The Single Girl's Guide to Livin'...Intro

Soooo lets just start from the beginning. Before I give you my own ideas on how to approach a relationship..i think it would be best to let you in on how I started on this merry ride to single loving and living...

I went to high school in the city..nyc. So that included me taking the train every morning to school. It was on the damn E train that I realized the qualities that I needed in order to build myself up to be a successful single woman. I remember sitting on the train watching these guys talk to this girl. She was pretty..a typical nyc teenager..dressed and dripped in the hottest gear..with a banging ass weave..lol. As soon as she got off..the guys were right on a new girl.

I went home that night and took a good look in the mirror. Well, first I watched about an hour of musiq videos...but then.. I took a look in the mirror. I had no money for any flashy clothing. So my clothes were jeans and t-shirts..thats it. My hair..long, but not a weave. And my body....? no where near. Now you see, I think i had always had instilled within me a self-conscious view that said that I was not pretty. But it was in these crucial years of high school that I began to truly believe it.

After those days of discovery, I devided that I couldn't take it. I couldn't sit and watch these cute guys..talk to girl after girl. It didn't even matter to me that they were switchin up girls after every stop. What mattered the most was that I was never chosen. From then on, whenever I got on a train where there were cute guys... i decided to change cars so that I wouldn't disappoint myself. I went through my high school years alone. Completely alone. And I wasn't really a "geek" or a tv-show "nerd". I was still myself, wrapped up in musiq everyday after school. But walking around with this self-hatred feeling. I went to prom alone..without anyone. And I had never had a bf ..at all. Now most would sit and mope. And to be honest, I did then, and I still do now when I think of myself.

I realized at an early age, that I was just plain different. Just...different. And nobody appreciated it..including myself. And I went through this phase in which nothing was really important to me..not even combing my hair..not even brushing my teeth. And to this day..these qualities still haunt me. Now that I'm in New Jersey, I can't change cars anymore..but..I do find myself doing similar things in which I just avoid the situation completely..in order to defend myself. Defend my feelings. I had a counseling session this past semester because I felt like I was at the edge. And I shared with the counselor about the way I handle boys..and her question was.."What is the worst thing that could happen if you did get rejected from a boy?" And I couldn't figure out the words then. I just knew that the result would be unbearable. ..I think now.. my answer might be because I am afraid of proving myself right..that i'm not womanly, that i'm not feminine, that i'm not beautiful..and there's nothing I can do about it!

My first advice to women comes from my initial experiences growing up in this generation. The backbone to a single life..is pure strength. Physical strength is important, but mental and emotional strength is the key to keep yourself ahead..and focused. Please...don't judge me for my words...i hope you'll be able to understand where i'm coming from..and just give things a try..you will never know.

until next time...

Summer...thus far

I am amazed at how my "summer" is coming along. Quite a bit is happening..and i'm not sure how to feel, where to start, and more than anything..i'm afraid of how it will end..

Lets first talk about how I am attending this performing arts workshop,and it is ultimately busting my butt. It is simply bringing my work ethic to the surface. It showing me that I really have to buckle down...people keep saying everyday.."If you can't do this..then you should forget about this business." How encouraging they are! Its quite difficult for me..and I am finding myself falling into the same insecurities..being the only black music theatre artist..continues to plague me everywhere i go. I always feel like I have to work harder..and every little thing makes me feel like everyone is doing something different, or treating me differently..because i'm Black. I know most of it isn't true...but even an inkling of it is enough to discourage me even further. I think I'll definetly touch upon this issue a little more as I begin to blog for this summer. In the end, I know that it is me who creates the biggest obstacle..because I am the one who is thinking about that issue rather than working harder on my pieces. I've gotta find a way..some sort of solution in which I can just kill my insecurities and focus on the most necessary deed at hand.

Well, what a mouthful. But lets just touch on this a bit. So guys... I'm "talking" to someone. In the ancient days..some may consider it "Courting", in New Jersey it is called "hooking up", In the NY we use "talking". Now i'm not sure if I should be considered "talking" to this person at age 21. I missed the memo that told me if that was just for the highschool folks or not. Well, wow I'm getting ahead of myself..lets back up a bit.

So basically theres this guuyyyy...lol. Yeup. Can you believe it? Wait..can you believe that I haven't been this involved with someone for like 6 years? Shit, (excuse the french..but i'm just entirely too shocked) its been a long time. And well, i'm not "involved" per say...wow, i never knew how words could really throw the idea in the wrong direction. But again, anyways...This guy, he's great! I mean, I've never met anyone like him, and to be honest I never thought that a guy like him would even be interested. But its not his looks..I mean he's cute and all..but its more of his demeanor. He's..."sooo not my type"..in the diva voice. But I think this is what attracts me. A solid Brooklyn boy, who is in love with musiq and seems to be genuinely interested. He's a whole lot more experienced, smokes weed on a regular basis, and has the tendency to break things when he's angry. Now, some of these qualities I do not agree with, but in the end...all of his qualities excite me and keep me interested. But the thing that I find is... despite all of my insecurities in approaching a relationship, he doesn't seem to mind them. He doesn't mind my quirky-ness (even as a black woman), he seems to respect my intelligence, he's had many sex partners..but doesn't seem to push sex on me...hmmm, he's in love with musiq (i'm telling you ....musiq is the connecting language to all species!), and most importantly he's interested in me...ooo wait...even more importantly..he calls! lol.

I'm afraid to fallll....I'm happy to have this opportunity to just meet someone... you know. To say that I'm now apart of the dating thing...But more than anything else...I'm just treading on egg shells cause i'm afraid to fall for him..and get hurt just the same. And I find myself..trying to PRETEND that it doesn't bother me when he doesn't call everyday. Its hard... this whole THING... this whole "getting to know you" ordeal can be really nerve wracking. In the end..I am loving it. I listen to his musiq..not just because its good and capturing, but because then I can hear his voice. ....(sick huh?) And I think about him a whole...llot! Well, we'll see...we'll see.

Alright then!

I am beginning to realize that I am my own damn obstacle! Its quite funny you see. Because God seems to like to throw fireballs at my friends... got them running around like lunatics trying to stray away from getting themselves burned. So they run this way..thinking that the damn fire ain't gonna get them.. but the damn shit does! It always does..cause you can't mess with God. Little do they know that all they have to do is stop and pray for some healing water. ...Whatever..excuse my tangent. So, my friends and families seem to have things going on in their lives that is just straight up fucked up. You know? And it kinda sucks for them...I'm not gonna lie. Especially when that shit comes right at the prime of your life when you think that you are finally accomplishing something..and then you get a damn problem..and damn obstacle.

Lucky for me.. i've only faced a few... i'm sure there are more to come. But I have a feeling that God is sitting in his big platinum chair right now.. just chillin...and snickering at me. He can't give me any more damn problems.. because I create my own ones! I am beginning to realize that I truly am my own obstacle. I create these crazy ideas in my head..and I tell myself some bullshit..and I stray....far far..out of where I need to be. Well if I'll be damned! I don't know if whether i should stop so that I could finally allow myself to get ahead... or should I keep doing it...cause the problems I give myself...will never match up for the problems that are in store...Right? lol. Now how weird do you feel reading this entry? It can't be any more weird than I feel writing it.