A Return To Love... THE COMEBACK

"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne WilliamsonA Return to Love

I always knew that the compliments would end real soon. Yeah they came pouring down throughout my "developing" years. When everyone just covers you with love so that you will grow up thinking that you are worth something. But i'm glad God instilled within me the maturity to recognize that those compliments were more covered in bullshit than truth. Even though I knew it was coming, I still wasn't prepared for the effect that it would have upon my whole being. Music Theater doesn't equal a short, underprivileged African-American girl. And eventually this truth was bound to catch up to me. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on with only me telling me that I can get through it. During the workshop the director, Paul Gemignani asked me if I was in love with this career. And, I couldn't give him a straight answer. The best I could come up with is that it is all that i know. Musiq and theater has been all that I've done with my life for the past eight years. Its all that I know..... but is that a good enough answer? I don't even know. And now its got me questioning my whole path. What the hell am I doing going to college for Music Theater? Am I nuts or something? Jesus! I'm like....trapped.

And then it comes to me that I really do want to do this. I just wish that people would stop telling me that its not easy. You know? Get this.... I would still be pursuing the damn career if they didn't mention that part. And when it got tough.. I'm almost confident that I would struggle through it...and eventually getting on top. Because its what I love to do. Its what I've always done..and its where I belong. So the problem isn't the struggle... its the people that tell you that there is a struggle. Its a mind game. We all know you love this and you can handle the pressure of making it on your own. But can you handle us telling you that you wont make it? Its a sick game. And unfortunately, this along with many other aspects of this business has to be something that you learn to trick yourself out of, something that you have to learn the skills to overcome. Its absurd. Actually..quite ridiculous.. but its there. And my friends, it is winning the battle over me. I just look at my life and I think. It would just be so much easierrrrr... if I just go to school for something PRACTICAL.. like.. nursing, or psychology or something. And I look through university catalogs looking to see what else I could do. The truth is... I could do anything. But my Passion...and even more than my passion.. but my time and dedication has gone into music theater. And I truly believe that if I just find a way to push myself to overcome this...I can be greater than I ever thought possible.

It seems like a dream. Something that i'm doomed to wake up from....

Well then I guess I'm doomed then. Cause I'm not fucking walking away. I wont even let myself ruin this for me.

Night.