Another Late Night Rejuvenation...

You know I forgot what came with the trials and tribulations in a relationship. Its been so long. And even then, I wasn't sure about ....anything. So, in its own way, I am still seeing myself as an amateur at this. I just wish that I could say that this time is going to be great. I wish I could say that I know that me and him are headed for love, and that I have found someone whom I know is the right one for me. But to be truthful, I'm more than scared to even think these things. I mean, they could be possible. But more than anything I'm afraid to claim him because I don't know how much of him he wants me to claim. ...Ok..I just don't know if I have the confidence to handle this. I feel like our relationship is on sticks and stones...Sometimes I feel like i'm treading on broken glass... because I really don't know if he really likes me...that much, you know?

Everyday he calls me, I am reassured......but just for that day. If I don't hear from him one day...its enough to make me think that...maybe..just maybe...I'm not that much on his mind. You know? I just wish that when I head into a relationship...I could throw all the bullshit away. All the insecurities that I'm not pretty enough, NOT skinny enough, not confident enough to have a man, and know that he wants me just as much. Maybe if I had a contract, a 100% guarantee that if he will be my man, He's gonna call me everyday. He's going to tell me how much he misses me, atleast 4 times a week, he's gonna hang out with me, or visit me atleast 2-3 times a week. And he will show proof of his faithfulness through physical evidence..like maybe his friends would report to me, or some undercover chick...would keep report of how many women he comes into contact with...how many times they have made a pass at him, and how many times he hinted that he might be interested himself. ....HOW CRAZY WOULD THAT BE? I bet that I would enjoy it greatly for a long time. I would know that he is faithful to me. I would know that he wants to be with me. And I would know that he's NOT cheating! But eventually, i'm sure....it would not work. Because things that sound that perfect..never really work that well. Firstly, it would be mechanical...I want to be surprised by his outbursts of "I miss you" and "When Can I see you again?". Not to mention, that all of those actions in a contract...are supposed to be voluntary... thats what makes it special. You don't have to make him do anything..he just does it automatically. A Contract would be perfect...but then the relationship loses its spontaneity and even its risk. And i'm sure that thats what makes relationships so wonderful...because they are spontaneous, they are fun, they are loving, and they are risky. I guess I've just got to work, day by day to push my insecurities to the side..and just dive in.

But still.... I don't know where to start! (lol...silly of me to think this entry was anywhere near done. ) I'm so scared. So many things to do! So many responsibilites! i MEAN..when you head into a relationship.. you not only date the guy.. but his lifestyle. You date his job..which is currently the gap. You date his goals and dreams..which is to become a producer and recording artist. You date his friends...which is a group of rowdy ass boys who are no where near used to their boy ..."seriously dating". You date his family...who seem to be disappointing him continuously. I don't know where to start. I feel like I have so many jobs sometimes. I've got to prove to all aspects of his life that I can handle it. That I can be supportive, and that I can be useful. ....How crazy?! And I have to try to be super-beautiful and intelligent and funny and strong and sexy..all at the same time?! Jesus! I don't know... I just don't know where to begin. I don't know if I can handle this...and MY life all at the same time! What to do? Where to start?

Okay.. i'm done for now.