Sooo...boys. Or atleast one.

OMG. So where do i start?

BG is mad cool. I really do like him. And Im feeling kind of vulnerable. I'm really trying to fight for myself to just let go of it all..you know? Because of the past events this weekend...between them discovering the "real me"..from the laughs, snores, embarassment beyond measure..its hard for me.

I dont know. I just want to do things right. I don't want to hurt myself, in fact i want to protect myself. But I don't want to shield myself so much that I end up missing opportunities. This weekend I feel like I left myself to be vulnerable. And it'll only be a short time before I figure out if it was worth it. My guess is...I scared him away. And that kind of makes me really ...well..to be honest...its just straight up sad.

Today was overwhelming. I realized that I had to get back to reality ..and it wasn't fun. I just hate walking through these days on eggshells. But thats exactly what is happening. And with all the work that I do, I guess it still isn't enough. I'm ready to let it go, and to not worry about it like that you know?

In any case, I'm lonely. Very lonely. Nothing else to really say. No other way to hide it anymore. I'm ready to be with someone. I just wish it would come soon. But I guess, I'll have to accept that patience is key! Right?

I'm getting better at this. I am...serious!

Oh my, but i really do like him.
shit..what have i gotten myself into?

bITcHEs!!!!!!


iN My Book They are all bitches!!
This whole vibe from this ridiculous school is going to fuckin' drive me crazy!!! Yo, I'm so done with it!!!! I'm so done.

You can't fuckin trust anyone. You can't even be yourself, cause these bitches just take your fucking soul away. And what the fuck did I do to them??? All I ever do is work my ass off so that they can have the best. Nah i'm not trying to cop out again and say that maybe I need to "analyze myself"..."K, what is it that you are doing wrong today?" Fuck that shyt! I do my best... and that shit should be good enough. Fuck this shit. Fuck this school. I'm out in a year and a half..and thats the least that I can say about all of you bitches who keep crying and moaning ...and you think your ass is going someplace...but you are going to end up in the same ass spot that you fucking stupid, ignorant nigga ass began in the first place.

You disgrace me.

You disappoint me.


I'm through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mind of Me...

I don't know ya'll.

Life is interesting. I wish so much that i wasn't one of these so called soft-asses that can't take a break. But I can't fight the need to fall.

I know I must not make sense. It doesn't matter though now does it? As long as I know...ha. Thats what I've always lived by. As long as I know myself...I don't need anyone else. Cause everyone else is only out for themselves. They don't care about me. And they sure as hell wouldn't back me up for my outrageously, outlandish ways. I'm different. I've always been. I know it now. Before I couldn't accept it. But I'm willing to now. No one can understand me cause i'm at a different level. Not necessarily a higher one, but just different. I see things differently. I'm a hopeless romantic, I dream, I wish, I hope, and even when it doesn't come true...I continue to do so.

I'm a fighter, in the most opposite of the physical being. I'm a fighter for life and for love. I cherish life because of how fragile it is. And I continue everyday to cry inside for those who were not able to experience the continuity of a breath, the chance to love, to overcome hate through love.....they didn't get the chance. And who knows when it will be my turn to go. I know its not too far away. Sometimes I wish it was just around the corner.

(EXCUSE me as I go through a tangent) Death is so easy accessible isn't it? Just think of the many ways that it can come to you in one day. When you drive out, when you walk to class, when you talk to people...anytime...it just sneaks up on you. And its not hard..not even a little bit. It's scary. And yet, it becomes so overrated. Like people die everyday so...what? Whoever thinks like that.....gosh they make me mad! ha.

Ok i'm back. In any case, I'm just upset. I told my "guy" friend the other night how i wouldn't be good for him, because he is looking for someone to settle down with. Of course, he professed that he doesn't need to be with anyone right now, but I know better...I know he does. Its funny to think, that with all....ALLL of the years that i've been by myself, that at this point in my life, when I get the chance to be with someone, I push them away. ....Such a girl thing, I know.

