Seeing Dee in her bathing suit tonight made me feel even more inspired to go along with my goals. Dnt I sound like the shallow one? Even so, I've wanted this for years. She looks so great in her bathing suit, I just kno that once bg and Ryan see those pics..that they are going to salivate ferociously. Even images of my boyfriend masturbating to Dee's pics pop into my head. (Yeah...this is offdashoulda..if u can't take the graphics..leave now.) I don't know why i torture myself this way. But I can just see him now.

I see him when he looks at her when he's here. She's got that tiny and tall torso. Her waist is so pretty cause its so freakin tiny! And then she's got the west indian butt..that i know bg likes. So i'm thinking to myself..although he loves me...he can't help but peek at her picks and just salivate to no man's land. It hurts...but it motivates as well. I hope:(.

I'm beginning to realize that my mind is completely whacked up. I'm realizing more and more how low my self-esteem is. ITS PRETTY LOW. But whats weird is that i have been swimming in this kinda state for so long, that I am used to it. I'm used to being like this. My mind is like a mix between a romantic comedy, an action, a porno and a horror flick all in one. Only because of the extreme that I take things in my mind. Everything gets blown up to its worst existence. And when it comes to the bf..or the bg...it becomes graphic. Maybe because if you imagine the worse...it wont be so bad if its true. But we all know the truth. I'mma be hurt either way.

I think if I just saw myself...the way that I wanna be. If I could meet HER once. I'd feel like I can accomplish anything. But she just seems so far away.

On a brighter note...
How about a little time of inspiration to avoid hitting the sack with tears in the eyes.

Nova, the acting teacher, says to write 5 things/times that I am ultimately proud of in my life... lets see.

1. I'm proud of having BG in my life. Right now, my boyfriend is what makes my world turn. Unfortunately, its probably the unsafest thing for me to devote my all in my boyfriend...buts its quite difficult to fight the urge.
2. I'm proud of my theater accomplishments. Although I can only think of one show of the many that i have done that I absolutely felt the best at. I imagine that my experiences in theatre will either do one of the two things...Get better...or Go downhill. We all know which I'd prefer. But if the latter is my fate, I have all of my cherishable moments on stage. I freakin love the stage. Its where I live, its where I belong. It's the only home I know.
3. Grandpa Passing. When my grandfather past it was the hardest thing for me. But I learned so much from his life that I keep with me always. He loved and worked hard...his whole life. And the memory of him..will stay in my heart...always.
4. Spending the Holidays with my entire family. I don't like them sometimes. But most of the time, they are generally my favorite people.
5. Receiving the SGA award in my sophomore year. It was a hard year. And although everyone hated me...that plaque proves that I busted my ass for them. So fuck them All. I got the fuckin award.

..Alright welll I was hoping that was going to be somehow rewarding. It was only halfway. But it'll do...No wait..here's an idea.....

The 5 Top things I'd like to Accomplish in my life.

#1. Being at 122 on my 22nd Birthday which happens to be on April 22nd. How sweet would it be to reward myself by being 122 @ 22 on 4/22? I would be so happy. Its a far stretch...but if I make this one...I'll wear bathing suits for a week. Just for fuckin fun.
#2. Buying my Parents a house...WHEREVER
#3. Travel around the world..safely
#4. By GOD!..Be on the Broadway stage
#5. Get Married