be happy
Just like Halle Berry






-The Jill Scott

I'm going to let you in on a lil secret about myself....
Something that is probably immensely obvious in my previous entries, but something that I have yet to finally come out and say it.

I live in the bad world of jealousy like its my first job of the day. And the jealousy...leads to envy. And then it just gets worse. I try my best to discover where in the hell it comes from, but I have yet to find it. Today, I realized that It has gotten so bad that I can't even be around the people that i'm jealous of or envious of. Its like a bad spirit comes over me, and I just want to scream at them and tell them to fuck themselves and their perfect selves. So I sit back right now, and I think why? Where does it come from? I don't know... but I'll tell you how it starts...

ex: BG wants his friend ryan to come to princeton and "chill". Well, i'm a fabulous observer, and I've seen bg look at dee. There's not really a suspicion of his likes for her..but there is definite evidence of his admiration for her..excellent body. Blacchhhhhhh. Yucky yuck yuck screw him for his stupidity in thinking that I wouldn't notice that he wants his friend ryan to come and fuck this chick so that he could live out this fantasy through his fucking friend. I HATE BOYS. and i despise the men that create them.

I hate feeling this way. But it happens all the time. It happens ALL the time, and i'm trying to find ways in which to love myself..but when it all comes down to it, i think that this is where the problem really is. I just have not found the love for myself that i NEED in order to go out into this world and fight the demons.

I can't even fight the demons within myself...let alone the ones in the world.

I'm just lost within myself...
girls and their beautiful skin, and their beautiful bodies, and their fabulous fashion, and singers with their wonderful voices, and people with their wonderful relationships, and their wonderful sex lives, and students with their wonderful grades, and their great writing skills, and RA's with their wonderful projects, and their great organization, and friends with their wonderful houses to return to, and their wonderful holidays, and cousins with their wonderful education and...
then there's fuckin me...with....

yo

I'm hot like fire right now. Something about being in this relationship is ticking me off like whoaaaa....whatt i need to do more than anything else is take some time for myself because I swear that I'm about to fucking cut anyone's head that comes through my way. Everyone's got a stank attitude with any approach that I take, and that shit is just driving me up the fucking wall. What the fuck happened? Do you know what happened today...not only did i get into a fight with this fucking boy... but it was over something so minor....and i'm like what the fuck? I'm just trying to prove to him some simple little thing, and he wants to get all nasty and shit..and that shit just makes me upset. I can almost say that maybe he felt like i was going on the high defense..but he knows where i stand with the whole thing..there is no reason that his ass has to get so fucking defensive. Fuck that i don't need this shit. Bitch is about to be single in two fucking seconds.

Rejuvenation...And thats my final Answer...

During this summer, I attended a wonderful music theater workshop in which i had intense music theater training from some of the best known theatre artists of the day. Now, that i look back on it, i sort of wish that i had applied myself even more.. there was no question of the passion, but merely the atmosphere and the competition..its something that always seems to draw me back in. Well anyways, at the end of the month-long intensive.. i had a consultation with the entire faculty. They told me what they thought was good..and of course..they spent a lot of time on what was wrong... that wasn't anything that made me slip ..really. Things that are wrong can only be fixed through training...experience..and lots more time...something that i don't have now..but hopefully will in the future...

What bothered me most was one of the questions that they made me answer. One of them asked...what is it that makes me want to be apart of music theater. Now.. this teacher had said before how... if you want to be a theatre artist...there should be no doubt in your head that you want to do this profession. So with this statement of his in my mind.. i tried to answer the question in a manner to show that i could do nothing else than theater..........YUCK. i became a kiss-ass. And my answer ended up being a complete catastrophe. It was nothing that you would expect me to say...and to be honest.. it was probably obvious that i was out to impress..than be honest. If i had any moment to take back...it would be that moment. Not necessarily because i made a fool of myself...but because i didn't not tell the truth. Because my love for theater was made a spectacle of...not by anyone else but myself. I do love theater...and i just wish i could have been able to express it.

Today... i have found my perfect answer. It came to me while being inspired by our new choir director at the college. Its such a simple answer..but it takes a long way to explain...

The difference between me and most of my colleagues is that most of them had an innate passion for the theater and musicals..they were born with the songs..they grew up knowing the shows...and their background on the topic is absolutely thickened more than mine. I have a love for the theater and the only innate thing that i have in my background is my desire to communicate.

I have realized my destiny to be a small and petite person. Some would say that i'm loud and crazy...but for the most part..I come in a small package..with a laid back quality that is only at a high volume during the mere moments of anger. I have always felt that i should be behind the shadows. In the back. My whole life....I have always thought that i just was below average...I DREAMED...often that i was more than that...often i dreamed that i was capable of being THE BEST. But my dreams were only dreams...they were only something in my head... that i accepted would be left in my head. And reality has hit me this way. BUT, this is how i have found theater. When i began theater... i had realized that i found MY way to communicate. In all of its glory....I found ways in which to touch people....but even more ...express myself. When i'm on the stage...all of my worries and cares about being too ugly..too fat..too dumb...too short...all of it...gets STOMPED on. When i'm on stage..i get to live through the words and music of characters who KNOW who they are...and aren't afraid to express it in anyway. And from these characters...i continue to learn how to be stronger on stage..and through performing...but even more ...in my own life. THIS is why i love the theater. It is what keeps me going.


And often. I doubt if it is real..and doubt if I can make it... but I just know I love it, and I'm in for the long haul.......

One Day

One Day i'm going to figure out that I can do whatever the hell I want to if I put my mind to it. But until that day comes, i'm going to get up tomorrow morning and go for another 30minute run.

Can't Sleep...:(


So its late. And I've gotta get up in the morning to go sit behind a cash register for five hours. Five hours of my life wasted away behind a cash register so that I can sort of make money to survive in this god forsaken world. I'm so upset. And I so don't belong here.lol. There are many reasons why I honestly think that my existence on this earth is a waste of time. Firstly, I HATE working. I hate getting up for work and I hate being at work. And I hate waiting for work to end. Work is something that I am just not sure I can get used to. Work must die! I absolutely despise it and hate every aspect of it.

Second, I have a thing with consistency and maintenance that never seems to work. Lets talk about this for a second. This issue or lack there of in being consistent has been the downfall of everything that i have worked for..thus far in my life. Singing... losing weight... even intelligence...all of these are examples of my talents that have lost their quality due to my inconsistency to practice, inconsistency to get on a diet and exercise regime and stick to it, and inconsistency to study! I am a lost cause... because I do see myself as someone who can go very far... yet, I can see how I can easily be my own downfall to my dreams and goals.

Furthermore, my lack of consistency and maintenance is going to show forth with my relationship with this boy. I can see it already. First of all, I have NEVER been good at relationships period. And only my closest friends have remained my closest friends because they have learned to accept this. I don't know how to conduct myself in relationships...so I do what I do best...and I just be me. I am me when i'm moody, i am me when i've got my period, i am me when i'm happy, and i am me when i'm pissed. I don't try to hide anything... not really. So, being in a relationship with this guy is going to be difficult. I don't know how to maintain this relationship. And as much as I want to.. I see it as an obligation to call him and talk to him sometimes. Its like when you play that computer game...SIMS. You have to take care of your people. And there is this one section where you must make sure they talk to people everyday and maintain their relationships by talking in person or talking on the phone...otherwise..their social bar will decrease, will send them into depression, and then its hard to progress in the game. Well thats how i see some of my relationships....I see them as a social bar that I have to fulfill. This is how it is with BG..and its so hard. There are days when I'm dying to talk to him. And then there are times when I just need to be by myself..no matter if I want to talk to him or not. I just need to keep him out for a lil bit so i can focus. But I feel like i've got to call him everyday and make sure that he's okay everyday ...o i dnt kno

So, its late....

Yeah I'm up. Even though I am supposed to be sleeping early so that I can get up early to go do my first day of running and then a full day of training. Well, I'm putting together my ipod for the morning...so hopefully I'm not going to cop out ..lol.

Anyways, What do I talk about? I don't know I don't really have much to say...I'm just chilling I guess. BG came this weekend...and it was..well I guess bittersweet. It always sucks when you want something so bad, and its visit is so short. Like if you're on a diet and allow yourself to have chocolate once a week...shit... How horrible is it for you to have that chocolate? I think its worse to get it sparingly. It should be either get it all the time.. or never again. Because its kinda hard to go back to living life without chocolate after that mere moment of having a few tastes. It's almost like torture...lol. So thats me.. missing my chocolate.

