So, its late....

Yeah I'm up. Even though I am supposed to be sleeping early so that I can get up early to go do my first day of running and then a full day of training. Well, I'm putting together my ipod for the morning...so hopefully I'm not going to cop out ..lol.

Anyways, What do I talk about? I don't know I don't really have much to say...I'm just chilling I guess. BG came this weekend...and it was..well I guess bittersweet. It always sucks when you want something so bad, and its visit is so short. Like if you're on a diet and allow yourself to have chocolate once a week...shit... How horrible is it for you to have that chocolate? I think its worse to get it sparingly. It should be either get it all the time.. or never again. Because its kinda hard to go back to living life without chocolate after that mere moment of having a few tastes. It's almost like torture...lol. So thats me.. missing my chocolate.

I feel bad though, everytime he's with me, he seems to be late for everything. I don't know why i'm rambling.. but sometimes I just have to get thoughts out so here I go. So yeah, like everytime he's with me he's always getting ready to go to someplace important after. And we have to rush to the train and then..he's alwaayyysss late. Its so ridiculous. This might sound a little weird..but sometimes I swear that I bring him bad luck or something. When he's with me.. nothing seems to go right. Like for his last showcase..he got fucked over having to wait the whole night to perform. And he has another one coming up. And I can't make it. Man, I swear if everything goes right, I'm going to be positive that it is me. I don't know, maybe I'm stressing too much... thinking that the world revolves around me... but seriously man... I swear that it is me! Its late... let me be. lol.

Sometimes my insecurities do get the best of me. I am surprised tho. Maybe even like proud of myself that it is just now sneaking up on me... the insecurities that is. So often I am so insecure about...myself in general. It is only recently that I am realizing that my insecurities are coming back. When i'm with him.. I get so weird about how I look..and how I act. It's weird. But.. I think its just that time of the relationship. You know when things are starting to settle. And you are past the parts of can't getting enough of each other and all the new explorations of each other. We know each other now.. so its like.. well..what happens next? He seems to be paranoid sometimes ...and I think that it is the fact that he thinks that I could be cheating! How crazy is that? I can't even believe I'm talking like this... me.. in a relationship..with my bf thinking i'm cheating....craazzy. Well, little does he know that I have turned down every single horny ass guy that has come my way. I'm more dedicated that I thought I would be. Its funny that he would be thinking that i'm cheating anyways. He's the one who has all those damned girlfriends and fuck buddies...all these previous girls who are way prettier...wayyy well off...and fuck... he sees women all the time.. I hang out with gay guys...how the hell could I anyways? Okay the rambling will stop....for now atleast.


Nighty