Sickling...

Dealing with Life...I never knew it would be this hard...ygh..ughlol.

So..a little update after the rant...

I've been living in this godforsaken city and its utterly killing me.
But what has been the bigger issue is learning how to cope with change..i guess.
I've been looking through my entries..and as you can see the biggest concern has been my relationship. It has been probing me for the past year as far as how i've been handling things. Its been soooo hard for me...learning how do deal in a real relationship..im still not sure if i'm ready for it.

We been together for over a year and have had major fights and break-ups. Our most recent break-up has really allowed me to see how I need to start handling things if I do want to survive. Period. And its not even the conclusion of how I need to start handling things in order to preserve a relationship..but in order to save and preserve my own self.

I realize that I am possibly at an unhealthy state of attachment Where all my moves and decisions are based on this relationship...Possibly that is all and well for someone that I am coming home to every night...someone that I am married to...but this is not the case.
Even more, I am forgetting about my needs for more than survival but for living. I am forgetting about my goals and what I want to achieve in life. And the biggest and bottom line is...is that I must continue to live in this relationship with the cost of losing him. I will not give up what I love to do....because i'm afraid to lose him. I will not avoid spending the right time on myself..the right attention for myself.....and the money for myself...because i'm afraid to lose him. Yes, I have witnessed for myself that losing him would be tormenting. But the question is...can I survive if I did lose him? Can i learn to eventually find contentment in my life if I did lose him...and I do believe that my answer for the last 6 months and even now...would be no.

I wouldn't know how to live without him. And I try to say to myself..that I've been doing it for 20 years..before him....what happened? I don't know....but I've got to get myself back. I've got to. I've got to know that I can be strong for myself. And I've got to find the confidence within myself to say....If he doesn't like me doing this...or doesn't like this about me...or if he is going to cheat on me because of this...then to hell with him...and i'll find a better life without him. Most recently..Those Ifs have become conclusions that would end in....okay then i need to change this about myself..and I need to hang out with his friends..so that he stays liking me...and I've got to learn to love what he does without me...and i've got to love what he does...even if I don't really care for it. I'm tired of adapting. I'm more than willing to go into this relationship with compromise...But i'm not willing to be so scared of losing him...that I end up losing myself.

And...well its easier said than done. Because I do love him and I don't want to lose him. But our situation...which is that he is upstate in college...and i'm down here...tackling the big city on my own.....this situation gives me no choice than to make moves for myself. I do believe I was put in this position for a reason...and I am going to do my darndest to fight for myself.

But then again, where do I start?

I think little steps at best. Taking each day in..with a goal in mind for myself. Even if its...go apply to this place for a job. Or look up auditions today. Or, research graduate schools today, or take a dance class today, or pay these tickets today.......as long as I keep my days more focused on my progression...I will work on this plan as best as I can. And i'm sure there'll be roads...hard days....more tears...but this time I do see my future....I do see the need for me to survive. And I hope that this will be enough. ...Or atleast....this can provide me with something....even a small spark of a push.