I feel bad though, everytime he's with me, he seems to be late for everything. I don't know why i'm rambling.. but sometimes I just have to get thoughts out so here I go. So yeah, like everytime he's with me he's always getting ready to go to someplace important after. And we have to rush to the train and then..he's alwaayyysss late. Its so ridiculous. This might sound a little weird..but sometimes I swear that I bring him bad luck or something. When he's with me.. nothing seems to go right. Like for his last showcase..he got fucked over having to wait the whole night to perform. And he has another one coming up. And I can't make it. Man, I swear if everything goes right, I'm going to be positive that it is me. I don't know, maybe I'm stressing too much... thinking that the world revolves around me... but seriously man... I swear that it is me! Its late... let me be. lol.

Sometimes my insecurities do get the best of me. I am surprised tho. Maybe even like proud of myself that it is just now sneaking up on me... the insecurities that is. So often I am so insecure about...myself in general. It is only recently that I am realizing that my insecurities are coming back. When i'm with him.. I get so weird about how I look..and how I act. It's weird. But.. I think its just that time of the relationship. You know when things are starting to settle. And you are past the parts of can't getting enough of each other and all the new explorations of each other. We know each other now.. so its like.. well..what happens next? He seems to be paranoid sometimes ...and I think that it is the fact that he thinks that I could be cheating! How crazy is that? I can't even believe I'm talking like this... me.. in a relationship..with my bf thinking i'm cheating....craazzy. Well, little does he know that I have turned down every single horny ass guy that has come my way. I'm more dedicated that I thought I would be. Its funny that he would be thinking that i'm cheating anyways. He's the one who has all those damned girlfriends and fuck buddies...all these previous girls who are way prettier...wayyy well off...and fuck... he sees women all the time.. I hang out with gay guys...how the hell could I anyways? Okay the rambling will stop....for now atleast.


Nighty

Ready... Set....And Don't Look Back


I'm like on top of the world. In some ways its quite ironic since I am unhappy and discouraged by so many things. But even with what is hitting me now, I know that I can be unstoppable. I can be what I want to be, because I have the potential to be what I see in my mind's eye.

Today, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I wanna talk about my weight. I feel like it has been an ongoing battle between me, myself, and I for since I can remember. I cannot recall a day when I was happy with my weight. And now it is flying high, possibly the heaviest I have ever been before.

I don't want to wait until I'm 40 to have a full turn-around. More than likely, I could possibly never see 40. I want to be able to say, I want to do this....and it happen right now. Get me?

I'm tired of being unhappy with myself. Especially when I'm on top of the world...lol. And I know that this battle IS something that I can overcome. No more pep talks or late night readings of Shape or Fitness magazine. No more last days of junk food eating. From now here on in, Its set. Today is the day that I begin. Not tomorrow. I am ready to finally push myself into success.

Lets do it.

I am Mad....


And can't really do shit about it. So anyways, since I can't find anyone at freakin 9 in the morning to talk to... I've gotta turn to my good ol' blogger buddy for this one. So I spent like..maybe six hours on the phone with BG last night. Ridiculous I know, but..thats just how much I missed him..lol. Anyways, you know how when you talk on the phone for hours, and there'll be like a few moments of nothingness, and then there will be like long moments of conversation or debate. Well during our ...maybe 3rd time of debate... we started talking about his past life and how he was..blah blah blah... basically he was a cold-ass nigga who didn't care much about women except fucking them. And then he had the cocky ass nerve to say.. that if he had met me just a few months earlier... it wouldn't have been much of a relationship... more like a fucking session and then it would be over. Now you know I was pissed...and I said some shit like "that wouldn't be possible... you wouldn't have gotten any sex from me." And I wish I could explain why.. but...

Here's the deal.. this is where the situation gets REAL JJJJUicy...listen close blogger... This boy met me a year ago last August and discovered that I was a virgin. And then when we started chillin again this summer... he automatically assumed that I was STILL a virgin. His fault! Never did he ask me if I had hooked up with anyone. And I never really felt like it was necessary to offer him that information. Now..if you see that as wrong.. I don't really care cause shit...Im not walking around just spitting out my ish to anyone. So.. he didn't ask...and so he never knew that I had already had sex before this summer.

So the bitch thinks that he took my virginity. And he's on the other side of the phone laughing saying how easy it would be for him to mack to be and get the pum pum...and then drop it. And he was saying shit like... "Hey, what if I just came out right now and said that all of this was a game, the whole relationship was a game..and now that I've got what I wanted... I am gonna drop you right now?" Can you guess...how I was at that moment? FLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!
And I was surely about to spill the beans.. but I decided to just get a little stern and just say... "You think you would've gotten the best of me... but you know little."

Now, I'm still mad at the conversation. But to be honest the whole idea of it is already dropped. But I'm just heated that this boy would come out of his face and say some shit like that to me. I'm lucky that I did already have sex with someone else..and part of me is happy that I decided to do that before fucking with BG. I'm a New Yorker.. I know how the game is played. What if I was a fucking virgin? Then that conversation would have had me in fucking tears.. nah mean? Thats why we NY girls keep shit straight. Thats why I made sure that I shared my first time with someone who I know would never do shit like that to me. And I can hold onto my own dignity and pride knowing that BG could never get the best of me in this situation. As cold-hearted as this may seem....I am beginning to fall in love with BG... but if he EVER pulled that shit....I would have to knock his balls out of the park by letting him know that he didn't take nothing from me....and he never could. I don't like to play fucking games... but if it came down to it.. THATS HOW MY FUCKING GAME IS PLAYYED.

But to get out of my random anger spout, I hate carrying around this secret from him. I don't know how to tell him. And I don't know if I should. And I don't know if I want to. If he wants to automatically assume this...then.. what the hell am I to do?

I don't know...So i'm mad for the moment... but it wont last long cause I really do fucking like the fucking boy a lot. Just keeping it real you know?

enough for now.

I'm Bringing SEXY BACK...


So, its been a minute since I vomited my ideas and thoughts, and pure complaints onto my favorite online diary. So many things happening and so many things going on .... somethings would leave me stressed out.. completely un-end, but I've got to thank God for bringing BG in my life, for he is the only one who keeps me from losing it all. I'm afraid that he might be an actual distraction from my harsh reality, but for now... we'll just thank God for our new found happiness and deal with that evolving ish on another night. lol.

So lets talk about sex BABY. Lets talk about how I can officially define myself as sexually active. How crazy is that? Just six months ago... Never would I think that I would be experiencing the....ahem...joy of sex that I have been. Lets Talk about Sex... Its crazy. I mean.. I guess I can get a little open with it..after all this is my diary... anywayz...soooo lets talk about sex and how it can allow you to let yourself go in the most unexpected way. How it can almost allow you to find some different parts of yourself that you never knew existed. Now i'm not just talking about the groans and moans and the....utters of screams at times.... though these times are included as well, but i'm just talking about the openness. I mean, I honestly am a different person when I have sex. No longer do I care how big my belly is bulging out, or how thick my thighs are...or anything... in fact, every part of my body becomes the most sexy part that I have ever had. I love sex because it has allowed me to see myself..and say.. "hey..what I have is good." Lets talk about sex... because too often it is talked about on the hush hush amongst families. And then when it is brought up in society.. it is used and abused, it is scrutinized, and it is no longer seen as the gift from God....And what a freakin gift it is! Lets talk about sex...and how much I love getting it in all different ways and how i'm not afraid to admit it. Not because i'm a hoe, but because I deserve to get it when I want it and how I want it. And...I happen to want it in every way possible. Lets talk about sex and how it can be so exciting when you are absolutely sharing it with someone special....

I never thought... I never saw me... as the person who would get stuck on anyone. And I mean.. stuck. I've always liked to think of myself as... independent. Don't need men...cause they don't do me no good. But..shit.. if its not the sex thats turning me out.. its just the plain and simple genuine company that I'm getting from my new found boyfriend. I've been with him for such a short time, but already I am experiencing the way that I've always dreamed that I would be treated if I was in a relationship. He honestly treats me well...not because he follows any rules in the fucking Rule Book of Relationship Conduct. But because he really cares for me, every move he makes seems to be of my best interest. And I mean how great is that? I find myself still building those obstacle walls....so worried about how this relationship is going to end...But i'm going to fight myself from this. I just want to enjoy it NOW. And worry about tomorrow when it gets here. I'm just so in awe about how things are going... Its just...well.. too good to be true. We are friends first you see....his company is enough. And the sex..is just the bonus addition! I always thought that my first love, JQ was the only one who seemed to care and love me the way that I deserved. But i'm finding in this relationship that there are other ways to go about this. And I'm slowly learning about what I want in a relationship and what I don't. I'm finding that I can call the shots. And get what I want... and within the same way....I'm giving as well. Its funny cause I've always thought of myself as independent without a guy in my life.. but when I'm with BG, I've found even more independence. How crazy is that? With such little short time to have..I've been afraid to say it. But, now I know for sure that I am in love. I don't know what kind of love it is.. but its gotta be love.

Its even funnier how..my late night sex talk has changed into another love entry....welllll...Thats how it should be anyway. Sex and Love.... together again. Night night.

Another Late Night Rejuvenation...

