One Day...(happy 21st)

I imagine that one day I am going to give up on wining and crying over my looks and my weight, making it seem as if i'm falling in a deep depression when in fact..there are children dying from starvation overseas. I imagine that one day, i'm going to stop bitching about my school work, when i remember that many of my people before me, never got the chance to go...instead..they were forced, threatened even..to not go to college. I imagine one day, that I am going to stop putting up a wall against love, when there are so many who died too young, or who grew too old, without even experience true love.

It seems as if i'm thoroughly blessed, but even then, i'm no where near happy. The more blessed I am...the more petty my problems become...isn't it ridiculous? I'm tired of feeling the way that I am, especially when there were so many before me, who never even got the privileges that i receive today. Its time for me to let go of the petty shit. It only brings me down, and it doesn't really get me anywhere.

Instead of crying over it all..I am going to let it go. And Let God. I'm not going to be afraid. For as long as I walk this earth, I want my life to be more than striving to be the most beautiful, fit, and attractive girl. I want it to be more than being the most popular, well-known, charismatic, and well-liked, And I want it to be more than my complaining that i'm lonely, and that i have no one...whatever K. It wont work anymore. Well...in fact..it never did. All the bitching and moaning, i'm still no better than how i was the day before, and the day before that. And mainly because these things should not be important. It's time for me to grow up. Even at 21..i've still yet to fall into the mind set of adulthood. Well, now i'm making it a priority.

12 Types of Men...

I found this to be interesting...

1. MR. THUG LIFE
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Real good at making love
b. Fun and exciting
c. Makes you laugh
d. Has your back, will fight and protect you

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Usually drinks and smokes too much
b. Always got drama
c. Stays a thug foreverd. In and out of jail

2. MR. NAW, I DON`T HAVE A GIRL
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will take you out in the beginning
b. Will introduce you to all his friends
c. Compliments you all the time

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Has a girlfriend who he`s been with since the 2nd grade
b. Will not get rid of her
c. He tells you about her after you`ve fallen in love with his*bleep*

3. MR. BIG BALLA
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will give you money with no questions asked
b. Has alot of style to him
c. Will show you some of the nice things in life

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Never returns your pages
b. Feels he can come to your house at any given time without calling first
c. Loves to be around his boys more than you.

4. MR. I`M IN THE INDUSTRY
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Can get you and your friends on the guest list at all the jumpin parties
b. Can have a decent stimulating conversation
c. Tends to dress nice

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. You don`t know if he`s gay, straight or bi
b. Seems flighty when you speak of a solid commitment
c. You still have to wait in line to get in all the jumpin parties, then there`s drama at the door
d. All he has is a bunch of pictures with celebrities but he doesn`t know any of them personally

5. MR. INTELLECTUAL
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Book smart
b. Cares about how you feel
c. Has a very good job

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Boring as hell
b. Doesn`t know what the hell he`s doin in bed
c. He is not street smart
d. Always asking you when can he see you again

6. MR. GHETTO
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. THE BOMB IN BED!!!!!
b. Makes you laugh
c. Got mad style and flava
d. Has a temper, but generally a charming sweet guy
e. Says he want a real relationship

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. He got 3 or more baby mommy`s
b. Wants to lay up in your crib, use the phone, and eat up all the food
c. Is in denial when you tell him about himself
d. Comes home at 3:00 am and says he was out with his boys

7. MR. I`M A RIGHTEOUS BLACK MAN
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will teach you about black history
b. Revolutionary
c. Inspiring & gives to you spiritually &emotionally
d. Wants a wife and family

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Breaks up with you for a white girl
b. Mo money-doesn`t have a job
c.Doesn`t own a nice suit, always wearing camouflage and sweats
d. In the end, you find out he is just a trifling, con motha*bleep*

8. MR. TOO DAMN GOOD
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will introduce you to his mother
b. Has a job and will take you out
c. Will give you money for your bills if you need it
d. Sometimes he goes to church on Sunday

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. Sometimes he goes or church on Sunday
b. Secretly wants to be Mr. Thug Life
c. Wears fake Movado &Rolex watches when he goes to the club
d. Ignores you when the game is on because he takes sports too serious-He didn`t make it professionally
e.You find out after you break up with him that he was cheating on you

9. MR. PLAYA

>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Will tell you the truth - that you`re not the only one
b. Sometimes he`s fairly decent in bed
c. He tells you that you`ve changed him and he`s ready to settle down
d. Has his own apartment and car (invites you to move in with him)

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. He doesn`t acknowledge you in public, especially if there`s women around
b. Generally he is a punk (won`t stand up for anything)
c. He expects you to believe all his lies just because he told you the truth about other women
d. After you catch his lyin` *bleep*, he tells you that he told you that he was a playa in the beginning anyway

10. MR. I HAVE A JOB
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. Of course.... he has a job
b. Doesn`t have too many bad habits
c. Will take care of you when you`re sick
d. Tells you that he is in love with you

