The Aftermaths of Separation

So as it stands as a done deal of not being together. I am definetly in one of the most vulnerable states that I've ever thought I'd find myself in. ...I just can't function.

I've been reading my girl's "InMyShoez" old entries during her break-up. But I just can't seem to find the right way of learning how to deal. Nothing feels the same to me anymore.

I remember walking to my friend's house on Friday and all these old and familiar feelings came back to me. Before being in this relationship...I was very sure of myself. I was sure that I wouldn't ever find someone in this day...who could love me for me. I was sure that I was unattractive....and I was sure to be alone.

And for this mere one year....all of those feelings went away.
And even when we did break-up, I was hoping that I would come out of it a different person...with different feelings. But instead, they are the same ones. The same ones that used to put me in my own little hole and separate me from the happy people in the world.

During the weekend, I basically just had the most burning eyes. I couldn't stop crying. Everything reminds me of him. The movies on the TV, the block I live on, driving in my car, the bed sheets.....everything. I just can't escape. I can't find a way to move on.

Every so often, I find a small distraction, like reading a book, or even going out with friends. But they are mere distractions that leave me even more upset afterwards.

I find myself lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about him lying next to me, or holding me. I sit with my legs slightly open, and I remember him. And I don't think of the feelings of sex...but just his touch, how he held his hand under my head, how his lips felt on my forehead, how smooth his skin felt. It just all makes me more upset. And I just start to cry...cause I know the possibility of me never feeling it again....or of someone else getting what I feel is rightfully mine. It hurts.

And I've spent the most time with the friend that I was fairly distant from in this relationship. And as much as it is nice to have my friend back, I wonder if it was solely my fault that we didn't hang out. I feel like she idolizes other girls and how they handle other relationships, but she tells me that I shouldn't be with him. She says how she has witnessed other guys and how much they are infatuated with their girls, but she has never witnessed the love that he had for me. Has she really never witnessed it? And if she did, why does she choose to not tell me those things, instead of that I should not bother to be with him. I feel like my trust with her is fading. I feel like if he came back into my life...that she would be distant again. And I feel that she enjoys the fact that I'm not with him, that she may even take pleasure in seeing me upset over him. And whether these feelings are wrong or right, they are making me resent my time with her. Almost to the point that I just don't want her around.

Whts going on with me? What is happening to me? Am I ever going to feel full again? Am I ever going to feel normal? Wanted? nearly happy?

I feel stuck without him. And it saddens my heart. But even more I'm scared for the future.