You know I forgot what came with the trials and tribulations in a relationship. Its been so long. And even then, I wasn't sure about ....anything. So, in its own way, I am still seeing myself as an amateur at this. I just wish that I could say that this time is going to be great. I wish I could say that I know that me and him are headed for love, and that I have found someone whom I know is the right one for me. But to be truthful, I'm more than scared to even think these things. I mean, they could be possible. But more than anything I'm afraid to claim him because I don't know how much of him he wants me to claim. ...Ok..I just don't know if I have the confidence to handle this. I feel like our relationship is on sticks and stones...Sometimes I feel like i'm treading on broken glass... because I really don't know if he really likes me...that much, you know?

Everyday he calls me, I am reassured......but just for that day. If I don't hear from him one day...its enough to make me think that...maybe..just maybe...I'm not that much on his mind. You know? I just wish that when I head into a relationship...I could throw all the bullshit away. All the insecurities that I'm not pretty enough, NOT skinny enough, not confident enough to have a man, and know that he wants me just as much. Maybe if I had a contract, a 100% guarantee that if he will be my man, He's gonna call me everyday. He's going to tell me how much he misses me, atleast 4 times a week, he's gonna hang out with me, or visit me atleast 2-3 times a week. And he will show proof of his faithfulness through physical evidence..like maybe his friends would report to me, or some undercover chick...would keep report of how many women he comes into contact with...how many times they have made a pass at him, and how many times he hinted that he might be interested himself. ....HOW CRAZY WOULD THAT BE? I bet that I would enjoy it greatly for a long time. I would know that he is faithful to me. I would know that he wants to be with me. And I would know that he's NOT cheating! But eventually, i'm sure....it would not work. Because things that sound that perfect..never really work that well. Firstly, it would be mechanical...I want to be surprised by his outbursts of "I miss you" and "When Can I see you again?". Not to mention, that all of those actions in a contract...are supposed to be voluntary... thats what makes it special. You don't have to make him do anything..he just does it automatically. A Contract would be perfect...but then the relationship loses its spontaneity and even its risk. And i'm sure that thats what makes relationships so wonderful...because they are spontaneous, they are fun, they are loving, and they are risky. I guess I've just got to work, day by day to push my insecurities to the side..and just dive in.

But still.... I don't know where to start! (lol...silly of me to think this entry was anywhere near done. ) I'm so scared. So many things to do! So many responsibilites! i MEAN..when you head into a relationship.. you not only date the guy.. but his lifestyle. You date his job..which is currently the gap. You date his goals and dreams..which is to become a producer and recording artist. You date his friends...which is a group of rowdy ass boys who are no where near used to their boy ..."seriously dating". You date his family...who seem to be disappointing him continuously. I don't know where to start. I feel like I have so many jobs sometimes. I've got to prove to all aspects of his life that I can handle it. That I can be supportive, and that I can be useful. ....How crazy?! And I have to try to be super-beautiful and intelligent and funny and strong and sexy..all at the same time?! Jesus! I don't know... I just don't know where to begin. I don't know if I can handle this...and MY life all at the same time! What to do? Where to start?

Okay.. i'm done for now.

I HATE PEOPLE..

Sometimes I just have to sit and look at the people who live in my life and I find that I am surrouded by inconsiderate, indecent, selfish people. I have come to the conclusion that whenever I am dealt with a petty problem..I must immediately remind myself how much I hate people. Lets just back up a bit...

You know, when I was younger...bout 5/6 years ago, and I had my last boyfriend...yes...seriously 5 or 6 years ago. Back then, I had to face a lot of high school drama issues. I really wasn't apart of the whole dating scene either, and having a boyfriend was a new thing. On a regular day, I was used to attending school, doing my music, and then going home and doing homework. But with a boyfriend came a new change in routine. I now had an obligation to meet up with someone after school. It was crucial that in the morning, I had to spend an extra 15 to 20 minutes on beauty preparation in the morning. I had to always sit with him at lunch...you know the usual. It was different, but not hard to adjust. The difficulty came with the baggage that he brought with him. My regular day of schoolwork and music, also ended up with fresh drama.....High school drama....every single day. Going to school became like an ongoing war. Shoot, I could even call it my own WWIII. Every day I battled with my boyfriends ex-girlfriends, who seemed to think of me as a piece of shit. I battled the group of girls that hadn't gotten to him yet...they seemed to like to share to everyone how much they thought of me as a piece of shit. And, on top of that...his "boys" were regulars with insulting every inch of me....they made it their business to treat me like a piece of shit. So, with such great help...I literally became a piece of shit. Im not sure wat bothers me most...I have still not come to terms with wat is worst...Was it having all of these people on my boyfriend's side push so much hurt and hate on me.....Orr, was it just the fact that none of my friends...none of my "people" ever treated him in such a way. In fact, he was...treated like a king...from everyone. I don't know...it is probably a little bit of both that completely ticked me off. But in any case, I'm still so upset that this first boyfriend became my reference to all relationships. I'm so mad that I did not have any good memories of dealing with highschool relationships.

Wat does push my buttons even more is the fact that even today...6 years later...on my second boyfriend, I am falling back into the trap of highschool drama. All of my friends...adore him. None of his....even give a shit about me. They simply complain about the time that is taken away from their..."hang-out sessions", his "girl" friends find ways in which to hang out with him alone....and get him into God knows wat kind of things. And they treat me like.....wat? Yes, a piece of shit. And...so on this day. Out of this meak...and new relationship....I have truly discovered my hate for people in general. Out of these relationships...I see how people are incredibly selfish. I can't begin to fathom how people don't know how to be happy for one another. Instead of congratulating someone on finding someone they like...they bitch and moan...because they do not see any sort of profit for themselves. They are at a loss...and because of this..they want to make your life a living hell. Then there is the other group of people who are into your business...they are happy for you because your private business becomes a daily "tune-in" soap opera for them. Instead of helping you...they just enjoy the ride...and are even willing to give you bad advice so that their current series does not have a quick and early finale. Its just sad, and I'm jus fed up with these people. (which currently.....even include my own bestfriends). I feel like its me against them. All of the time. No one understands my point of view.....but wat hurts is that no one seems to care to understand. I just feel like I'm surrounded by people who just don't give a shit about me. They don't. The sad thing is that maybe they think they do...give a shit. Maybe they think that we are good friends...maybe they call me because they miss my company...but most likely..they are just blinded by the fact that they miss sucking the life out of me.

They need me...in order to make their lives interesting. And this is the ultimate reason why I hate people. They are selfish to the point that they will suck the life out of you....in order to entertain themselves, in order to make some sort of profit, in order to see you suffer as they do, basically to make themselves feel better about their own situation...by fucking up urs.
Well i'm through with fucking with people. I'm through with falling into these high school dramatic games. I'm through with allowing people to affect me the way that they do. For the past few months..the wall has slowly been deteriorating. But starting now....I'm going to build that shit up. No more, not for me. No more.

Late Night...Amusement.

So this is funny. Atleast for me it is. Just a few hours I was ready to sit and let out some serious single-female aggression. I had my lil Kim Lyrics ready to motivate me through an entry that blew this guy through the wall...and eventually it would allow me to get over him by creating this imaginary image that I am the strongest shit on the planet..and he couldn't hurt me...not even a little bit.

So this is the funny part...at 3:00am. He called and changed my fucking entry.

This is how I know that we have a decent possibility of working out well together. Cause dude calls me and says.."Well you know we both don't like labels, but I was seriously thinking of how me and you could be exclusive..together..you know that bf and gf shit. I mean, if you don't want the label, its cool..cause thats how I see how we are now..but I mean its up to you."

And I say " Well I was never really good at long distant relationships. But..I'm just laying out my weaknesses on the table..Besides that..I'M GAME."

"Really? Okay cool." he says over the phone.

"Cool." I say with a grin. "Now when can we become the next Bonnie and Clyde and rob a bank or something..cause i'm broke as hell."

Yes. I love the part how we were "Exclusive" within 4 minutes. "I'm Game." Were the two words that put me at a new level..A familiar level that is over 7 years old...But a new level altogether as well.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I thought.."God, you're really spoiling me right now." And then I was ao excited, and feeling weird..like the whole queasy butterflies part, and then quite vulnerable to the fact that he knew how much I wanted him...cause I said yes. And then, I felt happy to know that I was allowed to be angry. "Ownership" is the wrong term over him. But its the closest that I can find to explain my reasons for being able to be angry if he doesn't call or if he is talking to some other chick. I'm allowed to be angry..cause I've got him..he's my man, (wow listen to how that sounds) and for the first time in a verrryyy long time, I can be mad, cause he's mine. lol. Its funny..the amount of emotions that run through a girl's mind when she gets asked out. I wish guys knew how much more there is other than..."I'm a happy girl cause I gotta boyfriend!" No..there is definetly more colors to the emotions than just pink happiness.

