Hello to all!

I'm back from a few days in the upstate region of the NY. It was fun relaxing..and well overdue. I've been thinking about for days what it is that I want to do. Right now. What do I want to do RIGHT NOW? I want to talk..more and more and analyze more and more. I want to get out every single idea that pops into my head..because I feel like i'm going crazy with all of these thoughts. My brain is on complete overload. So...where do we start?

Lets start simply..with Blogger. I really was thinking of moving to Word Press. I thought that it would be a nice exchange. I still might do it. We'll see. The biggest issue I have is whether I want to continue a thus far 2 year tradition with blogger..or do I want to move on to wordpress..which in my mind would allow me to start over...

Which brings me to the next thing..I am always trying to find a way to start over. Maybe its time for a new way of doing things. CAUSE Obviously...starting over doesn't always work. Whenever I start over..I am happy with the ability to start a new clean slate...it has always been important for me to simply erase what has come before. But now I see that possibly..this doesn't ALWAYS work. whatever..

I'm still trying to figure out what My November goal is...I think I'm going for just being myself. Now to most this would seem like the easiest deed in the world. But for me...it has become quite a challenge. I always find myself altering what I say..altering what I do....which many would say you have to in life. But now i've come to the point where its LYING. I feel like i'm always lying. Sometimes I find myself lying for no reason at all. I lie to my mother about where I'm going...I lie to my friend about who i'm talking to..I lie to everyone. And one day..I sat down and I said to myself..."SELF, WHY DOST THOU LIE?" And Self said..."SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU ARE SIMPLY INTERESTED IN KEEPING A MERE FISAD(SPELL?) OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU."

And then, I realized that its mainly because of fear. I'm scared of what people will think of me. People that I'm close to..people that I love..they do not get the whole of me..because..somewhere in the back of my brain..I "know" they are going to judge me. They are going to think i'm different. They are going to think I'm crazy. MAYBE, I need to make a conscious decision to stop being afraid of what people think. It has always been important...but now its getting dangerous.

I need to be proud of my decisions, my moves, my goals, my body, my accomplishments, my failures...everything. And I need to be truthful to me and everyone around me. If I want the relationships that I so dream about..one of the first things that I've got to do is be honest with everyone else. Let them see me. Even if it may be an ugly me. So..with all of that...I'd ask November to give me the ability to "SPEAK MYSELF". To not live in fear of what people will think of me. I can be able to still say what I want but simply be cautious of the presentation. This is a goal. But before I be cautious of everything..I just want to be happy with what I've got to contribute. I want to be happy with presenting me to the world..and not be so scared of what people will think. Cause honestly...they'll think badly..if thats what they want..there's nothing that you can do to change that.

There is some part of me that wants to make everyone happy. That wants even the "bad guys" to think wonderfully of me. But this cannot happen! I can only control myself...and not what others think. I have to just be..simply happy with who I am..what I love to do..what I've like to give..what I believe. And not be afraid. Just stop being afraid.