The Mind of Me...

I don't know ya'll.

Life is interesting. I wish so much that i wasn't one of these so called soft-asses that can't take a break. But I can't fight the need to fall.

I know I must not make sense. It doesn't matter though now does it? As long as I know...ha. Thats what I've always lived by. As long as I know myself...I don't need anyone else. Cause everyone else is only out for themselves. They don't care about me. And they sure as hell wouldn't back me up for my outrageously, outlandish ways. I'm different. I've always been. I know it now. Before I couldn't accept it. But I'm willing to now. No one can understand me cause i'm at a different level. Not necessarily a higher one, but just different. I see things differently. I'm a hopeless romantic, I dream, I wish, I hope, and even when it doesn't come true...I continue to do so.

I'm a fighter, in the most opposite of the physical being. I'm a fighter for life and for love. I cherish life because of how fragile it is. And I continue everyday to cry inside for those who were not able to experience the continuity of a breath, the chance to love, to overcome hate through love.....they didn't get the chance. And who knows when it will be my turn to go. I know its not too far away. Sometimes I wish it was just around the corner.

(EXCUSE me as I go through a tangent) Death is so easy accessible isn't it? Just think of the many ways that it can come to you in one day. When you drive out, when you walk to class, when you talk to people...anytime...it just sneaks up on you. And its not hard..not even a little bit. It's scary. And yet, it becomes so overrated. Like people die everyday so...what? Whoever thinks like that.....gosh they make me mad! ha.

Ok i'm back. In any case, I'm just upset. I told my "guy" friend the other night how i wouldn't be good for him, because he is looking for someone to settle down with. Of course, he professed that he doesn't need to be with anyone right now, but I know better...I know he does. Its funny to think, that with all....ALLL of the years that i've been by myself, that at this point in my life, when I get the chance to be with someone, I push them away. ....Such a girl thing, I know.

But i guess what is healthy is that i know why. I want so much more. Before I die, I want to be working everyday to achieve the things that I've always wanted. We claim how its selfish to think everyday about our own personal desires and wishes. But I feel justified in wanting what i want.....Firstly, I've always been the one to put everyone in front of me. I've always pushed myself to love and cherish everyone, even if they've done wrong to me. And still to this day, I'm at the bottom. Just sitting and waiting to help someone up, while I stay low. I need to be selfish. I don't care. Its time now that I fight to get mine. I can't be with anyone, cause to be with someone would mean to cater to them. And I want a chance to explore. I want a chance to see what it is that I am capable of doing....all by myself. I want to know how it feels like to work her ass off to get to the top. I want to push the limits of the world.. challenging anyone who comes within my path. I want to walk into a room, and catch the attention of every guy that residest there. I want to wear a beautiful dress that plunges down in the back, and opens in the front to show off my beautiful legs. I want to be skinnier...i WANT to be a clear-brown-skinned beauty. I want the good attention. I want to be catered to. I want to be the one whom everyone hates or envies. I want to not have to experience jealousy ever again. I want to have wild sex.......seriously.lol.

I want to live.

And right now, everyone else is doing this but me. I know. Very materialistic. But i'm not apologizing for it. Why should I accept what I am?...when everyone else gets to fall into the fun? Even if it is brief... I just want a small taste of it. I do. I'm ready to step up to the plate. Knock down all of those people who look at me and judge me, and KNOW that they are better than me.

Not anymore. i CAN'T live my life...wishing and dreaming anymore. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of watching everyone else step over me. I'm ready to do big things. And I promise you....I'll still be the same....I'm gonna take you on the ride. And we're going to have a fuckin' good time.