Wednesday, December 27th

I miss my boyfriend. Today my mother made it her business to remind me not to get too involved...not to fall too hard..and to protect myself. I'm just not sure how I know how to take this. Given the fact that my mother is just not usually the one who speaks like this...I was rather stunned and of course at first, i was on the defense. So sad.

But then i came back to life, and realized that she is merely speaking from experience. Need I say more...my father has proven such arguments. So i'm stuck with this dilemma. Thinking back at my relationship.. I am happy because it truly is a first relationship for me. Emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually...i am really there. And now, i'm scared. I don't want to get hurt. Nobody does. And so my mind flips to everything...i start thinking about some resolutions about this relationship. Should cut some things out? Spend more time away? Or just cut some of the sex?...u know...just to see if he really cares. I don't know what to do. I just want to be careful with my heart. Its fragile you know. I don't want to be like the numbers of girls before me and currently..who are crying at night and bitching about how much they hate men.

The key to my problem is obviously that i cannot seem to bare the finale. Before i begin anything..i am already thinking of how it will end. Even for the next meal that i will have. I am thinking about how i will feel afterwards. Even over new years.. i am thinking about the day after when all the fun lasts for what feels like a minute..and then i have to return to "Real Life". And just like the others, from day one.. i looked at this relationship and just wonder and imagine...who will be the one to fuck up? Him or me? Me or HIm? Or both? I don't know. And it scares me. So...what do i do? Shit. Love sucks.