hurting....
I am so distraught... i hope thats the right words.
Soooo whats going on? I'm 20 years old, Black/african american music major. I've been with music my whole life...and nothing else..and no one else.
And i'm finding that I am so unhappy. All this time, i've been claiming how music is the only thing to keep me sane...but i'm struggling right now. I feel like with all of my responsibilities, that I'm being pulled in all directions. I can't hold on to me anymore. And my family?....Its still holding on, but its really hard to keep them with me. And my friends?..oh God! They are quickly fading....quickly. It hurts. Well I is getting this great deal. She's becoming a model. Got the baddest pictures to prove it....I used to be able to connect with her, because we both had low-esteem, not too great skin, but morals to build a brick wall...but now she's changing. And I know that she is changing for the better..she's gaining more confidence..she's getting more beautiful because of it...but she's leaving me. She's finding new people..she's just totally different. And for me.. I just feel hurt, cause she's not taking me for the ride.
And then T, who has this boyfriend..whom she is on and off about actually liking him, but is all about having sex with him. She talks about him..all the time, and she simply asks me to do everything for her..and it kills me.
And then there's H, who seemed to be interested in being cool with me, but instead it seemed as though she had a better person whom she cared about...and our friendship just suffered because of it.
Listen, I don't want my friends to turn back into who they were before. I know that they are happy...I just wish that they would have taken me with them..u know?
So i'm just here by myself. And i'm so scared for this year, cause I really feel by myself this time. I don't know what to do. I'm slowly losing my motivation to keep going....What keeps me going today is catching up to my friends...and that shit is obviously not working.
So what is it that I have? Musiq? I've always said that music was my love, my life. And it is...but its also gradually becoming my hiding spot. I just hide right behind it, and try to forget about all the things that are really striking me down.
I'm so lost...
Monday, January 23, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
....pitiful
Men..blah ...blah... blah..bleh...bleahhhh
They suck. You wanna know why? Cause there aren't much of them left, and they are pulling themselves into their own deterioration.
Sometimes, I just wonder how much longer until they are all gone. And then the world will be full of flaming bitches, pulling out hair, scratching, biting and converting to lesbanism. Not a cool sight huh?
Nah, not cool at all.
I don't know. I think i'm just bitter. Yeah, I said it. Bitter like the lemon juice that trickles down the back of your funkyass throat! lol. A bitter black woman.You want to know why i'm bitter? Shit I'd love to share with you! Maybe its because of the fact that I say "Luv u" to girls all freakin' day long. Maybe its because I just can't get a word in amongst the well-prepared, well-manicured vixens who stay waiting for a guy that they can take over. Maybe its because I'm mad that I'm stuck. Stuck with myself...and my bitterness..lol. (ha..i sound ridiculous)
I'm mad that I have to take beatings from past guys who'll never let go of my heart, but who'll break it when they please.
I can't believe this is me speaking. Lil' ol happy me has grown into a short, erupting mess. I'm tired of crying, and complaining, and shit i'm just tired of being lonely. I'm tired of making excuses, i'm tired of leaving myself to be run-over by everyone and their moms.
I'm tired of letting my past continue to control my life.....
My biggest fear isn't being broke. I'm not afraid of being a musician. I'm not afraid of speaking my mind....
I'm afraid of settling...
And yet, it seems like its the only thing i've been doing...all my life. I feel like i've been putting people first before me, and its just not in my nature to do for me. You know? I guess maybe because I always felt like I had it good. I had two parents, I had a home, I even had a freakin dog...!...I mean how much better can it get right? And so I let myself up to those who I felt were less fortunate. And I offer myself....and I give myself. And it makes me wonder if I had gone back, and done for me...would i be as bitter? If I hadn't let people run over me, If I had spoken my mind...would I have stayed with jq even? I mean why in the hell do I still like him anyways...when all our relationship ever was was me trying to be something I wasn't. People telling me what I should do to make him happy. People telling me how "white" I am... how "too smart"..how "too proper"....Did I ever tell you that people are full of shit? Huh? ha! I bet you knew already....well this bitch just found out...
