ENVY
You should see her
She got hips that sway and dance for no good earthly reason
Lord make me just like her
No
No make me better
Make me the kind that can change the weather
Stop tornados
And heavy storms from tearing down the shingles
I want to stop traffic
I want them to moan and lust
I want to be bold and sexy sexy like that
Make me "hot" like they say on videos
I want to be a 12 out of 10
No a 14
Shooot make me a 25
Then I know I'll be happy
Just like Halle Berry






-The Jill Scott

I'm going to let you in on a lil secret about myself....
Something that is probably immensely obvious in my previous entries, but something that I have yet to finally come out and say it.

I live in the bad world of jealousy like its my first job of the day. And the jealousy...leads to envy. And then it just gets worse. I try my best to discover where in the hell it comes from, but I have yet to find it. Today, I realized that It has gotten so bad that I can't even be around the people that i'm jealous of or envious of. Its like a bad spirit comes over me, and I just want to scream at them and tell them to fuck themselves and their perfect selves. So I sit back right now, and I think why? Where does it come from? I don't know... but I'll tell you how it starts...

ex: BG wants his friend ryan to come to princeton and "chill". Well, i'm a fabulous observer, and I've seen bg look at dee. There's not really a suspicion of his likes for her..but there is definite evidence of his admiration for her..excellent body. Blacchhhhhhh. Yucky yuck yuck screw him for his stupidity in thinking that I wouldn't notice that he wants his friend ryan to come and fuck this chick so that he could live out this fantasy through his fucking friend. I HATE BOYS. and i despise the men that create them.

I hate feeling this way. But it happens all the time. It happens ALL the time, and i'm trying to find ways in which to love myself..but when it all comes down to it, i think that this is where the problem really is. I just have not found the love for myself that i NEED in order to go out into this world and fight the demons.

I can't even fight the demons within myself...let alone the ones in the world.

I'm just lost within myself...
girls and their beautiful skin, and their beautiful bodies, and their fabulous fashion, and singers with their wonderful voices, and people with their wonderful relationships, and their wonderful sex lives, and students with their wonderful grades, and their great writing skills, and RA's with their wonderful projects, and their great organization, and friends with their wonderful houses to return to, and their wonderful holidays, and cousins with their wonderful education and...
then there's fuckin me...with....