I then had this Rude Awakening...which is what truly motivated me to get up and write this entry at this moment. I realized that I would have to share myself to him. Sharing meaning....I would have to share my musiq. I was just telling my friend how its important that you have your own life when you are in a relationship. I told her how I keep my musiq theatre life out of my outside social relations..cause I would not allow any boy to know about it..and mess up the one thing that I own...the one thing that I have worked hard for...its mine mine mine....and I'm afraid that any random boy could find out about it...and sort of crush it. But, when you are in a real relationship...it can't be completely under secret. He's going to want to know what I do on a regular basis. He's going to want to hear me sing..He's going to want to see me perform! Oh shit.....I don't even know if I am capable of handling it.

I have dedicated my sweat and blood into my music theatre training. Whenever a boy didn't call...whenever I felt like I was out of place in a certain environment...Whenever people outrightly insulted me...I knew that I had something very special about me..that They could never break. And thats how it is now. But now, I've got to share some of it. Cause I imagine that he will be interested...

I guess i'm not going to completely freak out on my first moments of my non-singleness...lol(wow i can't believe it). I'll allow a few more dayz before I freak out anymore. But I guess I just wanted a head start on some of the serious issues that I will have to deal with mentally and emotionally.

But..for the moment. I'm just going to enjoy it. Wow. Shit.

I'm not single? I'm not single. I'm not fucking single..! lol.

But I AM fucking crazy huh? lol

night

THE CELL PHONE IS THE DEVIL!



There is a very gooood reason why i don't talk on the phone. And everyone gets real mad at me when I don't answer..Wellll..the reason is mainly because when times get hard..and when times gets real quiet..Nobody likes to pick up the fucking PHONE and call me. So i'm just chillin in this freaking room..starving and dying to talk to SOMEONE..and NOONE will pick up. Its fucking insane how much it depresses you to not here a damn phone ring.

Or how about how I have applied to over 10 places for a job. And not one damn company has CALLED me yet. So i'm chillin at this phone waiting for one of these people to call me..and not a damn soul has yet.

Orrrr, how about how i have auditioned for a few places..and NOT a DAMN soul has called to even let me know if I got in or not. I mean I've got tough skin. I'd rather that you CALL me and let me know if I made it in or not, instead of me just chillin by the damn phone waiting for these people to call me, when its just soooooo not going to happen. But I sit staring at the damn phone anyway.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, how about i've been hanging out with this f*cking boy for the whole of the summer thus far, and now that i'm back in Jersey...his ass is not calling. I freaking hate boys. I 've gotta pull teeth for them to even recognize that I still exist. They just get some ass and then drop you once you are out of reach. Fucking A! I'd much rather have spent my whole summer vomiting instead of sitting by this damn phone waiting for this damn boy to call me. Fucking...Boys!

So I'm going on a damn phone diet. Right now... 12:26pm on Fucking July 13, 2006. I WILL NOT answer the damnnnn phone. And I wont even look at the shit for the next three days. Fucking People and voicemails, and creditors, and fucking text messages just keep messing with my fucking head.

Fuck the phucking phone.

A Return To Love... THE COMEBACK

"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne WilliamsonA Return to Love

I always knew that the compliments would end real soon. Yeah they came pouring down throughout my "developing" years. When everyone just covers you with love so that you will grow up thinking that you are worth something. But i'm glad God instilled within me the maturity to recognize that those compliments were more covered in bullshit than truth. Even though I knew it was coming, I still wasn't prepared for the effect that it would have upon my whole being. Music Theater doesn't equal a short, underprivileged African-American girl. And eventually this truth was bound to catch up to me. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on with only me telling me that I can get through it. During the workshop the director, Paul Gemignani asked me if I was in love with this career. And, I couldn't give him a straight answer. The best I could come up with is that it is all that i know. Musiq and theater has been all that I've done with my life for the past eight years. Its all that I know..... but is that a good enough answer? I don't even know. And now its got me questioning my whole path. What the hell am I doing going to college for Music Theater? Am I nuts or something? Jesus! I'm like....trapped.

And then it comes to me that I really do want to do this. I just wish that people would stop telling me that its not easy. You know? Get this.... I would still be pursuing the damn career if they didn't mention that part. And when it got tough.. I'm almost confident that I would struggle through it...and eventually getting on top. Because its what I love to do. Its what I've always done..and its where I belong. So the problem isn't the struggle... its the people that tell you that there is a struggle. Its a mind game. We all know you love this and you can handle the pressure of making it on your own. But can you handle us telling you that you wont make it? Its a sick game. And unfortunately, this along with many other aspects of this business has to be something that you learn to trick yourself out of, something that you have to learn the skills to overcome. Its absurd. Actually..quite ridiculous.. but its there. And my friends, it is winning the battle over me. I just look at my life and I think. It would just be so much easierrrrr... if I just go to school for something PRACTICAL.. like.. nursing, or psychology or something. And I look through university catalogs looking to see what else I could do. The truth is... I could do anything. But my Passion...and even more than my passion.. but my time and dedication has gone into music theater. And I truly believe that if I just find a way to push myself to overcome this...I can be greater than I ever thought possible.

It seems like a dream. Something that i'm doomed to wake up from....

Well then I guess I'm doomed then. Cause I'm not fucking walking away. I wont even let myself ruin this for me.

Night.

I'mma Wear Dis!!

Oneday...folks one day i'm gonna wear these beauties! They wont call her cute.. or adorable any more.. The only words that'll come out of their mouth is ..."OOOoooo thats one hot sexxy mama!" lol. I'm just havin fun with some fashion. You know a sista just LOVES her fashion. So i'm flippin through some of my favorite fashion websites, and I come across great glam. And well..MY GOD! If only i had the body to wear this shyt!....To all the ladies with the banging ass bodies that will like to turn heads on their next club venture... I advise you to take a look at greatglam.com!

One day ya'll i'll be sportin' these!




There is absolutely nothing as good as when you get a chance to take a look in the mirror. And enjoy what you see. Right? Clothes are the "It" thing these days, and I'm all about falling into the material world. Im ready ya'll.

Rules for the Jealous Dater...

Like I've always said... I'm a jealous girl. I can't really ignore it. The best thing I can do is try to control it. Notice the key word in that previous sentence..try, lol.

So I'm hanging out with, "my boy" as my friend calls him these days. He's mad cool. Well anyways, i'm hanging with him and his best friend. Yeup, just me and the boys. And these guys are crazy funny and just telling stories. Of course, the stories of "my boys" past girlfriends comes to the surface. They joke about this girl and that. They talk about this girls..."titties" and her body. And i'm smiling, laughing..chuckling...and ripping my napkin into shreds under the table.

Oh the life of a jealous girl. Its quite hard even now to accept that the person with you did have another life before you! Yeah, you may say... get a hold of yourself, there were guys before him in your case. Yeah..thats true. But nothing can stop the jealousy from arising out of no where. Its hard, and if you suffer from this, I encourage you to take the attempt with me to atleast control our jealous streaks. lol.

Some of me begins to fall into that whole deep thought phase, where I just think to myself, i'm just his present trend, and that since there were more before me, there will be more after me. Unfortunately, that may be so true, but it wont help your relationship if you go on that hinge. So where do we start? Lets start with the fact of accepting that you are not the only cute chick that runs through this universe. There are many cute chicks. Actually...more cute chicks than cute guys. Waaayyy more. Meaning there were more before you, and then there will be more after you. Nah Mean?

So after we finally establish that. We can get to the good part... which is. He wont ever meet anyone else like you. Got it? With the amount of chicks that walk through this world.. its amazing how God makes each one....each and everyone is just beautifully unique in their own way. You've got to take these guys by the ears, the eyes, and eventually the balls, and show them ...nothing more but yourself. Because that will be enough. Stop thinking of everyone else, and just focus on yourself. How easy is that? lol. Even when you hear about this girl and that.. if you walk with the confidence that what you have are righteous, rich, and unique...you'll never lose at your fight with jealousy. And even if your times together are temporary... your mark will be permanent.

Alchie

Never thought I'd say it, but..."its time to put down the drink!" Alcohol isn't worth the two day recovery. Ladies and Gents I think i've taken my last swig of shots and wine for a while. I'm beginning to feel like I could easily depend on alcohol to ease away any troubles that I may have. Last time I drank this much, it was because I felt bad for missing an important engagement. This time, it was because I was sexually frustrated. And as I think of it, I realize that these aren't huge problems you know? So just imagine when the problems do begin to grow and get harder? What am I going to add on a shot to every higher level of life's difficulties? I think now. As I sit here, 7am, feeling wooosey, missing my boy toy, and regretting the fact that my colleague saw me in such a state, i'm going to start making better decisions.

Here's a little note to all of you, rip out any obstacles that are personally created from the beginning. I promise you, God will send you enough that'll keep you busy for a good enough time.