But i guess what is healthy is that i know why. I want so much more. Before I die, I want to be working everyday to achieve the things that I've always wanted. We claim how its selfish to think everyday about our own personal desires and wishes. But I feel justified in wanting what i want.....Firstly, I've always been the one to put everyone in front of me. I've always pushed myself to love and cherish everyone, even if they've done wrong to me. And still to this day, I'm at the bottom. Just sitting and waiting to help someone up, while I stay low. I need to be selfish. I don't care. Its time now that I fight to get mine. I can't be with anyone, cause to be with someone would mean to cater to them. And I want a chance to explore. I want a chance to see what it is that I am capable of doing....all by myself. I want to know how it feels like to work her ass off to get to the top. I want to push the limits of the world.. challenging anyone who comes within my path. I want to walk into a room, and catch the attention of every guy that residest there. I want to wear a beautiful dress that plunges down in the back, and opens in the front to show off my beautiful legs. I want to be skinnier...i WANT to be a clear-brown-skinned beauty. I want the good attention. I want to be catered to. I want to be the one whom everyone hates or envies. I want to not have to experience jealousy ever again. I want to have wild sex.......seriously.lol.

I want to live.

And right now, everyone else is doing this but me. I know. Very materialistic. But i'm not apologizing for it. Why should I accept what I am?...when everyone else gets to fall into the fun? Even if it is brief... I just want a small taste of it. I do. I'm ready to step up to the plate. Knock down all of those people who look at me and judge me, and KNOW that they are better than me.

Not anymore. i CAN'T live my life...wishing and dreaming anymore. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of watching everyone else step over me. I'm ready to do big things. And I promise you....I'll still be the same....I'm gonna take you on the ride. And we're going to have a fuckin' good time.

Its been a minute...

Yeh, I know its been a long time since i've visited. I'll try to keep my visits a lot more frequent, but at my rate in lyf, I can't make any promises.

Sooo where do I start? Well, I signed up for a counselor about two weeks ago. Yeh, I know, I wasn't fond of the whole "Black girl seeks counseling" deal either. We are supposed to be like the strongest of all, right? Ha, I know that even when I came to college I held that idea to the strongest degree. My own roommate who was also Black, would complain, and bitch and moan, and the thing that made me the most angry was the fact that she made herself look vulnerable, she made herself look like she needed help, like she was one of the rest of these white bitches who cry every 5 min, and then sought counseling or chuckled down another bottle of pills.

Im not hittin any pills...just to let you kno, but I definetly see the need to be vulnerable. Now, unlike my roommate, i'm not trying to make it public, so my whole counseling thing is just for me, where I can be mad vulnerable and not worry about what people think of me. No one knows, except for me and u, and it all works out. Trouble is though, that I must be addicted to it or something, because i'm like anticipating every week for my next session! This is not me...this is really crazy for me, kind of embarassing, even though I am the only one who knows..(well me and u now).

But anyways, I'm just trying to hang in there. I'm trying to keep my spirits for the new year real high. I'm trying to push forward. Its not easy. I'm so afraid that this is just how things are going to be for me. Like there is no way out, i'm always going to be leading over something, i'm always going to be running out my door, i'm always going to have bad skin, bad health, bad weight... u know? Its like, i can say that i'm going to do this, and that, and i am doing that now.... but the more i try, the harder it gets for me. And its just so much easier for me to fall back and just crawl up in a corner and beg everyone to just let me be.

I guess these feelings of pure depression come from my crazy ass day where i focus on everything but me. And then i think it could also be that i see my friends getting ahead, loving life, and having fun. And then it could be that the people that i think are friends are constantly showing me that they cannot be trusted. It was just a few days that i shared my own concerns with someone i thought was cool with me...and it was just yesterday when i heard my own words come through someone else's mouth..besides my "friend".

Maybe these feelings of depression just come from the fact that it doesn't seem like no one else is interested in me but me. No one is necessarily looking out for me. And no one ever has. It has always been me caring for others. And sometimes...especially those time that i don't feel appreciated, that i just wish i could just leave it all. I mean no one seems to care ...even those guys that claim that they may like me...eveything they say or want....is really more to benefit them than me. They want my time, they want me to try this.. they want me to do this....and none of it is necessarily something that i want to do.

ITS so funny to me how people just don't care. And so if I don't care for myself, no one really will. So maybe thats the next step to take? Maybe....