Homesick Blues...

Today is a Blue Day. I don't know where to start. When you lose someone in your life, it is a simple awakening. You start to look at your life. You question your actions, your thoughts, your goals...

I just feel so lost.

Actually, I think I am actually scared. I think this is it. Life is so scary. Its fast moving, constantly going, you've got to be always on your grind. People come into your life and hurt you, People leave you, People Love and then leave you, Careers are competitive, Money is rare, and if you're not on top of it all...You lose. After Joey's death, I look at a guy who had life figured out. He made his moves and was on his way. No questions. No fear. It almost makes me wonder why the hell am I still here?

I feel like the weakest link. Always attempting..Always trying. Never succeeding. I just wish that I could take control of my life. But instead, I have realized that I just walk around these days scared. Scared of losing him. Scared of not succeeding at what I want to do. Scared of Living. and at the same time..scared of Dying.

And I wonder how did I come to this? And all I want to do is just fix it. But I can't. I just don't know how. Its sooo many things. So many things I want to fix. Everything has a great importance. Everything is at top priority. Everything is giving me only one chance, and if I slip. I'm out.

How do people do it everyday? How do they get up in the morning, and take showers, and make themselves up?
How do they compete in their careers, knowing that there are thousands and millions who are going after the same exact thing?
How do they stay sane in their relationships? Not worrying if you're doing the right thing, and if your partner will stay with you?
How do people live?

I wish I knew the secret to living.