Until then... No more drinking.

Atleast for the next month. We'll take baby steps. (wink, wink)

The Single Girl's Guide to Livin'...Intro

Soooo lets just start from the beginning. Before I give you my own ideas on how to approach a relationship..i think it would be best to let you in on how I started on this merry ride to single loving and living...

I went to high school in the city..nyc. So that included me taking the train every morning to school. It was on the damn E train that I realized the qualities that I needed in order to build myself up to be a successful single woman. I remember sitting on the train watching these guys talk to this girl. She was pretty..a typical nyc teenager..dressed and dripped in the hottest gear..with a banging ass weave..lol. As soon as she got off..the guys were right on a new girl.

I went home that night and took a good look in the mirror. Well, first I watched about an hour of musiq videos...but then.. I took a look in the mirror. I had no money for any flashy clothing. So my clothes were jeans and t-shirts..thats it. My hair..long, but not a weave. And my body....? no where near. Now you see, I think i had always had instilled within me a self-conscious view that said that I was not pretty. But it was in these crucial years of high school that I began to truly believe it.

After those days of discovery, I devided that I couldn't take it. I couldn't sit and watch these cute guys..talk to girl after girl. It didn't even matter to me that they were switchin up girls after every stop. What mattered the most was that I was never chosen. From then on, whenever I got on a train where there were cute guys... i decided to change cars so that I wouldn't disappoint myself. I went through my high school years alone. Completely alone. And I wasn't really a "geek" or a tv-show "nerd". I was still myself, wrapped up in musiq everyday after school. But walking around with this self-hatred feeling. I went to prom alone..without anyone. And I had never had a bf ..at all. Now most would sit and mope. And to be honest, I did then, and I still do now when I think of myself.

I realized at an early age, that I was just plain different. Just...different. And nobody appreciated it..including myself. And I went through this phase in which nothing was really important to me..not even combing my hair..not even brushing my teeth. And to this day..these qualities still haunt me. Now that I'm in New Jersey, I can't change cars anymore..but..I do find myself doing similar things in which I just avoid the situation completely..in order to defend myself. Defend my feelings. I had a counseling session this past semester because I felt like I was at the edge. And I shared with the counselor about the way I handle boys..and her question was.."What is the worst thing that could happen if you did get rejected from a boy?" And I couldn't figure out the words then. I just knew that the result would be unbearable. ..I think now.. my answer might be because I am afraid of proving myself right..that i'm not womanly, that i'm not feminine, that i'm not beautiful..and there's nothing I can do about it!

My first advice to women comes from my initial experiences growing up in this generation. The backbone to a single life..is pure strength. Physical strength is important, but mental and emotional strength is the key to keep yourself ahead..and focused. Please...don't judge me for my words...i hope you'll be able to understand where i'm coming from..and just give things a try..you will never know.

until next time...

Summer...thus far

I am amazed at how my "summer" is coming along. Quite a bit is happening..and i'm not sure how to feel, where to start, and more than anything..i'm afraid of how it will end..

Lets first talk about how I am attending this performing arts workshop,and it is ultimately busting my butt. It is simply bringing my work ethic to the surface. It showing me that I really have to buckle down...people keep saying everyday.."If you can't do this..then you should forget about this business." How encouraging they are! Its quite difficult for me..and I am finding myself falling into the same insecurities..being the only black music theatre artist..continues to plague me everywhere i go. I always feel like I have to work harder..and every little thing makes me feel like everyone is doing something different, or treating me differently..because i'm Black. I know most of it isn't true...but even an inkling of it is enough to discourage me even further. I think I'll definetly touch upon this issue a little more as I begin to blog for this summer. In the end, I know that it is me who creates the biggest obstacle..because I am the one who is thinking about that issue rather than working harder on my pieces. I've gotta find a way..some sort of solution in which I can just kill my insecurities and focus on the most necessary deed at hand.

Well, what a mouthful. But lets just touch on this a bit. So guys... I'm "talking" to someone. In the ancient days..some may consider it "Courting", in New Jersey it is called "hooking up", In the NY we use "talking". Now i'm not sure if I should be considered "talking" to this person at age 21. I missed the memo that told me if that was just for the highschool folks or not. Well, wow I'm getting ahead of myself..lets back up a bit.

So basically theres this guuyyyy...lol. Yeup. Can you believe it? Wait..can you believe that I haven't been this involved with someone for like 6 years? Shit, (excuse the french..but i'm just entirely too shocked) its been a long time. And well, i'm not "involved" per say...wow, i never knew how words could really throw the idea in the wrong direction. But again, anyways...This guy, he's great! I mean, I've never met anyone like him, and to be honest I never thought that a guy like him would even be interested. But its not his looks..I mean he's cute and all..but its more of his demeanor. He's..."sooo not my type"..in the diva voice. But I think this is what attracts me. A solid Brooklyn boy, who is in love with musiq and seems to be genuinely interested. He's a whole lot more experienced, smokes weed on a regular basis, and has the tendency to break things when he's angry. Now, some of these qualities I do not agree with, but in the end...all of his qualities excite me and keep me interested. But the thing that I find is... despite all of my insecurities in approaching a relationship, he doesn't seem to mind them. He doesn't mind my quirky-ness (even as a black woman), he seems to respect my intelligence, he's had many sex partners..but doesn't seem to push sex on me...hmmm, he's in love with musiq (i'm telling you ....musiq is the connecting language to all species!), and most importantly he's interested in me...ooo wait...even more importantly..he calls! lol.

I'm afraid to fallll....I'm happy to have this opportunity to just meet someone... you know. To say that I'm now apart of the dating thing...But more than anything else...I'm just treading on egg shells cause i'm afraid to fall for him..and get hurt just the same. And I find myself..trying to PRETEND that it doesn't bother me when he doesn't call everyday. Its hard... this whole THING... this whole "getting to know you" ordeal can be really nerve wracking. In the end..I am loving it. I listen to his musiq..not just because its good and capturing, but because then I can hear his voice. ....(sick huh?) And I think about him a whole...llot! Well, we'll see...we'll see.

Alright then!

I am beginning to realize that I am my own damn obstacle! Its quite funny you see. Because God seems to like to throw fireballs at my friends... got them running around like lunatics trying to stray away from getting themselves burned. So they run this way..thinking that the damn fire ain't gonna get them.. but the damn shit does! It always does..cause you can't mess with God. Little do they know that all they have to do is stop and pray for some healing water. ...Whatever..excuse my tangent. So, my friends and families seem to have things going on in their lives that is just straight up fucked up. You know? And it kinda sucks for them...I'm not gonna lie. Especially when that shit comes right at the prime of your life when you think that you are finally accomplishing something..and then you get a damn problem..and damn obstacle.

Lucky for me.. i've only faced a few... i'm sure there are more to come. But I have a feeling that God is sitting in his big platinum chair right now.. just chillin...and snickering at me. He can't give me any more damn problems.. because I create my own ones! I am beginning to realize that I truly am my own obstacle. I create these crazy ideas in my head..and I tell myself some bullshit..and I stray....far far..out of where I need to be. Well if I'll be damned! I don't know if whether i should stop so that I could finally allow myself to get ahead... or should I keep doing it...cause the problems I give myself...will never match up for the problems that are in store...Right? lol. Now how weird do you feel reading this entry? It can't be any more weird than I feel writing it.

be like them...

I don't know why I keep trying to be like those that I cannot. The saddest thing is that I walk away thinking that it could be a possibility. And then its a longer fall...a harder punch..when I realize I'll never amount to them. I've gotta find a way for me to be me...Only. And then to be happy with just that...no. Not "just" that. But happy. Period.

Summer Bliss...


I wasn't excited before. Nah i definetly just saw this summer as another stress way to figure out where i'm going to stay, what the hell am i going to do, and how the hell am i going to get out of debt. Funny thing is...none of that has really changed! Nope! I'm still worried about those things... but you know there is just something about the summer that is so wonderful. Its not necessarily a time for new beginnings, but it does provide for us..a chance to let loose, to love our bodies, to take up a new habit, to discover, to find new things about ourselves and the ones we love........ahem, and the ones we hate. Yeh, summertime is good. And as long as my body is still moving and working along in this earth, i'm going to try to push myself away from depression and stress and find the good things about living. Its hard to find them..but there are some great things about living! My favorite thing is a deep breath. I know you know this..but yeh.. you are constantly breathing in and out all day long. Have you ever given yourself the opportunity to sit and just feel the breath move in and out? Go ahead try it! For you asthmatics..like myself... you'll really get a good one if you take your albuterol before it.lol. In all cases, a deep breath is a beautiful thing. The way it fills your body..in a non-caloric way..lol. The way it comes out..slow and steady...as if you are blowing out everything that has got you worried or stressed or out of your "free to be me" zone.

