Can't Sleep...:(


So its late. And I've gotta get up in the morning to go sit behind a cash register for five hours. Five hours of my life wasted away behind a cash register so that I can sort of make money to survive in this god forsaken world. I'm so upset. And I so don't belong here.lol. There are many reasons why I honestly think that my existence on this earth is a waste of time. Firstly, I HATE working. I hate getting up for work and I hate being at work. And I hate waiting for work to end. Work is something that I am just not sure I can get used to. Work must die! I absolutely despise it and hate every aspect of it.

Second, I have a thing with consistency and maintenance that never seems to work. Lets talk about this for a second. This issue or lack there of in being consistent has been the downfall of everything that i have worked for..thus far in my life. Singing... losing weight... even intelligence...all of these are examples of my talents that have lost their quality due to my inconsistency to practice, inconsistency to get on a diet and exercise regime and stick to it, and inconsistency to study! I am a lost cause... because I do see myself as someone who can go very far... yet, I can see how I can easily be my own downfall to my dreams and goals.

Furthermore, my lack of consistency and maintenance is going to show forth with my relationship with this boy. I can see it already. First of all, I have NEVER been good at relationships period. And only my closest friends have remained my closest friends because they have learned to accept this. I don't know how to conduct myself in relationships...so I do what I do best...and I just be me. I am me when i'm moody, i am me when i've got my period, i am me when i'm happy, and i am me when i'm pissed. I don't try to hide anything... not really. So, being in a relationship with this guy is going to be difficult. I don't know how to maintain this relationship. And as much as I want to.. I see it as an obligation to call him and talk to him sometimes. Its like when you play that computer game...SIMS. You have to take care of your people. And there is this one section where you must make sure they talk to people everyday and maintain their relationships by talking in person or talking on the phone...otherwise..their social bar will decrease, will send them into depression, and then its hard to progress in the game. Well thats how i see some of my relationships....I see them as a social bar that I have to fulfill. This is how it is with BG..and its so hard. There are days when I'm dying to talk to him. And then there are times when I just need to be by myself..no matter if I want to talk to him or not. I just need to keep him out for a lil bit so i can focus. But I feel like i've got to call him everyday and make sure that he's okay everyday ...o i dnt kno