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. You stay in the relationship 2 years or more and then find out he`s a shiftless, lazy son-of-a-*bleep* who wants you to do all the wifely duties but won`t give you a ring.
b. He ends up telling you that he loves you, but is not "in love" with you
c. After he leaves you he gets married a month later

11. MR. BEST FRIEND
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. He`s your best friend, you tell each other everything; you get along very, very well
b. He gives you advice when you and your man are having problems
c. The ultimate gentleman
d. Sweet and caring with a good sense of humor

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. You end up hooking up with him only to find he ain`t about *bleep* either!
b. Now, you gotta find a new best friend because you can`t stand his *bleep*no more

12. MR. RIGHT
>>>>ADVANTAGES
a. He loves God and takes his relationship with God seriously
b. He is intellectual, brilliant, and capable of taking you there mentally and emotionally
c. He will love you even when you are not lovable
d. He has a career and not a job!
e. He acknowledges his faults and strives to be a better man
f. He understands a relationship is built on a 200% quota - 100% him and 100% you
g. He doesn`t have a bunch of kids and babies mommas - he`s smarter than that.
h. He is a true best friend and everything you ever wanted in a man
i. He was cute when you met him. But, after spending sometime you see he`s fine as hell!
j. He can dress - knows the difference b/t formal, semi-formal, professional, business casual, casual, and since we are just chilling let me throw on some sweats and a fitted hat
h. He loves his mother and respects women

>>>>DISADVANTAGES
a. You`ve never met him and if you did he already has a girl/wife.

....breaking

i am reaching my breaking point. It's coming like how an orgasm can easily sneak up on you and then for some reason regains speed and takes over your entire being. Yeh..well..too bad breaking points don't feel at all similar to breaking points.

Numb..yeh. thats it. I'm so numb, i don't care about anything..and i think that i am truly falling into depression. and i don't know what to do. In my case, there isn't anyone to blame...its just me..me thats creating this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I feel like i don't belong..and maybe even that its not essential for me to even exist.

whats the use..? u kno?

this isn't suicide folks...its just a cry for some company.

livin'


there's something about life and living that is just no longer appealing to me.
I don't see how it would be beneficial for me to keep treading through..with dreams and goals that will never be met. I'd rather not go through it all, then see myself fall into another failure. Kno what i'm sayin?

I think it would be better for all of us..if a certain person were to just slip away from the scene. I highly doubt if anyone would notice anyways..lol. Truthfully.. i'm not suicidal, i'm just defeated.

Another Twist...with a Lemoned beat

Who ever said that I was the lucky one...was very mistaken.

For the past two weeks, i have managed to experience a myriad of emotions and feelings. Its amazing..how I am still somewhat mentally healthy...or maybe i'm not..and all this time i thought it was something else. So um.. lets begin..

Lets start with some personal business. Lets start with the fact that less than two weeks ago, i was a 20 year old virgin. (Thank God not 40 year-old, as i have dreaded for a long time.) Yes ladies and gents, i finally lost it. I came to terms the day after that I didn't regret it..as much as i should have. It was with someone who was...important to me..although we weren't together. And it wasn't a planned or forced ordeal. It just happened. Biggest problem with this lies for the fact that I am talking to someone else of whom I am deeply interested in. So..the day after, i began to feel the utmost guilt that I had sex with someone else other than him. Halfway through that day, i came to terms with it. I can't take it back. And well..the person that I lost it to, was my first love, someone whom i entrusted myself with, and the person who i'm talking to, well...we are no where near the relationship mark. So to get through my day...i allowed it to past. To look beyond it.

And then the next day came....
And i discovered that my first love, my first kiss, my first sexual partner was actually with someone else at the same time that he was sweet talkin me the weekend before. And at this point...i just felt crushed. I felt dumb, i felt like a hoe, and i felt like every other dopey girl who gives up her shit to some sweet lovin' boy.

Yeup. drama is my game these days ya'll. So, how am i supposed to feel about the entire situation? I don't kno. I don't even know what is right, i just know that i'm regretting every single choice to do what i did. And after waiting beyond all of my friends... i thought that this was the one decision that would be right..no regrets...and yet still!!!...it was not.

to be continued. ..

Doin..Doin it..an Doin it Again.


You guys..
I've gotta do something about the way i'm feeling and looking. I'm beyond the point of burnt out. I'm freakin' dried black and sticking to the pot.lol. I can't keep going like this...making myself work from 8am till 11pm or 12am at night. eventually..i'm going to collapse..for real.

I've been trying to get myself to commit to being healthier..and I just need to really stick with it this time. I don't know, I don't even have faith in myself. I haven't gotten anything right now to motivate me..except for the mere daydreams of me..being happy, healthy, and together.