You know what? I just got a fab...absolutely fab idea! I want to put you and myself up to a challenge. Yeh, a sure fire way for us to make sure we get the most out of this summer..! Yeh, ok. Change..or no lets not use the word "change" , but add some important elements to our summer weeks to enjoy the summer bliss. Okay okay, imma call it...Off Da Shoulda's Summer Bliss Challenge! We can add and talk about various things like health, sex, fitness, love, etc... that will lead us to entirely healthy, beautiful, summer loving beings! You know I never managed to get successful with these diets because they required so much of me at once. So how about we allow this summer challenge to give us JUST ONE THING!..to think about every week. Okay..i'm loving this! I guess i'm not going to wait till tomorrow.. So let the challenge begin. I'm gonna be the guinea pig to this challenge.. but i encourage anyone out there to join me.

Off Da Shoulda ...Summer Bliss Challenge..(week one)

FIND YOUR BREATH!

This week...

Focus: On Taking a Deep Breath

How to use it?: As a singer, i'll tell you that the best deep breath comes from the diaphragm. Many people take a deep breath and shorten it. This is obvious because your shoulders will strain up. No! A deep breath comes from down within. Your belly will expand when you inhale, and then it will go in when you exhale.. For anyone who wants a real "OPERA SINGER DEEP BREATH"...take notice of the muscles that you use when you do #2 on the toilet. Trust me they are real easy to find once you locate them! Focus on those muscles everytime you inhale and exhale deeply!

Where to use it? Everywhere! I mean..your body is already breathing. But if you take a moment to organize your own deep breath.. you may find that you can use it in needed situations. Like before you go for that run, or before you have an exam, before you go see that cutie..

Goal: to find my breath and let it be the first step fuel for de-stress!

Challenge away! (OOOOoooo i'm liking this!)

Time on my hands...

As you can see.. i have nothing else to do for the next two weeks, but watch tv and journal. So as i was thinking and i went through my favorite talk shows of the day..first maury, then tyra...she's not too bad, and then the best of all oprah...i'm starting to realize that I need to get on the ball. I need to pull the bull by the horns and say..hey k get up and do something! Stop moping about complaining about things that u do have control of! Right?

But then I had a bowl of fruity pebbles and decided that i'd get on the ball tomorrow. lol. Laziness overcomes me again. I guess i'm just happy to finally be able to sit down..lay down..walk around and do nothing. Its been a stressful year, and i feel like i'm in the relapse section. Lol. Where I can't push myself to be better..i just need to fall back. Falling back isn't so bad I guess.. i don't know. I think i'm rambling now. Well I guess I'll start with some real goals today.

Transform Me...

UnFaItHfUl..?

Maybe I could use some guidance on this one. Not sure how I feel or where to go..Or even where to start when it comes to solving this huge problem..that i have so graciously bestowed upon myself.

So.you kno those one true loves. Those young loves that you get to experience while growing up? Your first kiss? The first person to ever say I love you..? That one person who will always have a piece of your heart, no matter where you go or what you do? Yes, well i guess in many reasons I can say that I have been blessed to be able to keep that one person in my life. Its a long story..and i'll try to spare you the ridiculous details. Lets just get straight to the point and say that I freakin kissed his best friend! Yes, I know..scandalous huh?

Now this would obviously come as a shock to most people who know me, and would ask why did I do it? Something about this almost seems justified to me. Maybe because I haven't been with anyone in a long time. Maybe because his friend made the first moves. Maybe because he has been with women in comparison to me with men, one for like 10:1. Maybe because i'm jealous. Maybe because we weren't together then. I dont kno... Like I said, its a long story...and since i'm not the one to go into details, i guess i'll just take the fall as the scandalous bitch who gets in between friends. damnn..well there's more to talk about with this situation.. but i'm just going to leave it at that. Right now, i kno that i was wrong for letting it happen, i kno that. But could that be a form of unfaithfulness? I guess that question needs the information that me and him were not talking at the time. But we are now..oh shit..this is so messed up...yuck

Damnnn

I took a trip...

I can't even think right now. My mind is just foggy. I feel like i'm in pain, but i don't kno why. Let me just write and see what comes out...lol..its not like anyone is reading anyway..its just me. Its always ended up being just me...talking to my fuckin self...lol.

I took a trip.
I went on a long ass trip this weekend..from princeton, nj to Oneonta, NY. I had $100 bucks, and nothing else. I spent about $30 bucks on gas..and drove my ass all the way up to my "best friends" college to help her pack her things and bring her back to nyc..where she lives. My drive was hesitant. With very little money, and very little energy..and very shaky directions. I made the voyage. As I drove through the sun which turned into thunderstorms at various times, my car was without a stereo. But no problem..I'll just plug in my ipod and listen the whole way. I was afraid that it was going to be a difficult trip, but the entire moment of listening to music and seeing the beautiful scenery of the northern mountains put me at a different state. I felt good. My sweet car protected me from the thunder..and allowed the trickling rain to refresh my spirit as my favorite musiq pumped through my mini headphones. When a gospel song came out, I thought of my times in church when I first started singing. When a hot reggae beat came on, I thought of walking in a club with the hottest outfit, on my hottest possible body (even if it didn't exist at the moment. lol) and the prettiest hair, and the prettiest smile, and my target..a fine ass chocolate brother took me by the eyes, and our bodies grinded with each other from a distance. Its like mental sex or something! lol. When Nas came on, I felt the overwhelming sense of the struggle of my people..wishing that I knew the words to each of songs so that I could recite them like how the older guys would do when I was a little girl watching them play basketball or getting on the train. When lil Kim's foul words came through.. I enjoyed her vulgar use of language..and I even imagined myself in that way. Talking to men like how they talk about women in their songs. And then when the sweetest soulful tunes came through, it was like a call for me to get all prissy and girly..lol. Wishing that maybe in this long car ride..there would be that cutie from brooklyn right next to me...and we could nod our heads in sync to the soft tunes of MC, Mary, Beyonce..and all those great ones. And our eyes would play with each other..and maybe even hint to each other..to pull over..and get some quick nookie on the side of Interstate 95.

c'mon! not yet over the hill...!

Why is it that I look in the mirror everyday and find that I am overweight, overstressed, overtired, and overused? I'm freakin 21 not 40! And even at 40, i'd like to think of myself as a vibrant middle aged lady who's gonna get hers in every second that is left of her life. I've come to the realization today that I'm unhappy. Not clinically depressed, or sick or any of that shit. I'm just unhappy. With all of the responsibilities, that I put on myself, I have lost my youth. And i'm freaking 21! I'm so uptight, so moody and man can I bring you down! Since when did I become this, and why doesn't anyone ever tell me? Why is it that I have to go through a damn panic attack, and lose my hair and myself, before I can realize what is happening to me?

LOL. i am finding it amusing. Just three years ago, i had energy. Yeh I got sad sometimes, I got angry sometimes, shit even short-tempered, I even got jealous, but I also got happy, I got sexy, I got ambitious. It all worked well together. And I just don't know where the balance went off. But in any case, this summer.. i'm willing to sit here, and write and ponder..lol. And analyze..and go to the gym, and read, and enjoy , and become happier. It's ridiculous that I feel so overwhelmed at my age. It's ridiculous that I feel that I can't participate in the youth, in the sex, and the fun and shit. I'm not dead yet...so what the hell is going on?

Off da chest...

So summer is here! No kidding. And i'm feeling really good right now, not because i'm on a new diet plan, not because i'm getting off campus, not even because of any new guy in my life..nah. It just feels good. I look back at this year, and I see tons of mistakes that I made. Yeah, I talked about people behind their backs..but only cause they started the shit. Yeah I've made a few mistakes..but who hasn't? And since when was it important that K makes herself suffer for all of her mistakes..when bitches make mistakes left and right and still push my guilt on me? Yeah, I fess up to what I did wrong. And thats it. More than anything else, i'm going to live in the accomplishments..like passing fucking theory! And getting Outstanding Service Awards..! I may have swayed off the wrong track..but I got back on, and I can honestly say that everything that I did this year, from Resident Assistant to President of the Black and Hispanic Alliance, I did it because I had the best intentions. I did it out of love for my people..and for my skool.(even). So mistakes come and go, and i'm just going to leave it at that. I'm not going to regret a thing, because I needed to see what it was that I did wrong..so I can learn from myself..unlike many around here who just walk around like their shit is golden. I just pray that one day they'll realize that their shit is just as brown and mushy as the rest of ours! Wha wha!

One Day...(happy 21st)

I imagine that one day I am going to give up on wining and crying over my looks and my weight, making it seem as if i'm falling in a deep depression when in fact..there are children dying from starvation overseas. I imagine that one day, i'm going to stop bitching about my school work, when i remember that many of my people before me, never got the chance to go...instead..they were forced, threatened even..to not go to college. I imagine one day, that I am going to stop putting up a wall against love, when there are so many who died too young, or who grew too old, without even experience true love.