Fortunate..yeah...
so fucking fortunate...
so fucking pitiful if u ask me.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Recover Me...Higgs
Unfortunately, I am obsessed with everyone else but myself. Even though this is supposed to be where I can be a little more specific with my problems, I am going to call the subject "Higgs" instead of by her real name. So, for some reason I can't seem to get this Higgs off my shoulder. She's like a flying gnat that wont go away. I guess, i'm so used to just deleting people out of my life, and its so easy to just walk away from them. But, I have to see Higgs everyday and its not cool. I think it may have something to do with my own jealous streak. I don't know. I must sound real random.
Higgs is similar to me in many ways. Yes, this is true. But as I have said before, I can't deal with her because I can't trust her. She seems to say one thing and think the other. She claims to want to be close to me as a friend, but I can remember way back when, when she did things that didn't seem very friendly. Like when we went to S's house for his departure, and she ignored me, begging me to take pictures of her with everyone else. I'll never forget the day when she was trying to be close to me and we were going through her album...and she was like "i don't know why i don't have pictures of me and you." ha. you do?
I think in all cases, Higgs is still young and mature. And the main reason that I am so obsessed with this situation is because I really needed someone to be there for me. Someone in the flesh. I needed someone to really seem like they care, and to stick by their word. I've seen her do it to her other closer friends, but she has yet to really show me that side of her. And I just feel lost. Cause I let my trust go i her, and i feel like Higgs just let me down. She just ripped it into shreds. So, in order for me to cleanse myself of such obsessions, of such hurt, I think it would be good for me to use this post to list all of the things that I really can't stand about Higgs. So ...ha.. I promise you that this will be updated often. This is not going to be a bitch session. But maybe if I can point out the things that I can't stand, then I can acknowledge them. Then I can learn when or when I should not try to fight. I can learn what ticks me off. And then I can be sane again. Lets try this.
OOOOoooo, before I start this let me just get this out of the way...Being Christian and all, its going to weigh in my mind that I am pointing out faults, and not pointing out my faults... I want to clear this for myself... that this is not to point the finger at Higgs, but to show to myself what ticks me off.... trust me... I know that I can trust myself..that I'm willing to point out my own faults...
Things I hate about Higgs...
1. She screams at her parents, she even curses at them.
2. She writes these passive aggressive emails, and then apologizing for not meaning to sound that way.
3. She plans to dedicate herself to things, like meetings, events, and then backs out of them.
4. Every conversation is a possible threat to her...and is sometimes...nothing about her
5. She as a Greek woman, is holding Black men.. as the ALL SAY in her situations (Its okay. I can speak about Black people..cause i'm Black too....)
6. She speaks as though she knows everything, and is right about everything
7. She is quick to get emotional.
8. She uses her tears as weapons.
9. She considers herself when aiding other people. Its not about you...its about them.
10. She is defensive towards people she sees as beneath her, but will not fight up against people that she sees as higher than her. ..Like her Black Male friends. (No one is higher than you but God.)
Okay... thats enough bitching for me right now. Until next time...
Unfortunately, I am obsessed with everyone else but myself. Even though this is supposed to be where I can be a little more specific with my problems, I am going to call the subject "Higgs" instead of by her real name. So, for some reason I can't seem to get this Higgs off my shoulder. She's like a flying gnat that wont go away. I guess, i'm so used to just deleting people out of my life, and its so easy to just walk away from them. But, I have to see Higgs everyday and its not cool. I think it may have something to do with my own jealous streak. I don't know. I must sound real random.
Higgs is similar to me in many ways. Yes, this is true. But as I have said before, I can't deal with her because I can't trust her. She seems to say one thing and think the other. She claims to want to be close to me as a friend, but I can remember way back when, when she did things that didn't seem very friendly. Like when we went to S's house for his departure, and she ignored me, begging me to take pictures of her with everyone else. I'll never forget the day when she was trying to be close to me and we were going through her album...and she was like "i don't know why i don't have pictures of me and you." ha. you do?
I think in all cases, Higgs is still young and mature. And the main reason that I am so obsessed with this situation is because I really needed someone to be there for me. Someone in the flesh. I needed someone to really seem like they care, and to stick by their word. I've seen her do it to her other closer friends, but she has yet to really show me that side of her. And I just feel lost. Cause I let my trust go i her, and i feel like Higgs just let me down. She just ripped it into shreds. So, in order for me to cleanse myself of such obsessions, of such hurt, I think it would be good for me to use this post to list all of the things that I really can't stand about Higgs. So ...ha.. I promise you that this will be updated often. This is not going to be a bitch session. But maybe if I can point out the things that I can't stand, then I can acknowledge them. Then I can learn when or when I should not try to fight. I can learn what ticks me off. And then I can be sane again. Lets try this.