It's time for me to begin ..Again. And I don't kno if i'll fail again or what. I know..i'm getting tired of it too..but i've gotta keep tryin. Please...please..please..i hope i can do it this time.

I haven't decided how to do this... South Beach or Weight Watchers?

Lets look at the Pros and Cons of both...

South Beach Diet

The South Beach Diet emphasizes normal portions of lean proteins such as fish and chicken; unlimited amounts of low-glycemic-index vegetables; ample amounts of healthy fats such as olive and canola oil, nuts and avocados; and small portions of "healthy carbs" found in fruit and less-processed grains. By following this way of eating, the plan promises positive changes in markers of cardiovascular health: lower cholesterol, LDL cholesterol and triglyceride levels, along with increased HDL cholesterol levels.

There are three phases in this diet. Phase I is the most restrictive and lasts for two weeks. It emphasizes lean proteins, fat-free or low-fat cheese, nuts, eggs, tofu, legumes, healthy types of fat and low-glycemic-index vegetables. Phase II reintroduces fruit, whole grain bread, rice, pasta and fat-free milk and yogurt. Dieters stay on Phase II until they've lost their desired amount of weight. Phase III is for maintenance and should be followed for life. Dieters are encouraged to move back and forth between the different phases as needed to maintain their weight loss.

upside

There's a welcome emphasis on whole grains, fruits and vegetables that is often lacking in many low-carb diet plans.
• The South Beach Diet encourages three balanced meals plus snacks if necessary, and allows a lot of flexibility in food choices.
• The author, cardiologist Arthur Agatston, MD, encourages eating all the types of foods known to prevent heart disease, including nuts, monounsaturated fats like olive and canola oil, soy products, whole grains and fruits and vegetables.

downside

The glycemic index is used to encourage the consumption of certain types of grains, fruits and vegetables. Major U.S. health associations such as the American Diabetes Association and the American Dietetic Association do not endorse using the glycemic index for weight control or in planning menus for people with diabetes. Eliminating some healthy foods just because they have a high glycemic index number doesn't make sense for every person.
• Some people may follow Phase I for long periods of time (although this is not recommended), which can cause deficiencies of several nutrients including fiber and calcium.


-The most appealing to me with this diet is the fact that it has great results of helping your overall health
-the rapid weight loss of 5-7 lbs sounds like a great idea..but seriously is it healthy?


Weight Watchers (taken from ivillage)

The new Winning Points plan is based on a point system, where every food is assigned a number of points based on its fat, fiber and calorie content. Each person is assigned a daily points range designed to help them lose weight. Weight Watchers doesn't provide a list of forbidden foods or tell you what you can or can't eat. Instead, their current focus is to provide the information, knowledge, tools and motivation you need to develop your own successful long-term weight management plan.

-long term weight management is what i'm all about!! Also, i have something that says...yes...this..and no this..when often i'm not sure if what i'm eating really is good for me.

upside

The group support is often fun and encouraging, the meal plans are based on sound health principles, and the new Winning Points program allows all foods to be enjoyed as long as you can fit in their "points." Weight Watchers groups are found virtually everywhere, including many work locations and online.

- i actually not too fond of going and meeting with other people to talk about how fat i am..and doesn't this cost even more money?

downside

If you're looking for that magical diet that will cause weight to "melt off" -- you won't want this healthy, commonsense plan.
durationIndefinite

"I've been on and off Weight Watchers over the years, and the only thing about it that turned me away was the cost. The weekly fee can be high, plus all the extras like food scales, measuring cups, magazines, etc., which are all visibly displayed at meeting centers." --iVillager cahi

CONS

-Cost is the big factor with Weight Watchers..i'm already financially in debt!

-Calculating my own food everyday will be a habit that i'll have to freakin pound into my habits..i have vitamins sitting right on my desk..and I have yet to make it a habit to take them!

PROS

-There is something that allows me to calculate everything..it tells me no and yes, without my having to guess

- The food at school could be easily calculated into it, I just have to know which to say yes to..and what proportions to take them.

...So i'm going to think it through this weekend..and get back to this.

entrapped in jealousy

i'm like a ticking time bomb. You never kon w when my countdown begins, but when its time.. i explode.. like crazy!

Why am I so jealous? Its like a curse. Something that I just can't stop. I blame it on my sign...being a Taurus ain't easy! LOL. But for me, that astrology stuff is just for fun...i'm finding more and more that I am entrapped in jealousy. I can't let go of it. And I really wish I could.

I'm not going to tell the stories..cause in the end they'll just feel like petty, high school shyt. But in any case..i really wish I could shake this jealousy thing off. I hate feeling it, I hate submitting to it, I hate who I am when it overtakes me. I'm just a different person...ready and set to knock off anyone who gets in my way.

The worst part is getting out of it. When it finally wears off...I have to figure out how to clean up the mess that I created when I was in it. People are all distant from me because I gave them the evil eye and shit.

Its not cool. Not at all.