It seems as if i'm thoroughly blessed, but even then, i'm no where near happy. The more blessed I am...the more petty my problems become...isn't it ridiculous? I'm tired of feeling the way that I am, especially when there were so many before me, who never even got the privileges that i receive today. Its time for me to let go of the petty shit. It only brings me down, and it doesn't really get me anywhere.

Instead of crying over it all..I am going to let it go. And Let God. I'm not going to be afraid. For as long as I walk this earth, I want my life to be more than striving to be the most beautiful, fit, and attractive girl. I want it to be more than being the most popular, well-known, charismatic, and well-liked, And I want it to be more than my complaining that i'm lonely, and that i have no one...whatever K. It wont work anymore. Well...in fact..it never did. All the bitching and moaning, i'm still no better than how i was the day before, and the day before that. And mainly because these things should not be important. It's time for me to grow up. Even at 21..i've still yet to fall into the mind set of adulthood. Well, now i'm making it a priority.

12 Types of Men...

I found this to be interesting...

1. MR. THUG LIFE
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Real good at making love
b. Fun and exciting
c. Makes you laugh
d. Has your back, will fight and protect you

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Usually drinks and smokes too much
b. Always got drama
c. Stays a thug foreverd. In and out of jail

2. MR. NAW, I DON`T HAVE A GIRL
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will take you out in the beginning
b. Will introduce you to all his friends
c. Compliments you all the time

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Has a girlfriend who he`s been with since the 2nd grade
b. Will not get rid of her
c. He tells you about her after you`ve fallen in love with his*bleep*

3. MR. BIG BALLA
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will give you money with no questions asked
b. Has alot of style to him
c. Will show you some of the nice things in life

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Never returns your pages
b. Feels he can come to your house at any given time without calling first
c. Loves to be around his boys more than you.

4. MR. I`M IN THE INDUSTRY
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Can get you and your friends on the guest list at all the jumpin parties
b. Can have a decent stimulating conversation
c. Tends to dress nice

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. You don`t know if he`s gay, straight or bi
b. Seems flighty when you speak of a solid commitment
c. You still have to wait in line to get in all the jumpin parties, then there`s drama at the door
d. All he has is a bunch of pictures with celebrities but he doesn`t know any of them personally

5. MR. INTELLECTUAL
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Book smart
b. Cares about how you feel
c. Has a very good job

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Boring as hell
b. Doesn`t know what the hell he`s doin in bed
c. He is not street smart
d. Always asking you when can he see you again

6. MR. GHETTO
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. THE BOMB IN BED!!!!!
b. Makes you laugh
c. Got mad style and flava
d. Has a temper, but generally a charming sweet guy
e. Says he want a real relationship

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. He got 3 or more baby mommy`s
b. Wants to lay up in your crib, use the phone, and eat up all the food
c. Is in denial when you tell him about himself
d. Comes home at 3:00 am and says he was out with his boys

7. MR. I`M A RIGHTEOUS BLACK MAN
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will teach you about black history
b. Revolutionary
c. Inspiring & gives to you spiritually &emotionally
d. Wants a wife and family

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Breaks up with you for a white girl
b. Mo money-doesn`t have a job
c.Doesn`t own a nice suit, always wearing camouflage and sweats
d. In the end, you find out he is just a trifling, con motha*bleep*

8. MR. TOO DAMN GOOD
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will introduce you to his mother
b. Has a job and will take you out
c. Will give you money for your bills if you need it
d. Sometimes he goes to church on Sunday

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Sometimes he goes or church on Sunday
b. Secretly wants to be Mr. Thug Life
c. Wears fake Movado &Rolex watches when he goes to the club
d. Ignores you when the game is on because he takes sports too serious-He didn`t make it professionally
e.You find out after you break up with him that he was cheating on you

9. MR. PLAYA

>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will tell you the truth - that you`re not the only one
b. Sometimes he`s fairly decent in bed
c. He tells you that you`ve changed him and he`s ready to settle down
d. Has his own apartment and car (invites you to move in with him)

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. He doesn`t acknowledge you in public, especially if there`s women around
b. Generally he is a punk (won`t stand up for anything)
c. He expects you to believe all his lies just because he told you the truth about other women
d. After you catch his lyin` *bleep*, he tells you that he told you that he was a playa in the beginning anyway

10. MR. I HAVE A JOB
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Of course.... he has a job
b. Doesn`t have too many bad habits
c. Will take care of you when you`re sick
d. Tells you that he is in love with you

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. You stay in the relationship 2 years or more and then find out he`s a shiftless, lazy son-of-a-*bleep* who wants you to do all the wifely duties but won`t give you a ring.
b. He ends up telling you that he loves you, but is not "in love" with you
c. After he leaves you he gets married a month later

11. MR. BEST FRIEND
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. He`s your best friend, you tell each other everything; you get along very, very well
b. He gives you advice when you and your man are having problems
c. The ultimate gentleman
d. Sweet and caring with a good sense of humor

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. You end up hooking up with him only to find he ain`t about *bleep* either!
b. Now, you gotta find a new best friend because you can`t stand his *bleep*no more

12. MR. RIGHT
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. He loves God and takes his relationship with God seriously
b. He is intellectual, brilliant, and capable of taking you there mentally and emotionally
c. He will love you even when you are not lovable
d. He has a career and not a job!
e. He acknowledges his faults and strives to be a better man
f. He understands a relationship is built on a 200% quota - 100% him and 100% you
g. He doesn`t have a bunch of kids and babies mommas - he`s smarter than that.
h. He is a true best friend and everything you ever wanted in a man
i. He was cute when you met him. But, after spending sometime you see he`s fine as hell!
j. He can dress - knows the difference b/t formal, semi-formal, professional, business casual, casual, and since we are just chilling let me throw on some sweats and a fitted hat
h. He loves his mother and respects women

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. You`ve never met him and if you did he already has a girl/wife.

....breaking

i am reaching my breaking point. It's coming like how an orgasm can easily sneak up on you and then for some reason regains speed and takes over your entire being. Yeh..well..too bad breaking points don't feel at all similar to breaking points.

Numb..yeh. thats it. I'm so numb, i don't care about anything..and i think that i am truly falling into depression. and i don't know what to do. In my case, there isn't anyone to blame...its just me..me thats creating this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I feel like i don't belong..and maybe even that its not essential for me to even exist.

whats the use..? u kno?

this isn't suicide folks...its just a cry for some company.

livin'


there's something about life and living that is just no longer appealing to me.
I don't see how it would be beneficial for me to keep treading through..with dreams and goals that will never be met. I'd rather not go through it all, then see myself fall into another failure. Kno what i'm sayin?

I think it would be better for all of us..if a certain person were to just slip away from the scene. I highly doubt if anyone would notice anyways..lol. Truthfully.. i'm not suicidal, i'm just defeated.

Another Twist...with a Lemoned beat

Who ever said that I was the lucky one...was very mistaken.

For the past two weeks, i have managed to experience a myriad of emotions and feelings. Its amazing..how I am still somewhat mentally healthy...or maybe i'm not..and all this time i thought it was something else. So um.. lets begin..

Lets start with some personal business. Lets start with the fact that less than two weeks ago, i was a 20 year old virgin. (Thank God not 40 year-old, as i have dreaded for a long time.) Yes ladies and gents, i finally lost it. I came to terms the day after that I didn't regret it..as much as i should have. It was with someone who was...important to me..although we weren't together. And it wasn't a planned or forced ordeal. It just happened. Biggest problem with this lies for the fact that I am talking to someone else of whom I am deeply interested in. So..the day after, i began to feel the utmost guilt that I had sex with someone else other than him. Halfway through that day, i came to terms with it. I can't take it back. And well..the person that I lost it to, was my first love, someone whom i entrusted myself with, and the person who i'm talking to, well...we are no where near the relationship mark. So to get through my day...i allowed it to past. To look beyond it.

And then the next day came....
And i discovered that my first love, my first kiss, my first sexual partner was actually with someone else at the same time that he was sweet talkin me the weekend before. And at this point...i just felt crushed. I felt dumb, i felt like a hoe, and i felt like every other dopey girl who gives up her shit to some sweet lovin' boy.

Yeup. drama is my game these days ya'll. So, how am i supposed to feel about the entire situation? I don't kno. I don't even know what is right, i just know that i'm regretting every single choice to do what i did. And after waiting beyond all of my friends... i thought that this was the one decision that would be right..no regrets...and yet still!!!...it was not.

to be continued. ..

Doin..Doin it..an Doin it Again.


You guys..
I've gotta do something about the way i'm feeling and looking. I'm beyond the point of burnt out. I'm freakin' dried black and sticking to the pot.lol. I can't keep going like this...making myself work from 8am till 11pm or 12am at night. eventually..i'm going to collapse..for real.