OOOOoooo, before I start this let me just get this out of the way...Being Christian and all, its going to weigh in my mind that I am pointing out faults, and not pointing out my faults... I want to clear this for myself... that this is not to point the finger at Higgs, but to show to myself what ticks me off.... trust me... I know that I can trust myself..that I'm willing to point out my own faults...
Things I hate about Higgs...
1. She screams at her parents, she even curses at them.
2. She writes these passive aggressive emails, and then apologizing for not meaning to sound that way.
3. She plans to dedicate herself to things, like meetings, events, and then backs out of them.
4. Every conversation is a possible threat to her...and is sometimes...nothing about her
5. She as a Greek woman, is holding Black men.. as the ALL SAY in her situations (Its okay. I can speak about Black people..cause i'm Black too....)
6. She speaks as though she knows everything, and is right about everything
7. She is quick to get emotional.
8. She uses her tears as weapons.
9. She considers herself when aiding other people. Its not about you...its about them.
10. She is defensive towards people she sees as beneath her, but will not fight up against people that she sees as higher than her. ..Like her Black Male friends. (No one is higher than you but God.)
Okay... thats enough bitching for me right now. Until next time...
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Brushing Out the Fog
Hello, New Year. Welcome to Newer numbers, newer months, new beginnings, new resolutions, and new ways to come back to the same problems.
I'm tired of my own bullshit. Yeh, that's it. I'm ready to do it differently this year. To take out the fog, so that I can see my destination on the other side. What is my destination u say....pure happiness.. is what the typical answer would be. But obviously, that is almost unaccessible. So what am I looking for? Pure Passion. I'm looking for a newer me, who walks with a different light, who knows what she wants, who loves her family and friends and fully devoted to those who she trusts, who is not afraid of ignorant people, and who is ready to stand for what she wants, despite her 5'2 frame.
I think that it is obvious that I get into these one year problems, where I am always running into that one person, who makes things kinda difficult. And I look back, and I look for patterns, but the people keep changing. And its still me who is getting fed up, who is losing battles, and who is slowly deteriorating, becoming a final product of Westminster's tradition, ignorance and deceit. It is me, who is the common denomication, the common factor, the same.
So the first question goes to figure out, what is it that I'm doing wrong? What am I missing? And at this point, I haven't figured it out. I see that people like Stephanie and Helen, only control me, in a way of which I am obsessed with their distrust. I can't deal with them. They make me feel like I have to constantly watch my back, and I've become their own puppet. The funny thing is, this may not be th case with them. What I'm seeing more and more is that I can't solve it. Cause I'm the one who is creating the fog. I'm the one who is getting in my own way.
I'm not sure what the solution is, but I'm beginning to find that the problem is me.
Hello, New Year. Welcome to Newer numbers, newer months, new beginnings, new resolutions, and new ways to come back to the same problems.
I'm tired of my own bullshit. Yeh, that's it. I'm ready to do it differently this year. To take out the fog, so that I can see my destination on the other side. What is my destination u say....pure happiness.. is what the typical answer would be. But obviously, that is almost unaccessible. So what am I looking for? Pure Passion. I'm looking for a newer me, who walks with a different light, who knows what she wants, who loves her family and friends and fully devoted to those who she trusts, who is not afraid of ignorant people, and who is ready to stand for what she wants, despite her 5'2 frame.
I think that it is obvious that I get into these one year problems, where I am always running into that one person, who makes things kinda difficult. And I look back, and I look for patterns, but the people keep changing. And its still me who is getting fed up, who is losing battles, and who is slowly deteriorating, becoming a final product of Westminster's tradition, ignorance and deceit. It is me, who is the common denomication, the common factor, the same.
So the first question goes to figure out, what is it that I'm doing wrong? What am I missing? And at this point, I haven't figured it out. I see that people like Stephanie and Helen, only control me, in a way of which I am obsessed with their distrust. I can't deal with them. They make me feel like I have to constantly watch my back, and I've become their own puppet. The funny thing is, this may not be th case with them. What I'm seeing more and more is that I can't solve it. Cause I'm the one who is creating the fog. I'm the one who is getting in my own way.
I'm not sure what the solution is, but I'm beginning to find that the problem is me.
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