5 min solution...

Today in class we talked about Shakespeare and how his stories are such great representations of love. Women desire love because they desire stablity. We, women want men to profess their undying love. We want to be theirs. We want to be only theirs. And its funny how this works only to our disadvantage. The professor asked, why is it that we find ourselves in such horrible predicaments when we are in love? Constantly there are two parties that are constantly battling. Whether it be the two people in love, or their families..or their in-laws...etc. There is only conflict. Why is this? The class continued to spit out very intellectual answers, as I...remaining quiet for the entire class..due to my own insecurities on my knowledge of the text.........as I watch my own mind search for the reason. I amazed myself. As I was witness to how my mind went through idea after idea...searching for the best solution that i could think of. And just when the teacher was ending the convo...It hit me. It hit me like a fucking tree trunk..right across the right side of my head. Why is it that my mother desires me to stay with her when she knows that i love her, but i would never survive living with her? My mother is the only stable example in my life of true love. And yet, she will not budge when it comes to me living with her...she INSISTS! So then, if I could grow from my only example in my life to anything higher...what would be?

Any Black person can chime in right about now...it would be God. God is the Ultimate example of stability and love. He WILL NOT budge from his love. In fact, God Is LOVE. God = Love. Remember this. And often I have forgotten this. ALONG WITH HIS LOVE.. it is stated himself that HE is a jealous God. He does not want any of us to stray from him. Much like how my mother does not want me to stray from her. And THIS...is called possession. And THAT is Selfish. And Love is Selfish.

Selfishness has always been a sign of negativity to me. But wouldn't it be funny if I realized that selfishness comes out of something that is positive like Love. Or is love positive? To me yes it is. And yes i am selfish in my love. I want my friends to be with me and care for only me. I want them to be mine. I want my mother to listen to me and only me. I want my boyfriend to do what i want him to. And this selfishness is not derived from anything negative...it is derived from my care for them. I care about them. And my love...gives me possession of them and thus...I am selfish with them.

I have 5 minutes. 5 easy minutes to make a decision about my current relationship. He is doing something that I do not LIKE. And yet he refuses to stop. I love him. But i cannot see myself going on with this unless something has changed. And he says that if I feel this way, then it should end now. Why wait till later? And waste time? Right? I guess.
I don't want to live in denial in this relationship. Its been a few times that we have come to this issue if whether we should stay together..and now it is an issue that i cannot seem to get over. But why?

Because I am jealous of the fact that he has something else to avert his attention. I am upset at the fact that this is something that can harm him. And I am afraid of his future...if this is something that grows to be even more harmful....I would hate to hear him cry his regrets. I would hate it. Because I knew...from a long time ago...that he should've stopped. Everyone seems to belittle this issue as if its nothing. But if you can prevent something harmful from happening to someone you love....Wouldn't u?

5 minutes to decide if I can live with this. I want to stay with him..but I feel as if he's cheating on me with something else. So why do i feel that? When a man cheats on you with a woman...why are we upset? Lets seee....we are upset because we FEAR that we are unattractive to him. Right? We are upset because we want him to only want us...and we THOUGHT we had this power...and he has stripped us of it. He has said.."No...there is something better than u. I don't always need you." And THAT shit hurts. He has left us to be insecure creatures who are always questioning ourselves and what we are. When a man cheats...he is sharing what you two have seen as the ultimate intimacy with someone else. And along with that...he has endangered your mental, emotional, and especially physical health.

Can a guy cheat with something else besides a woman? I guess a man in our days..but i mean to be serious right now. Can my boyfriend cheat on me with his weed? I got 2 minutes.....

When he smokes I am upset. I am upset that he is harming himself. Even more I find that his smoking is apart of what he was before me. What he was before me...is still him now. And this is where the real problem lies. Cuz what he was before..is nothing that I am interested in being apart of. And I want him to start a new with me. I feel that his smoking is like cheating, because if things are rough he will result to the smoking before he comes to me. I want to be his everything. Because I love him, and I'm selfish for it. But I have to realize that I can't change him.

Women who get beaten everyday...claim they love. Am I falling into a trap in which one day...I will realize that I am an idiot? Am I just scared of what will end up happening to me if I stay with him?

If I can't change him. What can I do? I could Leave. THATS WHAT I SHOULD DO. I NEED TO LEAVE. I NEED TO LET GO. I REALLY NEED TO LET GO. IT WOULD HURT SO MUCH TO LET IT GO. How can I be happy with it? It just seems impossible. It feels as if I would just be waiting out the time for it to pass. Because he is not going to budge. Can I say to myself...i'll deal with it now... and hope to be better with him later. Can I live with knowing that later may never be better? Can I stay with that? I can't. I just can't. Cause I would be unhappy....eventually. I can't.................

1 minute...

Love is cruel thing. It hurts more than it pleases. Why should I stop the tradition now? If I walk away....I feel I will be playing it safe. Now, Its not about the fact that I am upset with his smoking...its about whether I can Love harder. Even despite the risk of what it could mean later. Love is so many things...and there is no reason to hide or make excuses for being scared. It is definetly better to have loved than not loved at all...and its even better to fall for love...instead of staying on solid ground.
Love is selfish. Love is jealousy. Love is sweet. Love is warm.
Love is Risk. Love is Strong.