I've been trying to get myself to commit to being healthier..and I just need to really stick with it this time. I don't know, I don't even have faith in myself. I haven't gotten anything right now to motivate me..except for the mere daydreams of me..being happy, healthy, and together.

It's time for me to begin ..Again. And I don't kno if i'll fail again or what. I know..i'm getting tired of it too..but i've gotta keep tryin. Please...please..please..i hope i can do it this time.

I haven't decided how to do this... South Beach or Weight Watchers?

Lets look at the Pros and Cons of both...

South Beach Diet

The South Beach Diet emphasizes normal portions of lean proteins such as fish and chicken; unlimited amounts of low-glycemic-index vegetables; ample amounts of healthy fats such as olive and canola oil, nuts and avocados; and small portions of "healthy carbs" found in fruit and less-processed grains. By following this way of eating, the plan promises positive changes in markers of cardiovascular health: lower cholesterol, LDL cholesterol and triglyceride levels, along with increased HDL cholesterol levels.

There are three phases in this diet. Phase I is the most restrictive and lasts for two weeks. It emphasizes lean proteins, fat-free or low-fat cheese, nuts, eggs, tofu, legumes, healthy types of fat and low-glycemic-index vegetables. Phase II reintroduces fruit, whole grain bread, rice, pasta and fat-free milk and yogurt. Dieters stay on Phase II until they've lost their desired amount of weight. Phase III is for maintenance and should be followed for life. Dieters are encouraged to move back and forth between the different phases as needed to maintain their weight loss.

upside

There's a welcome emphasis on whole grains, fruits and vegetables that is often lacking in many low-carb diet plans.
• The South Beach Diet encourages three balanced meals plus snacks if necessary, and allows a lot of flexibility in food choices.
• The author, cardiologist Arthur Agatston, MD, encourages eating all the types of foods known to prevent heart disease, including nuts, monounsaturated fats like olive and canola oil, soy products, whole grains and fruits and vegetables.

downside

The glycemic index is used to encourage the consumption of certain types of grains, fruits and vegetables. Major U.S. health associations such as the American Diabetes Association and the American Dietetic Association do not endorse using the glycemic index for weight control or in planning menus for people with diabetes. Eliminating some healthy foods just because they have a high glycemic index number doesn't make sense for every person.
• Some people may follow Phase I for long periods of time (although this is not recommended), which can cause deficiencies of several nutrients including fiber and calcium.


-The most appealing to me with this diet is the fact that it has great results of helping your overall health
-the rapid weight loss of 5-7 lbs sounds like a great idea..but seriously is it healthy?


Weight Watchers (taken from ivillage)

The new Winning Points plan is based on a point system, where every food is assigned a number of points based on its fat, fiber and calorie content. Each person is assigned a daily points range designed to help them lose weight. Weight Watchers doesn't provide a list of forbidden foods or tell you what you can or can't eat. Instead, their current focus is to provide the information, knowledge, tools and motivation you need to develop your own successful long-term weight management plan.

-long term weight management is what i'm all about!! Also, i have something that says...yes...this..and no this..when often i'm not sure if what i'm eating really is good for me.

upside

The group support is often fun and encouraging, the meal plans are based on sound health principles, and the new Winning Points program allows all foods to be enjoyed as long as you can fit in their "points." Weight Watchers groups are found virtually everywhere, including many work locations and online.

- i actually not too fond of going and meeting with other people to talk about how fat i am..and doesn't this cost even more money?

downside

If you're looking for that magical diet that will cause weight to "melt off" -- you won't want this healthy, commonsense plan.
durationIndefinite

"I've been on and off Weight Watchers over the years, and the only thing about it that turned me away was the cost. The weekly fee can be high, plus all the extras like food scales, measuring cups, magazines, etc., which are all visibly displayed at meeting centers." --iVillager cahi

CONS

-Cost is the big factor with Weight Watchers..i'm already financially in debt!

-Calculating my own food everyday will be a habit that i'll have to freakin pound into my habits..i have vitamins sitting right on my desk..and I have yet to make it a habit to take them!

PROS

-There is something that allows me to calculate everything..it tells me no and yes, without my having to guess

- The food at school could be easily calculated into it, I just have to know which to say yes to..and what proportions to take them.

...So i'm going to think it through this weekend..and get back to this.

entrapped in jealousy

i'm like a ticking time bomb. You never kon w when my countdown begins, but when its time.. i explode.. like crazy!

Why am I so jealous? Its like a curse. Something that I just can't stop. I blame it on my sign...being a Taurus ain't easy! LOL. But for me, that astrology stuff is just for fun...i'm finding more and more that I am entrapped in jealousy. I can't let go of it. And I really wish I could.

I'm not going to tell the stories..cause in the end they'll just feel like petty, high school shyt. But in any case..i really wish I could shake this jealousy thing off. I hate feeling it, I hate submitting to it, I hate who I am when it overtakes me. I'm just a different person...ready and set to knock off anyone who gets in my way.

The worst part is getting out of it. When it finally wears off...I have to figure out how to clean up the mess that I created when I was in it. People are all distant from me because I gave them the evil eye and shit.

Its not cool. Not at all.

I SEE ME

I see my potential has no limits.

As far as the stars can bleed into the universe..

I see me...flying

I see no one ahead of me...

As I race through the streets in my sweet ride

Passing by

...looking fly

..not a sigh, but a dry eye

as I see me.

Feeling the breeze sweep past my sweet skin,

enjoying each and every moment that is

left and longing.

I see a beautiful, tangy, caramel girl.

Unable to lift her chin to a world

that has locked it..

down since the beginning.

I see what I can be.

I see what I must do.

I see what I want to become.

And still I choose not to...

Do what I can do.

Be more than I can be.

I see the obstacles that dance and prace in front of me

Blocking me from my dreams

from my desires.

I see me walking away..

defeated. Unwilling. Unable..

I see me..

Can I ..?

One day, pull the sword out and slash them one by one?

Can I bring myself forward?

Can I win?...Over myself?

I see me...

see me..?

See you...see me?

See me see you?

See WE

Lets See Through.

dreaming....

My mind is full of dreams. Tons and tons of dreams that I wish would come true. I guess I always sing the sad story of never having anyone..but its so true. And all I have are my dreams..they keep me company, they entertain me, and most of all they give me hope that one day I can be what i've dreamed to be. But so far, i'm only filled with disappointment. Attempted dreams that fall instantly. It hurts..it hurts to have such hope..and to have it crushed....by not anyone else..but myself.

See it in Me...

I don't see how it is that I can push my friends to their limits. But, i'm scared of pushing myself. I am such a freakin' punk! Right? I'm so ready to just give up on everything. I'm realizing now why its so much easier for me to be by myself and then just sit and complain. Its so much easier than getting out there and meeting people and what not. Its such a risk.

Sooo...boys. Or atleast one.

OMG. So where do i start?

BG is mad cool. I really do like him. And Im feeling kind of vulnerable. I'm really trying to fight for myself to just let go of it all..you know? Because of the past events this weekend...between them discovering the "real me"..from the laughs, snores, embarassment beyond measure..its hard for me.

I dont know. I just want to do things right. I don't want to hurt myself, in fact i want to protect myself. But I don't want to shield myself so much that I end up missing opportunities. This weekend I feel like I left myself to be vulnerable. And it'll only be a short time before I figure out if it was worth it. My guess is...I scared him away. And that kind of makes me really ...well..to be honest...its just straight up sad.

Today was overwhelming. I realized that I had to get back to reality ..and it wasn't fun. I just hate walking through these days on eggshells. But thats exactly what is happening. And with all the work that I do, I guess it still isn't enough. I'm ready to let it go, and to not worry about it like that you know?

In any case, I'm lonely. Very lonely. Nothing else to really say. No other way to hide it anymore. I'm ready to be with someone. I just wish it would come soon. But I guess, I'll have to accept that patience is key! Right?

I'm getting better at this. I am...serious!

Oh my, but i really do like him.
shit..what have i gotten myself into?

bITcHEs!!!!!!


iN My Book They are all bitches!!
This whole vibe from this ridiculous school is going to fuckin' drive me crazy!!! Yo, I'm so done with it!!!! I'm so done.

You can't fuckin trust anyone. You can't even be yourself, cause these bitches just take your fucking soul away. And what the fuck did I do to them??? All I ever do is work my ass off so that they can have the best. Nah i'm not trying to cop out again and say that maybe I need to "analyze myself"..."K, what is it that you are doing wrong today?" Fuck that shyt! I do my best... and that shit should be good enough. Fuck this shit. Fuck this school. I'm out in a year and a half..and thats the least that I can say about all of you bitches who keep crying and moaning ...and you think your ass is going someplace...but you are going to end up in the same ass spot that you fucking stupid, ignorant nigga ass began in the first place.

You disgrace me.

You disappoint me.


I'm through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!