Its been a minute...

Yeh, I know its been a long time since i've visited. I'll try to keep my visits a lot more frequent, but at my rate in lyf, I can't make any promises.

Sooo where do I start? Well, I signed up for a counselor about two weeks ago. Yeh, I know, I wasn't fond of the whole "Black girl seeks counseling" deal either. We are supposed to be like the strongest of all, right? Ha, I know that even when I came to college I held that idea to the strongest degree. My own roommate who was also Black, would complain, and bitch and moan, and the thing that made me the most angry was the fact that she made herself look vulnerable, she made herself look like she needed help, like she was one of the rest of these white bitches who cry every 5 min, and then sought counseling or chuckled down another bottle of pills.

Im not hittin any pills...just to let you kno, but I definetly see the need to be vulnerable. Now, unlike my roommate, i'm not trying to make it public, so my whole counseling thing is just for me, where I can be mad vulnerable and not worry about what people think of me. No one knows, except for me and u, and it all works out. Trouble is though, that I must be addicted to it or something, because i'm like anticipating every week for my next session! This is not me...this is really crazy for me, kind of embarassing, even though I am the only one who knows..(well me and u now).

But anyways, I'm just trying to hang in there. I'm trying to keep my spirits for the new year real high. I'm trying to push forward. Its not easy. I'm so afraid that this is just how things are going to be for me. Like there is no way out, i'm always going to be leading over something, i'm always going to be running out my door, i'm always going to have bad skin, bad health, bad weight... u know? Its like, i can say that i'm going to do this, and that, and i am doing that now.... but the more i try, the harder it gets for me. And its just so much easier for me to fall back and just crawl up in a corner and beg everyone to just let me be.

I guess these feelings of pure depression come from my crazy ass day where i focus on everything but me. And then i think it could also be that i see my friends getting ahead, loving life, and having fun. And then it could be that the people that i think are friends are constantly showing me that they cannot be trusted. It was just a few days that i shared my own concerns with someone i thought was cool with me...and it was just yesterday when i heard my own words come through someone else's mouth..besides my "friend".

Maybe these feelings of depression just come from the fact that it doesn't seem like no one else is interested in me but me. No one is necessarily looking out for me. And no one ever has. It has always been me caring for others. And sometimes...especially those time that i don't feel appreciated, that i just wish i could just leave it all. I mean no one seems to care ...even those guys that claim that they may like me...eveything they say or want....is really more to benefit them than me. They want my time, they want me to try this.. they want me to do this....and none of it is necessarily something that i want to do.

ITS so funny to me how people just don't care. And so if I don't care for myself, no one really will. So maybe thats the next step to take? Maybe....