ENVY
You should see her
She got hips that sway and dance for no good earthly reason
Lord make me just like her
No
No make me better
Make me the kind that can change the weather
Stop tornados
And heavy storms from tearing down the shingles
I want to stop traffic
I want them to moan and lust
I want to be bold and sexy sexy like that
Make me "hot" like they say on videos
I want to be a 12 out of 10
No a 14
Shooot make me a 25
Then I know I'll be happy
Just like Halle Berry






-The Jill Scott

I'm going to let you in on a lil secret about myself....
Something that is probably immensely obvious in my previous entries, but something that I have yet to finally come out and say it.

I live in the bad world of jealousy like its my first job of the day. And the jealousy...leads to envy. And then it just gets worse. I try my best to discover where in the hell it comes from, but I have yet to find it. Today, I realized that It has gotten so bad that I can't even be around the people that i'm jealous of or envious of. Its like a bad spirit comes over me, and I just want to scream at them and tell them to fuck themselves and their perfect selves. So I sit back right now, and I think why? Where does it come from? I don't know... but I'll tell you how it starts...

ex: BG wants his friend ryan to come to princeton and "chill". Well, i'm a fabulous observer, and I've seen bg look at dee. There's not really a suspicion of his likes for her..but there is definite evidence of his admiration for her..excellent body. Blacchhhhhhh. Yucky yuck yuck screw him for his stupidity in thinking that I wouldn't notice that he wants his friend ryan to come and fuck this chick so that he could live out this fantasy through his fucking friend. I HATE BOYS. and i despise the men that create them.

I hate feeling this way. But it happens all the time. It happens ALL the time, and i'm trying to find ways in which to love myself..but when it all comes down to it, i think that this is where the problem really is. I just have not found the love for myself that i NEED in order to go out into this world and fight the demons.

I can't even fight the demons within myself...let alone the ones in the world.

I'm just lost within myself...
girls and their beautiful skin, and their beautiful bodies, and their fabulous fashion, and singers with their wonderful voices, and people with their wonderful relationships, and their wonderful sex lives, and students with their wonderful grades, and their great writing skills, and RA's with their wonderful projects, and their great organization, and friends with their wonderful houses to return to, and their wonderful holidays, and cousins with their wonderful education and...
then there's fuckin me...with....

yo

I'm hot like fire right now. Something about being in this relationship is ticking me off like whoaaaa....whatt i need to do more than anything else is take some time for myself because I swear that I'm about to fucking cut anyone's head that comes through my way. Everyone's got a stank attitude with any approach that I take, and that shit is just driving me up the fucking wall. What the fuck happened? Do you know what happened today...not only did i get into a fight with this fucking boy... but it was over something so minor....and i'm like what the fuck? I'm just trying to prove to him some simple little thing, and he wants to get all nasty and shit..and that shit just makes me upset. I can almost say that maybe he felt like i was going on the high defense..but he knows where i stand with the whole thing..there is no reason that his ass has to get so fucking defensive. Fuck that i don't need this shit. Bitch is about to be single in two fucking seconds.

Rejuvenation...And thats my final Answer...

During this summer, I attended a wonderful music theater workshop in which i had intense music theater training from some of the best known theatre artists of the day. Now, that i look back on it, i sort of wish that i had applied myself even more.. there was no question of the passion, but merely the atmosphere and the competition..its something that always seems to draw me back in. Well anyways, at the end of the month-long intensive.. i had a consultation with the entire faculty. They told me what they thought was good..and of course..they spent a lot of time on what was wrong... that wasn't anything that made me slip ..really. Things that are wrong can only be fixed through training...experience..and lots more time...something that i don't have now..but hopefully will in the future...

What bothered me most was one of the questions that they made me answer. One of them asked...what is it that makes me want to be apart of music theater. Now.. this teacher had said before how... if you want to be a theatre artist...there should be no doubt in your head that you want to do this profession. So with this statement of his in my mind.. i tried to answer the question in a manner to show that i could do nothing else than theater..........YUCK. i became a kiss-ass. And my answer ended up being a complete catastrophe. It was nothing that you would expect me to say...and to be honest.. it was probably obvious that i was out to impress..than be honest. If i had any moment to take back...it would be that moment. Not necessarily because i made a fool of myself...but because i didn't not tell the truth. Because my love for theater was made a spectacle of...not by anyone else but myself. I do love theater...and i just wish i could have been able to express it.

Today... i have found my perfect answer. It came to me while being inspired by our new choir director at the college. Its such a simple answer..but it takes a long way to explain...

The difference between me and most of my colleagues is that most of them had an innate passion for the theater and musicals..they were born with the songs..they grew up knowing the shows...and their background on the topic is absolutely thickened more than mine. I have a love for the theater and the only innate thing that i have in my background is my desire to communicate.

I have realized my destiny to be a small and petite person. Some would say that i'm loud and crazy...but for the most part..I come in a small package..with a laid back quality that is only at a high volume during the mere moments of anger. I have always felt that i should be behind the shadows. In the back. My whole life....I have always thought that i just was below average...I DREAMED...often that i was more than that...often i dreamed that i was capable of being THE BEST. But my dreams were only dreams...they were only something in my head... that i accepted would be left in my head. And reality has hit me this way. BUT, this is how i have found theater. When i began theater... i had realized that i found MY way to communicate. In all of its glory....I found ways in which to touch people....but even more ...express myself. When i'm on the stage...all of my worries and cares about being too ugly..too fat..too dumb...too short...all of it...gets STOMPED on. When i'm on stage..i get to live through the words and music of characters who KNOW who they are...and aren't afraid to express it in anyway. And from these characters...i continue to learn how to be stronger on stage..and through performing...but even more ...in my own life. THIS is why i love the theater. It is what keeps me going.


And often. I doubt if it is real..and doubt if I can make it... but I just know I love it, and I'm in for the long haul.......