Summer...thus far

I am amazed at how my "summer" is coming along. Quite a bit is happening..and i'm not sure how to feel, where to start, and more than anything..i'm afraid of how it will end..

Lets first talk about how I am attending this performing arts workshop,and it is ultimately busting my butt. It is simply bringing my work ethic to the surface. It showing me that I really have to buckle down...people keep saying everyday.."If you can't do this..then you should forget about this business." How encouraging they are! Its quite difficult for me..and I am finding myself falling into the same insecurities..being the only black music theatre artist..continues to plague me everywhere i go. I always feel like I have to work harder..and every little thing makes me feel like everyone is doing something different, or treating me differently..because i'm Black. I know most of it isn't true...but even an inkling of it is enough to discourage me even further. I think I'll definetly touch upon this issue a little more as I begin to blog for this summer. In the end, I know that it is me who creates the biggest obstacle..because I am the one who is thinking about that issue rather than working harder on my pieces. I've gotta find a way..some sort of solution in which I can just kill my insecurities and focus on the most necessary deed at hand.

Well, what a mouthful. But lets just touch on this a bit. So guys... I'm "talking" to someone. In the ancient days..some may consider it "Courting", in New Jersey it is called "hooking up", In the NY we use "talking". Now i'm not sure if I should be considered "talking" to this person at age 21. I missed the memo that told me if that was just for the highschool folks or not. Well, wow I'm getting ahead of myself..lets back up a bit.

So basically theres this guuyyyy...lol. Yeup. Can you believe it? Wait..can you believe that I haven't been this involved with someone for like 6 years? Shit, (excuse the french..but i'm just entirely too shocked) its been a long time. And well, i'm not "involved" per say...wow, i never knew how words could really throw the idea in the wrong direction. But again, anyways...This guy, he's great! I mean, I've never met anyone like him, and to be honest I never thought that a guy like him would even be interested. But its not his looks..I mean he's cute and all..but its more of his demeanor. He's..."sooo not my type"..in the diva voice. But I think this is what attracts me. A solid Brooklyn boy, who is in love with musiq and seems to be genuinely interested. He's a whole lot more experienced, smokes weed on a regular basis, and has the tendency to break things when he's angry. Now, some of these qualities I do not agree with, but in the end...all of his qualities excite me and keep me interested. But the thing that I find is... despite all of my insecurities in approaching a relationship, he doesn't seem to mind them. He doesn't mind my quirky-ness (even as a black woman), he seems to respect my intelligence, he's had many sex partners..but doesn't seem to push sex on me...hmmm, he's in love with musiq (i'm telling you ....musiq is the connecting language to all species!), and most importantly he's interested in me...ooo wait...even more importantly..he calls! lol.

I'm afraid to fallll....I'm happy to have this opportunity to just meet someone... you know. To say that I'm now apart of the dating thing...But more than anything else...I'm just treading on egg shells cause i'm afraid to fall for him..and get hurt just the same. And I find myself..trying to PRETEND that it doesn't bother me when he doesn't call everyday. Its hard... this whole THING... this whole "getting to know you" ordeal can be really nerve wracking. In the end..I am loving it. I listen to his musiq..not just because its good and capturing, but because then I can hear his voice. ....(sick huh?) And I think about him a whole...llot! Well, we'll see...we'll see.